I really, really hate the way I came out, and now I've been hating myself lately because of it. I wish I could redo it :/ I came out last year when I was a freshman, and I was at the height of getting friends, and I really didn't have any close ones. I told people - a lot of them - for attention, I had no drive to come out then except it would give me attention, and I'm pretty sure I was in a hypomania too at the time and I was being very impulsive, and I actually only truelly accepted myself as gay this year, well last year, but in the fall. I really wish I could somehow redo it :/ though most people really don't care, except a few who attacked me last year... And I Lost a lot of would-be friends and I'm already lonely as can be, and there's no gay guys at my school, but there is this one bi guy, who came out to me, but he is so weird, unattractive, and he asked me how to masturbate once... it was really odd + he told me once that "You know u don't have to date someone to have sex with them! That's called having a fuck buddy!" and he constantly asks me to have sex with him, which will never happen - and I want my first time to special and with someone who matters to me. so I'm alone In the aspect, though I've dated a guy who went to the public school where I live, but that lasts two and half weeks, and we didn't even kiss, sigh. I still haven't told my family, and I won't for a very long time more likely, due to a abusive relationship with my parents. And my father says homosexuality is a birth defect, and my mom probably knows I think, because if I do anything that she calls feminine she will scream at me - and one time this summer I was "talking" to this guy which now I regret because he's the kind of person I hate. She read the texts between us - then his facebook posts, which were about me, and then once he went to my house to give me a note (?) but I was not at home at the time, but my mom was and apparently she had a verbal fight with him. I really regret talking to him, because he's weird, not my type, overly feminine (he is like Adam Lambert, but worse), and he fucked up my life! So she's pretty much scared I'm gay, I guess, and I don't want to disappoint her anymore than I do, since she acts like I'm some kind of an embaressment http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzvkVSoseJU Like all of these people are so happy that they're out, but right now I hate that I did - well the way I did, which is out weighing that joys of being out down
We all do things that we end up regretting, so I get where you are coming from. Problem is, once done is done, and all we can do is try to accept that and move on. Try to let your frustration over wanting to do it over again go. Nothing is so bad it cannot be salvaged. You are only 15, you have your entire life ahead of you, in a few years all of this won`t even matter anymore, you`ll have moved on, trust me! I am sorry about your family, and their attitude. I get that it`s tough to hang on in there, but try to. Focus on school work, grades. And we are here for you
Yeah, my grades are really, really lacking, not that I can't do the work, I just don't... no motivation I guess
And I totally understand that. Though I am not in school age anymore, I do notice that it is hard to do good work with my job, when I am distracted and struggle with something. But you want more freedom in the future, and freedom/independence cost. If you neglect your grades now, it will make your journey harder for you. The thing is, you can create this wonderful life for yourself, if you can work past the troubles, and focus on making it as well as you can. With good grades, you can get a job that you like, which will earn you money and independence. Trust me, I let my problems derail me for a long time, and lost 5-6 years which could have been spent being happy, instead I spent it crashing down a dark tunnel. If you get some help now, by talking to a school counsellor, by working through your problems with self-help options, you can possibly save yourself a lot of pain later, and if you work on getting your grades up, it will make things so much easier for you later And even though it might sound unlikely, if you make up your mind right now, that you deserve a good life, and that you are willing to do the work it takes to achieve it, it will be a first step that can do wonders for you. If you decide that no issue, problem or attitude from others is going to hold you back from getting to a point in life where you are content and happy, then you can get there. Sorry, I do not mean to be preaching or anything, I guess I get a bit eager. We all have the power to turn our lives around, sometimes it just takes time before we discover our own strength and capability. *hugs*
