1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How do you know if youre no longer in love?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ecd123, Jan 13, 2013.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

Page 1 of 2
  1. ecd123

    ecd123
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2012
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I love my girlfriend, but lately I worry about whether or not I am in love with her anymore. I don't know if this is me questioning and looking for red flags because I know my parents would be much happier if I had a boyfriend, or if I'm really no longer in love?
    Any help?
     
    #1 ecd123, Jan 13, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2013
  2. Anthemic

    Anthemic
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 17, 2012
    Messages:
    1,890
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Alabama
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    The best question for you is, How would you feel if she broke up with you for someone else?
     
    #2 Anthemic, Jan 13, 2013
  3. julia

    julia
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2012
    Messages:
    461
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New York City
    Do you still get butterflies when you see her, touch her, kiss her?
    Could you imagine life without her, romantically? If not it's safe to say you're still in love with her.
    But the only person who can really determine if you still love her is you.
     
    #3 julia, Jan 13, 2013
  4. PatyR

    PatyR
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2012
    Messages:
    64
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Mexico.
    Maybe you're worried about your parents and society, but you have to think about what makes you happy! If having your girlfriend makes you happy, then that's it. If not, then the best would be to broke up but not in order to find a boyfriend, but to wait for someone else who you truly love, no matter her/his sex.
     
    #4 PatyR, Jan 13, 2013
  5. 4AllEternity

    4AllEternity
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2012
    Messages:
    530
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sometimes relationships can be rocky, especially if you're confused about your sexuality. Here's some things to look out for that signal a relationship is ending:

    -You often find yourself irritated by any affection from her.
    -You often find yourself wondering what it would be like to be with someone else (I don't just mean the occasional "What if" thoughts, I mean seriously considering other people)
    -You'd rather spend time with other people
    -You find other people more attractive than her (I don't mean physically, since it's possible to recognise other people being better looking than your partner, but still loving them, I mean you feel more attracted to them)
     
    #5 4AllEternity, Jan 13, 2013
  6. ecd123

    ecd123
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2012
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I'm not sure. Sometimes I try really hard to think about her leaving me for someone else, but I can't seriously picture it because she seriously thinks I am the One for her and she said she can't live without me. This terrifies me. So when I try to picture her breaking up with me, I can't. And if she did, I guess I would feel sad because she found someone better, but I wouldn't be surprised because I don't think I'm anything special and I am very used to people leaving me. I would honestly feel a tiny bit relieved because being single is much easier to be around my parents than in a same sex relationship. This is my first relationship ever. It's scaring the crap out of me. But if I think of her dying, I panic. I don't know what I'd do. I know she is going to die before me because her family has heart problems, breast cancer, and she is a type 1 diabetic and is struggling with her weight.

    I often worry that I shouldn't settle with her, but I can't imagine life without her. But I feel like it's wrong to be with her because she's my first relationship, and I should go out and have pointless relationships just so I can say I have, so settling down with someone, especially another girl, will be taken more seriously.

    I don't find myself irritated by affection, but instead I find myself nauseous or guilty. I think a lot when we kiss rather than just not-thinking.
    I do wonder what it would be like to be with someone else, but its always "What if I broke up with her and got a boyfriend. My parents would be happy and life would be easier." But I can never seem to emotionally connect to men. I have had crushes on men before but it's been more of the thrill of the chase rather than needing to be in a relationship with them.
    When I met her, I still considered myself straight and ignored my feelings for her. Whenever there was a possibility of her dating a guy I would get insanely upset, jealous, and sick to the point where I had to lay down in the bathroom. I couldn't stand the thought of her with anyone.

    I don't want to spend time with other people, but sometimes I do want to be alone. I just got back from staying with my parents for over a month and coming back to see her 24/7 is causing me to feel ashamed and anxious. I think really hard about whether or not I find her sexy etc. I try to figure out what I am feeling. I have no idea if this is love or not, because she is my first. But I don't want to break up and lose what we have just so I can experiment. I'm not the type to experiment either. I need emotion to connect to people.
    I don't have crushes on anyone since her, so I guess I don't find anyone attractive. I mean sometimes I think "That guy is cute, my parents would be proud if I dated him." or "That girl is so pretty." but that is all.

    I just wish I could think less and live more. I feel like I am two people. One when I am with her, another when I am with my family.
    I can't figure out what's going on.
     
    #6 ecd123, Jan 13, 2013
  7. Kgirl

    Kgirl
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2013
    Messages:
    266
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Omg you sound so much like me. I am due to marry my first and only bf in a few months and now suddenly having doubts (although known for a while that something 'physical' was missing, despite the fact he's the most loving, caring person ever :frowning2: ) after meeting a woman online and developing feelings for her (or at least her online conversation) that I've never had with my bf.

    I'd say if you're not sure, take a break. You seriously don't want to find yourself in my situation after 8 years! But if you're only worried about your family's reaction, you need to think about what is more important to you.
     
    #7 Kgirl, Jan 13, 2013
  8. ecd123

    ecd123
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2012
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Whenever people tell me to take a break from her I panic and feel like I shouldn't. I guess that means I am in love with her?
    It's hard to be sure because I have never dated anyone else. But I have never felt this way about anyone before.
    I no longer get butterflies but am I supposed to have them always?

    And I have gone after boys my whole life but when I was rejected by them or when they found someone else when I was attempting to pursue them I felt like "Oh, that girl got him before me. Oh well!" It was more of a competition to me to get the "prize." I always found boys as a trophy, not as another half or anything. But when I just even had the thought of someone stealing her heart I literally would get sick. I felt like I could rather die than see her with another person.

    I don't want to take a break but I want to feel better and not question my feelings for her so much.
     
