Since most of EC are young people who are searching themselves I'll address this question in the future tense: How do you figure you'll identify once/if you start a family? What triggers my curiosity is that there seems to be so many non-gender-conforming youngsters (trans*, agendered, bigendered...) and while it would be much easier/simpler to just identify with your biological sex in your every-day's adult life and parenting, have any of you seriously considered to identify otherwise? As in, how would an agendered person call themselves to the children he fathered? Or, what about you're a bigendered person who mothered the kids while having a female partner as the other parent? Would you call yourself dad or the other mom? What about the genuinely gender-fluid people? Will you "pick" a tittle for good so not to confuse your kid's teachers, or will you keep explaining over and over what gender-fluid is to dense people? And everyone; do you feel like you have to figure out your gender identity for good and feel 100% at ease with it before starting a family or not?
i would consider what will not confuse my kids and also be the truth. i would never lie. i am pretty sure i am transgender. so if i transition i will be male and be the husband and father. i am assuming i marry a woman. but IF i married a man...that would make things way different. i would have to think it over with him.
... as in, if you married a man, you would be less of a father and husband and take up the role of a mom and wife because that would be most practical? Like gay couples whom have a spouse called mom and the other called dad? Honestly though I can hardly imagine something this basic confusing the kids. Personally I'll just explain to my daughters that not all men are born with a penis but that those men can still be dads, which is what I am. They will also know that it's not always the mom who carries the babies in her belly, and that not all the parents are the typical man-woman combination. That what matters is that everybody knows for sure who they are, respect, stability and love. I will tell them stories about kids born in the wrong body who are mistaken for the other gender, and how those kids go through it. I'll tell them stories of acceptance. Nothing difficult there. I'm still having an hard time with the parents who choose that their own kids should remain ignorant of such matters for the longest time possible; sharing these notions with them is a wonderful gift by itself.
If I raise a kid with a woman some day I will probably adopt. I'll have to move to a different state since it is illegal in mine or at least really difficult in my county/district. About telling the kid where they came from I would tell my child the truth. That we adopted him/her and that we are two people that love him/her. I have been doing a lot of reading on gay parenting and most experts agree it is healthy for a child to be raised by two loving parents. Children don't really care about their parents gender.
i want to transition, and see myself in the future taking testoserone and hopefully surgery, so if i do that then to my kids i will just be their dad. But would still have to explain not all men and women are born the same, and that they may not all have male or female parts but still choose to express themselves in that gender so that is what gender they are. But i wouldnt tell them that until i thought they were old enough and mature enough to comprehend and accept it. However, the things holding me back from transition are other people, possible risks and it may not make me happy. So if i havent gotton round to the transitioning by the time i have my kids, then i may just have to explain it a little earlier. But i do get why that is confusing for kids. As my 4 year old brother doesnt really know how to correctly adress anyone, he says but if your a him and you dont have a penis like me then how can you be a him, cause all the hims have penisis and wear pants to school. So if my mum has pants on that day he gets confused and is like does that make mummy a him now.
Thanks for your answer. Explanations have to go according to the age of the child, of course. A 4 years old, for example... well, he thinks that all males have pants and penises, which is a mistake, it has probably been explained wrong to him. The right way to explain it to him: the person is a him if they say they are a him. If you're not sure, ask them. He would probably not even think twice about that one!
Yeah i might try that one, thanks. I think the school are confusing him more though, as he knoes with im a boy, without a penis. But when he says im a boy in reception/kindergarten they explain to him why im not. And as my mum is still forbidding me to live as a boy full time they are going to keep corecting him. So hes more confused than he needs to be. What have you told your child, im assuming their old enough it have questioned it,maybe not.
If I ever get a child with a partner, it will probably be adoption. I hope. In which case, I`ll be mommy, and she can be mum. Or, the translation is a bit different in Norwegian, but one of them is the more cuddly soft variant, and the other is more "stand up straight" ish. I don`t know how to explain it. In any case, that would be most likely if it were to happen with the girlfriend I have now. I am a very soft motherly person, when it comes to children. My girl friend is clearly more the "help with homework and motivation, and play fun games on the floor", while I am more the "comfort when hurt, and read bed time stories at night" type. It has nothing to do with gender, but about the roles we have as parent, and how the different roles usually seem to have different "duties". It might not be like that with all parents though, I don`t know. But my girlfriend and I have discussed it, and for us it would likely be like that.
If I ever do adopt a kid, they'll probably end up calling me by name. I am definitely not a "mommy", or a "daddy" either. So, yeah. Name.
My children will most likely be adopted, I would like to think that I would be called daddy, but I see myself in the "mom" role and offer nurturing, and rationality where it's needed. I was raised by a single parent who did an amazing job of filling both parent roles. I do believe that children need structure and to know where they stand and where their parent(s) stand. I believe in choosing roles and consistently sticking to them.
Couldn't agree more. For me, that I'm the dad was always a sure thing from the start and however things turn out at least that much is certain. To answer Jeca's question above, my daughter is 18 months old, the other one will be born in March. So far, no explanation was needed; I'm the dad and her mom's her mom. I talk to her a lot but I'm not sure how much she understands exactly, however, there is no hesitation or shame or guilt whatsoever about mine and my wife's gender identities. It is all exactly the way it should be, and our kids will grow up very wise. For one, they'll grow up knowing that there are always exceptions and that not everything (or everyone) is what they seem to be, but that it's OK and normal. That it's OK to be a boy, or to be a girl, so that if people tell them they should accept it for their word and move on. They will also know, starting school, that a lot of people don't know how to be open and accepting and that they think they know the truth when they don't. That it's a bit sad they are like that, but to shrug and move on too; it's OK that some people are wrong. Me and my wife will talk to teachers if we're not completely transitioned by then, and will probably talk to them anyway about transgender matters. We avoid like the pest the places that are overly religious and closed minded, too, so things will go smoothly. Not sure why I write about my family but I guess I am also answering the tread I started! Though to us, we're just a man and a woman with two kids and there's no big fuss about that, I don't really think of us when I talk about non-gender-conforming people. While I'm at it, bonus question: while questioning your gender identity or labeling yourself something else than the sex you were born with, do you consider your whole life ahead that is to be affected, that is, the job, the housing, the parenting maybe? I know at least one of the non-gender-conforming people on EC did consider such matters and chose to finally identify with the sex they were born as to avoid drama and that leads me to wonder if considering such matters would change the outcome of the said questioning/labeling. (Example: as in, Ok I'm born with a penis but I feel like a girl inside, a gay girl that is, but it's much less trouble to go ahead and be a dad and the man so I'm going to go ahead and play that role)
