Confused and not sure where to turn. Advice?

This is really weird for me to be writing and posting on here, but I'm not really sure where else to turn. The anonymity of the internet might be what I need to just get it down in writing and maybe that'll help clear up some of the confusion I feel. So here goes. By the way, I apologize in advance for how long this post is going to get - I'll try to be as concise as possible.

I'm 21 and I've identified as straight my entire life, with no real situations or experiences to make me think otherwise about myself. I'm a very open-minded person, with a "live and let live," philosophy. I have no problem with gays or lesbians, and I have several friends who identify as bisexual or transgender. My best friend is bisexual and very supportive of me, and my parents have always been very accepting and open of other lifestyles - this background information is just to help anyone reading this to understand that I'm not from a very sheltered or religious home that would turn me out if I were bi or gay. My family is very open-minded and I've never felt any pressure from them to conform a certain way or hide who I am.

With that said, I've always been very sure of who I am as a person, so this latest confusion is very painful for me. I've always thought of myself as straight, and I've always been emotionally and physically attracted to men. However, a month or two ago I met this woman - a friend of a friend, I'll call her "S." - when a group of us went to a club. She got a little tipsy and was dancing with all of us (the guys as well as myself); and okay, when she drinks she apparently gets handsy. I was kind of turned on by her dancing with me, but I put it down to the fact that I haven't had any physical intimacy for a long time and my body was just reacting automatically. I learned later on that she's bisexual, and I tried to brush it off, but I found myself occasionally thinking about her - and when I bumped into her again in a normal situation (without alcohol) I was nervous and flustered and found myself thinking/acting like a high school kid with a crush. I.e., thinking too much about what I should say to strike up a conversation, how I could easily enter into a conversation without feeling awkward... the typical behavior I engage in when I have a crush on a guy. Again, I tried to ignore this after it happened and decided to avoid further situations where I might see her.

It's important to note as well that I am currently - kind of - involved with the male friend - I'll call him "R." - that introduced me to this girl (when I say kind of, I mean we're pretty much cuddle buddies and fool around a bit without the relationship title). So after I bumped into "S," the second time, I found myself having a vivid female sex fantasy in the shower one day, and it - I'll admit it freely on here - scared the crap out of me. I've always been myself, and that includes identifying as "straight." So again, my response was to bury it as deeply as possible and not tell anyone. However, the other day when I was hanging out with my male friend "R," we ended up joking around a bit and he said he wouldn't be surprised if I was bi. I probed a bit, but didn't push the issue. Later on, I admitted that I wasn't sure but I might be kind of attracted to "S." (It might be TMI to mention, but "R," is kind of into being dominated a little bit, which leads into this next part...) Then when we were fooling around, I found myself kind of fantasizing about it being "S," underneath me instead of the guy, and "R," didn't help matters by dirty talking and suggesting I would be turned on by pinning a girl down... etc. It scared me how much that turned me on. It also didn't help that "R," suggested he could make it happen with me and the girl - I'm going to write that one off as just another guy wanting a threesome, but again, it appealed to me more than I feel it should.

I tried to talk about this with my best friend a bit, but we haven't been able to hang out in person and there's only so much you can say on a text. She did phrase it well, though, when she said that dominating and pinning people down - and the rougher stuff as well - is very empowering, and she thinks I'm one of the most empowered/strong-willed women she's ever met; so she isn't surprised that I want someone to take control, as well as someone to care for me, yet on the same hand I want to be the one dominating.

I'm just very confused right now - logically, I don't think this "S," girl is someone I could be in a "relationship," with, as I'm not even very sure that her values fall close to mine, and yet the fact "R," talks about her being both dominant and submissive makes me want to see what the physical side of it could be like. And yet that thought scares the crap out of me because it's like I'm not even sure who I am anymore, and that's the one thing I've always had - I knew who I was. Now? Not so much. It's making me second-guess every time I've looked at a girl and admired her ass or her boobs - before, I thought that was just because I was jealous or just admiring beauty regardless of gender; now I'm wondering if there was a physical attraction or curiosity beneath that.

I don't know who to talk to about this - I don't have a therapist, and even though my mom is extremely open and comfortable to talk to, I don't want to voice these self-identity doubts with her when I'm not even sure where the hell they came from or if they'll go away. Maybe I'm only curious in the distant sense of the possibility and wouldn't actually want it if I had the chance, maybe I'm only turned on because society makes two women being together seem so sexy and desirable, whereas two men together is "gross,"... I'm so confused right now. I don't want to see more of myself disappear, and yet a part of me wants to tell that guy to set me up with this girl. It's like I have another person inside of me, the sexual, confident temptress who wants - kind of - to be a slut and do things that I'm not entirely comfortable with in the conscious world... and I don't know if I should ignore her or use my brain a little bit less and my body more. I've never felt physically attracted to a girl before and I'm not sure I want to be.

