WARNING: This is basically a rant, so it may be even less coherent than my previous threads. Just wanted to give vent to the chaos going on in my head at the moment and hopefully it doesn't upset anyone. -------------------- I'm getting to the point where I feel like I'm getting mixed messages. I'm continually trying to work on coming to terms with my own feelings and at the very least I've accepted that I'm attracted to men more than women and generally I've been fine for many many months even if I still had some slight, lingering doubts regarding women from time-to-time. To go further, I would say that any 'attraction' I have to women is of a limited sort so while it may be a part of any 'heterosexual tendency' or 'fluidity' or whatever other people feel like calling it, it's not something that needs an intimate relationship to be fulfilled. At the same time, I guess it's still very weird to think of appreciating women but not being interested in them, at least like 'that.' Yet, when I see comments from other users I'm constantly seeing 'don't worry about labels' or suggesting people like myself are being disingenuous by saying I'm only significantly attracted, romantically and sexually, to men. Which seems easy to say if you yourself are significantly attracted to both sexes, have already been with the opposite sex felt the lack of fulfillment and realised you are gay or know that the chances of you getting together with someone of the opposite sex are slim yet still say, "I don't know what the future holds." If it were as simple as me being bisexual, I think I would've continued to identify as such as I originally had and worked on accepting it and coming out to people but clearly that's not how things played out. And then I constantly see people mention 'sexual fluidity' without actually going into detail about it, so I still don't entirely understand the concept. Does it just refer to 'quirks' like people having some emotional and/or physical attraction to people of the sex they're not generally attracted to or does it mean that someone who is, for all intents and purposes, gay will become bisexual over time? I'm getting to that state of mind where I'm thinking, "Well, apparently others here seem to think that people like me could end up with a woman, so what the fuck have I gone through all this mental turmoil for?" Right now the only reason I'd wish I was straight is because they don't have to go through all this shit about their sexuality. I'm sorry for going off on such a volatile rant, but within the last day my mind has started to feel like it's going off the rails and I feel angry, sad, frustrated and confused all over again similar to what I felt roughly a year or so ago [there are moments I just want to break down and cry if only to release the tension inside me, but I'm too emotionally repressed for that.] Fortunately, I have an appointment with my therapist this evening, so I can try to talk about what I'm feeling then. But right now I can't think of EC as the place of support and comfort as I once had and it fucking sucks.
Hi there! Having a rant about how you feel is good! You found an outlet to begin putting your feelings and thoughts surrounding your sexuality into words. It might not seem much at the moment, but that's part of trying to figure it all out. There are times where we want answers, almost immediately to everything that's going on around and within us. But with some things, like figuring out ones sexual identity, it doesn't work that way - not always. And you know what? That's okay. Going through all of the 'stages,' going through all of the feelings and associated questions and thoughts, gives you an opportunity to get to know yourself. Do you really need to know what the future holds at this point? Why not just take it one day at a time? Maybe what would help you is to let go when you feel all the emotions starting to boil. Let go, and shed a few tears. If you end up crying, it's mission accomplished. Repressing your emotions only creates even more pressure within you. You are ceiling off an outlet. You might have other outlets, but they don't help you to let all of it out. If you think about it, it's like a volcano, dormant for some time. The pressure building up inside, the lava rising to the top. The pressure keeps rising under the ice caped dome. The pressure keeps building because there is no outlet until the pressure will create an outlet. I suspect that a part of you wants to let it all out. Maybe a part of you wants to for the lid to come off. And maybe this is what needs to happen for you to be able to take a step back and try to look at your feelings/emotions more 'objectively.' You already know that you have a range of feelings and attractions. Start with those. Start talking about them with your therapist tonight. Tell your therapist, this is what I'm feeling. (*hug*)
It's not that I'm looking for answers though, I'd say I'm at least 90% certain about myself at this point just in having reflected upon things for so long now. It's just been a matter of trying to figure out how the 'quirks' work into the bigger picture and lately, in particular, I felt I had a grasp why I feel differently about the thought of being with a guy as opposed to a woman despite my being able to find the latter attractive physically and/or emotionally as well. At this point, I just feel that others either do or may second guess someone like me who idenitifies as gay if they have things they appreciate about the opposite sex, but just in a different way. Despite not having had any experience, it's not like I can say 'gender doesn't matter,' 'cause there's something about imaginging myself being with another man I've never gotten when thinking about being with a woman. I'm just tired of other people telling me to take it easy, not worry about it, etc. because I CAN'T, that's not how my mind works. The worst thing about this whole process of questioning and then accepting my sexuality has been that it's more of a mental than an emotional upheaval. I'm just tired of it and I want it to end already.
Being 90% certain of where your feelings are at, maybe it's time then to take a break, and say to yourself, I need to stop thinking about who I am, and try enjoying it. Don't worry about what others are going to think or feel. Why would they second guess someone like you? If you tell them, this is me, this is who I am, and if they second guess that, it's their problem, not yours. From the sounds of it, you know who you are. You know what's happening. Maybe all that is really needed, is not a chat about who am I, but rather, this is who I am, now how do I build up some confidence and go out there, and enjoy who I am.
Guess that since for most of my life my attraction to men was dormant, I'm not really sure how to enjoy it now. As far as the second guessing, it's not so much in person [where I have few outlets aside from my LGBT group for it,] as online when I read all the comments, responses, posts, etc. that make me wonder if I'm being silently judged by others or suspected of not being 'genuine' about my sexuality.
