I really, really hate the way I came out, and now I've been hating myself lately because of it. I wish I could redo it :/ I came out last year when I was a freshman, and I was at the height of getting friends, and I really didn't have any close ones. I told people - a lot of them - for attention, I had no drive to come out then except it would give me attention, and I'm pretty sure I was in a hypomania too at the time and I was being very impulsive, and I actually only truelly accepted myself as gay this year, well last year, but in the fall. I really wish I could somehow redo it :/ though most people really don't care, except a few who attacked me last year... And I Lost a lot of would-be friends and I'm already lonely as can be, and there's no gay guys at my school, but there is this one bi guy, who came out to me, but he is so weird, unattractive, and he asked me how to masturbate once... it was really odd + he told me once that "You know u don't have to date someone to have sex with them! That's called having a fuck buddy!" and he constantly asks me to have sex with him, which will never happen - and I want my first time to special and with someone who matters to me. so I'm alone In the aspect, though I've dated a guy who went to the public school where I live, but that lasts two and half weeks, and we didn't even kiss, sigh. I still haven't told my family, and I won't for a very long time more likely, due to a abusive relationship with my parents. And my father says homosexuality is a birth defect, and my mom probably knows I think, because if I do anything that she calls feminine she will scream at me - and one time this summer I was "talking" to this guy which now I regret because he's the kind of person I hate. She read the texts between us - then his facebook posts, which were about me, and then once he went to my house to give me a note (?) but I was not at home at the time, but my mom was and apparently she had a verbal fight with him. I really regret talking to him, because he's weird, not my type, overly feminine (he is like Adam Lambert, but worse), and he fucked up my life! So she's pretty much scared I'm gay, I guess, and I don't want to disappoint her anymore than I do, since she acts like I'm some kind of an embaressment Coming Out: A Game Changer! - YouTube Like all of these people are so happy that they're out, but right now I hate that I did - well the way I did, which is out weighing that joys of being out down
I'll chime in here, but take my advice with a grain of salt as I'm in the process of coming out right now. The first problem is that you did this for attention at a new school. High school is a cruel place, and making friends is difficult for most. Ignore the creepy bi guy and start going around to different tables until you find people you like. As far as your parents go. You're mom will get over it eventually. You shouldn't be ashamed of being gay.
I'm saying this, not as a person with experience coming out (heck, I've only half-told my bi cousin so far) but as a person with experience in some of the more major issues you wrote about. It seems to me that your problem isn't the fact that you came out at all, it's that you can't let go of the fact that you didn't do it like you later realized you should have. I have some anxiety issues. Not like most people do. For me it's like I can deal with whatever big problem life throws my way, but any little tiny thing and all of the sudden I think I've just completely screwed up everything. For example not long ago I was trimming my bangs and I messed up. Then I tried to fix it and ended up cutting too much off. I literally freaked out, started thinking about the worst possible scenario that could come from that. I thought everyone would notice and laugh at me. Thought I would look completely stupid and people would talk behind my back. Thought it couldn't be fixed and I had just jacked up my hair forever. I kept worrying until I was sick. I was literally throwing up. This went on for the next few hours and I would have cried myself to sleep about it that night until I forced myself to snap out of it and realize "Hey, it's only about an inch too short. No one's even going to notice. It's going to grow back anyways." It sounds to me like you're doing the same thing. You need to just take a step back and realize that it's not so bad. Whatever you did in the past can't be changed now, so there's really no use in making yourself sick over it. What you should be focusing on is the fact that you came out to a large number of people and most of them weren't bothered by it. That is a huge plus there, and once you take a step back from your worrying, you'll realize that that highly outweighs the fact that you didn't come out for the right reasons at the time. And the people who do have a problem with it don't matter. If they don't like it, that's their problem and not yours. Their opinion doesn't affect you in any way. Just remember that and try to stop being so worried about what you did in the past. Also, this bi guy you're talking about sounds like he may have mental problems. I'm not saying that to be rude or anything, I'm saying that because I've known a lot of people who were special ed and he sounds like he probably is. I'm no doctor, but from you're description I'm wondering if he has some mild autism. Also, it is an awesome thing that you want to save yourself for someone special. Too many people don't get that nowadays, so don't let anyone change your mind! I get the thing with your parents, too. I have an abusive parent and it seriously screwed me up. Just try and stay strong. One day you won't have to deal with it any more, and I can tell you from a long line of experience with this in my family, it will get better. (Just thought I'd throw that in there.) But if you don't want to tell your parents, you don't need to. Most people probably think I shouldn't say that, but it's true. In most cases it's best to tell your parents, but if you have an abusive relationship with them, you don't need to tell them unless you want to. In fact you might find that it would be easier to tell them after you move out. The only case I can think of in which you would really need to tell either of them is if you were getting married (whether legally or socially). Last thing, I'm sure that one day you'll find a great guy who's perfect for you, so don't worry about it right now. Your high school is probably not the best place to look anyways. And there's no need to feel lonely, you've got a whole community here for you! (&&&) PS. Please don't get mad that I compared your coming out to me jacking up my bangs. It was just the most recent thing I could think of and definitely the one I had the most uncalled-for response to. PPS. I have no idea where that giant motivational speech just came from, so just go along with it.
