Hey everyone, here's a little about me... I'll try to keep this short. I'm with my current girlfriend of about 2 years and I have recently been questioning my identity. I have known that there has been an attraction to guys there but never really gave it the time of day or chose to acknowledge it. It was more of a physical attraction to males in terms of rough-housing and other masculine things, but rarely did I ever feel "love" for another guy. I never really had a crush as if I wanted to date a guy but rather was generally attracted for whatever reason. I do remember have crushes on guys (as well as girls) in elementary school. I am however, turned on by women when I am intimate with them and genuinely love my current girlfriend Now here comes the heavy stuff... I have memories of having some sort of homosexual experience way back when I was a kid, but I don't have many other memories of it beside that. I just remember feeling weird about it, and I was probably about 7-8. My question is, how do I realy figure out what my identity is? Am I bi, am I gay and in denial? It's hard because there is no real way for me to figure this out and I'm constantly thinking about it for no reason. I'm wondering if my experience as a kid is having some effect on my sexuality now. Anyways, if anyone who can help me sort some feelings out, I will really appreciate it. I just need to put my mind at ease and figure out what I really am.
Let me just start off by apologizing, because it's not what you want to hear. Sadly, there is no magic 8 ball that you can shake and say "Am I gay?" It's really something that you are going to have to work though on you own, but we'll all be here to support you with any questions you may have about it!
Hi Octoberman, welcome to Empty Closets! If you have never addressed the experience from your childhood in therapy, it would be a really good idea. You said you were uncomfortable about it, so it seems like it was probably traumatizing. If another child coerced or pressured you into it, this could still be considered abuse, particularly from the perspective of the effect it would have on you. Sexual abuse does not make people gay, but it can make people of any sexual orientation confused about their sexuality. It complicates the issue. You want to look for a therapist who has significant experience both with male sexual abuse survivors and with people questioning their sexuality. And you can also discuss your experiences here on EC. It can be very helpful.
Right, a therapist can definitely help you sort the feelings out. They don't seem to be so profound or trivial.
Thanks for the replies. I will definitely look into it. In what ways can abuse as a child make me confused as an adult? Are there some things I should be on the lookout for? I have talked with my girlfriend about this and she was very supportive. The problem is there seems to be no right answer in terms of my sexuality. I'm just very lost at the moment.
I hesitate to answer this, because I am not really an expert. So, this is my best understanding, but take it with a grain of salt and talk to some people who know whereof they speak. Sometimes gay people who were abused wonder if the abuse made them gay, whereas straight people sometimes think they must be gay because it "felt good," you know, physically, and they might have intrusive sexual thoughts that are related to the trauma, and impulses to put themselves into similar situations as the abuse. (This happens with female sexual abuse survivors also: for example, a woman who was abused as an infant or toddler sometimes will like to be choked roughly during sex because it is a response to the trauma of having been choked during the abuse--abuse of infants and toddlers is usually oral.) But these kinds of impulses are not the same at all as being gay. The problem is that gay people who are in denial of their sexuality will want to dismiss it, and may be very repressed so that they don't allow themselves to have any feelings that they take seriously towards the same sex. If they have been abused, it can make it easier to dismiss their feelings. This is what I meant by "complicated," and it's the reason I think you should see someone professional who knows what they are doing, and who can devote a significant chunk of time to sorting through it with you. Also, while we all experience shame, abuse survivors often experience very profound shame around the subject of sexuality. Because of this, they are more prone than others to feel that their sexuality is something that is wrong with them or broken, which makes them more likely to think that their feelings are caused by the abuse even if they are not. I think that, until you process and sort through your feelings about the incident when you were a child, it will be difficult for your sexual orientation to be clear. The way to overcome shame is to talk about it in a safe and supportive environment. Talking about it on here is a good start, but it really is important to be able to talk to someone in person at some point. The most important thing for you to know is that all of your feelings are real, and you are allowed to have them. It can sometimes be wrong to act on your feelings, if it would hurt someone, but it is not wrong to have the feelings. Another thing to keep in mind is that, if, for example, you break up with your girlfriend, it will be because that is what you decide you need to do. Your relationship with her does not have to end if it is satisfying to you. When gay men leave their female partners, it's because they realize that the relationship isn't fully satisfying to both people. If you are gay (meaning that you have little or no interest in women), it is likely that you will eventually want to pursue relationships with men, but it will only happen if that's what you want. You aren't going to be forced into it.
