Well, my profoundly unrequited love is coming home.

It's been five years that fast.. I'm an anxious mess, I still need some kind of closure from this guy to let me know that it's over. He has been in the marines for the past five years.

Basically, from the first moment I saw this boy in 7th grade, I fell in love with him, aesthetically, of course. He just had the biggest brown eyes, little short lol.. but just seemed pretty lonely also. And while I was able to refrain from being a dick to him, I didn't focus much on helping him out of the bullying stage. He was the new kid coming from private school and the girls really liked him, problem being, they had boyfriends lol and the guys just really wanted to make his life a living hell.. I saw him there looking like he was about to cry one day and I just asked him if he was okay and he told me yes..

Fast forward a while because I'm not sure if he stayed at the middle school or not. The next time I saw him would be 9th grade. But our crowds were different, 10th grade we finally had a class together.. He sat in the front and I sat in the back, I couldn't stop looking at him. lol. In this science class we would pair with the table in front of us from time to time and he was about the first table, so he would face me from his group and wink and make faces lol..make me laugh basically... Anyways, I just.. I feel like during the time that we were friends, 10th grade to graduation that I always had these signs where I could have come on to him more..I had seduced guys so much in the past but this was the first guy in a while where having sex wasn't going to be the pinnacle of what I wanted from him. Every time I was around him, I was nervous..he just always made me unsteady. His smell was to die for haha, he would drive me home from school, hang out periodically, text.. etc etc. The most naturally charming boy I've ever been around, no one has ever made me feel the way he did.

But I always felt like he didn't really want to be friends with me, like he just didn't have the guts to tell me. And it always makes my head wonder with all these different scenarios. My gut feeling told me to leave him be, but I just couldn't. The scenario I had was just.."damn, he's not close to anyone I don't think, he's depressed" So in the wake of me feeling like he was depressed, I pressed the emotional aspect, he never knew I was gay, we never fooled around although I really felt like we could have. The last 5 years have just been hard. There were times where we talked, one stretch lasted nearly 3 weeks and he would talk to me then, but since..it seems like the only reason we started talking was because he forgot my number or something and didn't know who was texting him? Idk. It's really fucked up. The only thing that has made me feel like I don't know until he tells me is my current friends are kinda like that, they get busy and they just don't respond, so what was unusual to me back then isn't a big deal now. Point being.. I need closure. I want to see him to see if he's even the person I remember, because I spent sooo much time trying to visualize his face and his expressions and the conversations of the past to try to piece it together. With him I felt like it was the first time I didn't come from a sexual standpoint and ended up screwing up somehow even though I was being good. I thought I was being a good friend and I never forced the issue, but all that did was make me feel like I let an opportunity pass by. And if he IS the same guy I remember, I want to tell him I'm gay and see if he can become one of my friends, because I really do care about this one. Having the experience with him has made it easier for me to have straight friends where I respect their sexuality. My gut tells me he's straight btw. And I just want to be around him and be honest about who I've become in the last five years.

SO. Here's the thing. His sister told me he's coming home and she gave me his number, a number that I have had before and deleted it because I never got a response when I texted it, I figured he changed phone numbers.. Do I try calling or texting him again or just sit back to see if he ever calls me. The latter is where my head is.. but that doesn't do a damn thing for closure because in my mind, I'm going to come up with an excuse and say well, he's busy. If you think I should text him to let him know I'm still around (haven't tried him in a year) what the hell do I say? lol. I really need help with this one, this has plagued me at least a night a week for the past five years, not knowing what happened to the friendship. :/

 

Thanks, good advice. Lol.