    #8 ecd123, Jan 13, 2013
  9. Kgirl

    Kgirl
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2013
    Messages:
    266
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I guess you (like me!) just need to work out whether you really want to be with her or are just scared of being alone.

    From your last comment it sounds like you really do love her... but I know that it's easy to be defensive when someone is suggesting something you don't want to hear. Just be honest with yourself, is all I can say. :slight_smile:
     
    #9 Kgirl, Jan 13, 2013
  10. Anthemic

    Anthemic
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 17, 2012
    Messages:
    1,890
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Alabama
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Honestly, having butterflies for someone is something that should always be there. If you no longer have them for her, then there might be a problem. I think you truly care about her because you're used to her. You two have been together for a while and you can't imagine being with anyone else because you've never tried. I also think the guilt you feel towards your parents has a lot to do with this issue. But you won't know for sure unless you try to see what life is like without her always around. I think that you should tell her you want a little space, and that you're going through a lot of confusion that you feel would be best sorted out alone. I feel like you don't want to break up with her because you'll feel guilty. You have to do what is best for you. This is your life.
     
    #10 Anthemic, Jan 13, 2013
  11. Kgirl

    Kgirl
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2013
    Messages:
    266
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Really? You think you should have butterflies with someone for a lifetime?
     
    #11 Kgirl, Jan 13, 2013
  12. Anthemic

    Anthemic
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 17, 2012
    Messages:
    1,890
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Alabama
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Yes. Having butterflies in the stomach usually means excitement when being around your partner. It doesn't have to be there 24/7, but if it has completely stopped, then there might be a problem. Which is why I told her that maybe she should have some space put between her and her girlfriend, so she will know what it's like to be without her.

    Though, when you first start a relationship, the butterflies tend to be stronger. So maybe the butterflies aren't completely gone, and have only somewhat calmed down.
     
    #12 Anthemic, Jan 13, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2013
  13. ecd123

    ecd123
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2012
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I've been told that butterflies never last and eventually go away. But that it doesn't mean you don't love them. A couple who has been together for 20 yrs isn't going to feel butterflies still...
     
    #13 ecd123, Jan 13, 2013
  14. Anthemic

    Anthemic
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 17, 2012
    Messages:
    1,890
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Alabama
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I guess you're right to an extent. I asked my aunt if she still had butterflies for her husband and she said, "No, I'm too old for that." Lol. I guess it's just me then. I was with someone for years and I still had butterflies for her. But we only saw each other for 2 days every other month, since she lived 2 hours away. But we talked everyday, and every time she called or texted, I would get butterflies. Maybe you should distance yourself from your girlfriend to really know.
     
    #14 Anthemic, Jan 13, 2013
  15. ForceAndVerve

    ForceAndVerve
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2012
    Messages:
    617
    Likes Received:
    0
    Quite the dilemma you're in. (*hug*)

    There is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone, I imagine, if any couple spent 24/7 together they would soon tire of one another. I really bleieve that even when in a relationship you should have your own time and space.

    How did you feel when you first saw/met your girlfriend after coming back from the month with your family?
     
    #15 ForceAndVerve, Jan 13, 2013
  16. ecd123

    ecd123
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2012
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Like a dream. I felt like I wasn't really back yet. I felt awkward. We kissed and I was looking for sparks and everything (we have been together for about 1 1/2 years) and I didn't feel any which made me worried. I was glad to see her because she is all I thought about and I texted her non-stop during the break and we skyped every night and seeing her face made me calm. But seeing her in person made me scared... I am still feeling like I am in a dream. It's odd being here after being home alone with just my parents for so long.
    But then again, when I first arrived home I felt like I was in a dream also and it took me a few weeks to feel settled.

    I feel like I have trouble adjusting once I get comfortable somewhere. I don't know if that is the issue or what.
     
    #16 ecd123, Jan 13, 2013
  17. silverhalo

    silverhalo
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,723
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think if possible you need to just try not to think about it for a couple of weeks and then re assess the situation. Wanting to spend time alone is fine everyone needs that sometimes some people more than others. I think when you spend time with her try not to analyze every movement because you already said you are not feeling yourself so it maybe impossible to tell how you feel about her. Settle back in gently and then in a couple of weeks think about it again.
     
    #17 silverhalo, Jan 13, 2013
  18. ecd123

    ecd123
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2012
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I hope you are right. It kills me that I am feeling this way because I dont want to lose her or hurt her. Do you think I'm just scared of being alone?
     
    #18 ecd123, Jan 14, 2013
  19. Jim

    Jim
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2012
    Messages:
    300
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    I used to be in love with my friend, and we dated for a bit, but she broke it off because she was dealing with stuff. I was hit really hard and was hurt for a long time, and although I still love her in a way, I don't get butterflies when I see her/ think about her. And I notice her flaws a lot more, in the way I didn't when I was in love with her. I also don't find the need to always be close to her, or feel more protective over her.
     
    #19 Jim, Jan 14, 2013
  20. ecd123

    ecd123
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2012
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I still feel protective over her. If anyone tries to flirt with her I get jealous. I am noticing her flaws, but they don't bug me, but I worry that they should.
    I worry that we may not be right for each other even though I can't imagine life without her.
    I feel like I'd never get over her if we did break up.
    But I also worry that I can't break up because all of my best friends here are hers. We are all even roommates together and she lives across the street from me with some of our friends, but she comes to my room every night to sleep.
    We even bought two pets together. I'm scared that I'm doing this wrong. :icon_sad:

    ---------- Post added 14th Jan 2013 at 12:21 PM ----------

    I think another thing that is really causing me heartache and questioning is not having my parents approval. I have never done anything without their approval and if they don't approve of the person I'm with, I feel like I'm wrong.
    This sucks :frowning2:
     
    #20 ecd123, Jan 14, 2013
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)
Page 1 of 2