This probably doesn't make any sense, and I congratulate anyone who has read this far - I know it's long. I'm not looking for a magic answer, just some feedback... no clue what to do, maybe putting distance between myself and this guy - and thus, the girl - is best. I'm just scared of change, within myself specifically. I've always had a hard time trying to balance the sexual side of me with the person I view myself as - which, in a lot of ways, still feels like a child. Anyway, thanks to anyone who feels like responding.

 

Thanks for the responses, guys... I just feel really mixed up and crazier than normal right now. I'm a very black and white person... these gray areas drive me insane.

Yeah, I figure my two options are either to ignore the feelings as much as possible, or try hanging out with the girl and see what happens. I'm worried about rejection/humiliation though - like... not sure how "thoroughly," bi she is, or if it's just that she fools around with anyone when she's tipsy, you know? And if she'd even be interested in me. And not really sure how to approach it without making it obviously a date, since it could turn really awkward or I could get uncomfortable and want an easy out - saying it was just two friends hanging out or whatever - but I'd also want to leave my options open if it did go well. I.e., I don't want to outright tell her that I'm straight or tell her that I'm bicurious or whatever because those could lead to two very different outcomes.

It's weird though, because when I fantasize about a girl it's not really in the girl-on-girl way... it's more like I'm the masculine identity in the situation, although I am very sure that I don't have gender-identity issues. I like being a girl and am perfectly happy being one; but maybe the fact I associate that as masculine is just because it's the domination factor, which is usually viewed as the man's position. I don't know... -brain implodes-

I tried talking about this a bit with the guy last night, it didn't really help... again, he basically told me why don't I try it out, there's nothing wrong with it, etc. which is great that he's so open-minded... and again, he mentioned something to do with a girl and I was instantly insanely turned on - so much so that he noticed my breathing change. It was weird and terrifying.

How do people handle this? I'm a mental wreck on the inside, and I'm doing my best to just not think about it - that's generally how I solve problems in the end, but I'm also the kind of person that's majorly analytic and overthinks things, and wants things figured out definitively and figured out now. x_x -brain explodes-

 

Yeah, I'm awesome at over-thinking everything. I've talked a bit with the two people who know I'm conflicted, and it's helped a little bit. I feel a little more calm now, and I think I've decided to just take it day by day and see what happens. I hate it, because I'm such an impatient person, but I need to just breathe and stop putting so much pressure on finding a "label," for myself. It's just so foreign... like getting a new tattoo and you don't feel like it's a part of you until months or even years of seeing it on your body.

I realized the other day that this isn't the first instance I've felt a slight attraction to a girl... I'm not sure if that's reassuring - that it's not quite so out of the blue - or terrifying.

I invited her to hang out... she seemed totally willing and excited to see me, but I'm not sure if she's looking at it as an as-friends thing or a possible date. As far as I know, she thinks I'm straight. I'm just trying to let things follow their own path and see what happens. It's just really hard for me to admit I don't have control over this.

 

Not entirely sure yet, it'll depend on how our schedules work out. Even if I just think about it too much, I get all nervous and fluttery feeling and thinking of ways to back out. Sooo who knows if it'll actually happen or not x_x.

 

Soo, just set a lunch date for Tuesday... -commence freaking out-

 

I will. Thanks, you guys. I'm glad I found this little anonymous community to kind of vent all my confusion and get it out. I'm freaking out but just trying to tell myself that this is just hanging out, even though I'm kind of in the "ohmygosh, what do I wear," phase like I usually am before a date with a guy.

I almost chickened out and canceled, but I figured that'd make me look like a mental case. So I'm making myself go through with it; if nothing else, I gain another friend to hang out with when I'm bored.

>.< send good thoughts that I don't completely embarrass myself!

 

So it went surprisingly well. I'm still just as confused as before, but now at least I know she's the kind of person with whom I genuinely enjoy spending time, and not a total shallow/superficial party girl like first impressions may have suggested. I generally get along better with guys - have more in common, match their style of humor better - so it's nice to meet a girl who's more on my wavelength. Regardless of whether or not I'm into her or she's into me... still confused about that.

So we hung out at a cafe and talked for a bit, then she invited me to hang out at her place since it was so cold outside and it was her day off. We went back to her place and just hung out, I helped her with some laundry, it was surprisingly laid back for how nervous I had been to start. It was nice just to hang out with someone; I don't have much of a social life outside of work. Still a little confused though, because she did talk a little bit about her on-again/off-again boyfriend, and even though I dropped a few possible openers, she didn't come out and tell me if she's bi or not. Of course, since it was never broached, I didn't tell her that I'm kind of questioning myself. So the whole hang out ended with a hug and her saying she'd text me the next time she's free.

Still not sure what I'm feeling... maybe I feel like I'm attracted to her because she emulates the kind of woman I sometimes wish I could be - strong, independent, spiritual, optimistic... with some very cool tattoos XP - or maybe I just haven't met that many girls that are actually similar enough to me to be interested in hanging out with them, so now that I have I'm mistaking just liking her as a person for a physical attraction.

It's just weird to try to determine where my head is at. When I picture a relationship, I picture myself cuddled up with a guy, that strong protector image archetype, so I can just be the one being taken care of instead of always taking care of others; as well as me being the domestic one (hate the term, but it's true, I enjoy doing unexpected things for others to make them happy) and cooking dinner/etc. for a guy. But when I fantasize or dream, I seem to think about how it would be to be the one in control and dominating a woman; how I know all the spots to hit, and how it would be to make her feel good. Maybe it's just because my turn-ons, when it comes to turning someone else on, are all very in line with most girls', and not really a lot of guys'. I.e., kissing their neck, nipples, hips, and hearing them make noises/catch their breath/etc. I'm not explaining this very well, but anyway... some guys are not at all turned on by their nipples being played with, and some don't react to their necks being kissed or things like that; the absolute worst is when a guy is so quiet you can't even tell if you're turning them on at all. x_x So maybe it's just that I relate some of those reactions with girls, when really I just want to find a guy who's a bit more vocal or sensitive in those areas? Then again, I also found a few excuses to touch her casually, to see if I felt that attraction. And when she invited me to come out for her birthday in a few weeks, I wondered if she'd get tipsy again and try to dance with me or do more than that.... Sigh. Even though, when it comes down to it, I'd rather her be straight than one of those girls who just makes out with anything that moves when they're drunk.

I have no idea... gah. Confused as ever, but I feel like at least I've made a friend out of this, so it was good. And I'm trying to breathe and just take it one day or experience at a time. I am glad, however, that I didn't say anything to my mom yet - I'm still way too unsure to say anything for certain, and I wouldn't want that to be family gossip for years to come.

 

No, I definitely appreciate hearing some third-party opinions. I'm confused enough as it is, any little insight helps.

I agree about the difficultly differentiating between attraction and admiration. I think that's something I'm going to have to question as I get to know her more. Maybe there's this whole Freudian thing going on and I think I'm "attracted," to these women because I want to be more like them. Who knows . I wasn't exactly jealous when she mentioned her on-again/off-again boyfriend, but it was kind of like an "oh... damn," moment.

Based on your second paragraph then... do you believe people are only completely straight or completely gay? "I wouldnt worry about the fact you still picture yourself with a guy, sometimes if all you have ever heard about, or imagined growing up is that you would be with a guy its kind of hard to shake that image even if you know you find girls attractive." That doesn't really make it sound like you're considering bisexuality a possibility in my case. I still definitely consider myself attracted to guys, and not because it's expected or what society deems appropriate.

The few excuses I made - just casual touches, pointing to her tattoo and asking about it, etc. - were more like a test for myself to see how I would react. I'm not sure I can really say how I felt about it - they weren't exactly intimate caresses or anything like that. Which is probably why I was wondering how her birthday might go down - cause I'm curious to see how I would react, since I'm not at all sure. I really do wonder if being turned on by dancing with her last time was just an automatic reaction to being touched. Biology is a bitch sometimes... I guess I'll just have to wait and find out. Although just tonight she invited me and the guy (and probably some other friends) to go out tomorrow night. I'm kind of excited, mostly just because I don't have a social life and it'll be nice to go out with friends. But also because it gives me a chance to hang out with her more and get to know her. Again, right now I'm treating it more as getting to know her as a friend than anything else... I'm beginning to doubt myself now the farther away it gets from the instances where I've thought I might be physically attracted to her.

...I will admit, I did text my best friend while I was hanging out with the girl saying how cute she was. And it did feel somewhat like a date in the sense I was nervous and cracking jokes and such.

 

Yeah, that's how I'm going to approach it. I will admit, I was disappointed the other night when she was going to come out with a few friends and myself and had to cancel at the last minute.

Okay, I didn't think you were... and I agree, I wish it were simple black and white, you're gay or straight, but it's very much a combination of a number of different factors and no two people are the same. The sliding scale makes sense, I've heard that used before to describe sexuality.

True. I don't know, again, I'm trying not to overthink things - which I tend to do. But yes, I've found a few other girls attractive, but again I'm not sure if it's just admiration or casually saying "she's pretty," or if it's a sexual attraction. Gahh... it's just frustrating, quite a bit of conflicting emotions and thoughts going on in my head right now regarding this and a few other things.