So I told my dad on December 22 that I am gay, and since then I thought he was starting to come around to accept me. But today I asked him if I could stay after school on Thursday for the GSA meeting and he said I can but if I do then I have to stop everything else. Meaning I cant play lacrosse, or stay after for tech club. But the worst part is he is gonna tell my boss to fire me from my job. Since I'm under 18 they would have to let me go. If I wasnt able to go to spring mountain and teach I think i would fall apart. When I'm teaching children how to ski I forget about my life and I'm actualy happy. But as soon as I the mountain closes and I have to go home life just piles on top of me. Even when I'm at my moms house, who accepts me compleatly, all I can think about is how my dad is trying to take everything away from me and find a cure. And at the moment I really don't know what to do, or even why I should keep living. Even if I don't go to the meeting and he doesn't make me stop school related things he's gonna make me stop working at the mountain because I'm there from the time I get home from school until 9:00 when they close
Can your mom overrule that in any way? ....what does he possibly think can be gained by taking away physical and therefore "manly" activities such as lacrosse and skiing? Does he think that you'll stop being gay to get them back? Like you woke up one morning and thought "I'm going to be gay for a while" and you'll change your mind if your privileges are taken away?
Yup pretty much. And my mom can't do anything about it because it is joint custety meaning they both have to agree when I get a job
Would it be an option for her to get sole custody? I don't know about Philadelphia, but in Canada it would be considered child abuse to punish you for being gay, and more than sufficient for him to lose custody.
The good old U S of A doesn't see it that way. I used to love my country but I have lost faith in it. But I still respect service men and women
This is something to have a meaningful conversation with your mom about. Depending on how well she gets along with your dad, perhaps they could have a discussion about it and she can explain that taking away privileges from you will not make you straight. Alernatively, perhaps you, your mom, and your dad can go see a therapist for a 90 minute session. If you, your mom, and the therapist all explain to your dad what it means for you to be gay, then perhaps he'll start to accept it... and in the same deal, perhaps he'll get to talk about his concerns and worries and the two of you will get a chance to hear him out in a less judgmental setting. Ultimately i think he's trying to look out for what he thinks is best for you, not trying to hurt you... he just doesn't know what to do. So I think one or both of the above options is your best bet. If none of that works, I'd suggest talking to your school counselor, who might also be able to force a meeting between both of your parents, particularly if it's framed as something that's affecting your school performance.
What exactly are you basing this on? I think it might depend on the judge you got, but if you and your mom both agree, and sue for her to have sole custody, there is a lot of evidence that attempts to change someone's sexuality are harmful, especially against their will. I'm not sure we know who would win that case. At the very least, you might be able to get a ruling that your mother's permission is adequate for school activities. In regards to custody hearings, I'm pretty sure what you want has significant weight in most states. On the other hand, this is sort of the nuclear option, in regard to your relationship with your father. Which is to say, regardless of whether it's possible, I'm not sure it's something you really should want to do. I'm not sure what he's trying for with this tactic, anyway. I mean, he could have just refused to give you permission to go to the GSA meeting. Instead, he's giving you this weird choice between your sexuality and everything else. That's weird. He expects you to choose the other things, and, I don't know, to have you eyes opened or something, and realize--what? That being gay just isn't worth it? That there are more important things? I don't know what his logic is, but he expects you to make a specific choice and to learn some kind of important (in his mind) lesson here. Otherwise he'd just say, "No GSA," and have done with it. It's a dangerous game, but you could call his bluff, and make the opposite choice from what he clearly expects you to do. He might stick to his guns, though, and then you would lose out on your other activities. But it would send the message that you are serious about this whole "gay thing," and you aren't going to be manipulated out of it. When you talk to him about it, don't get mad. Just say, "Well, I don't really think this is fair, and I don't think it makes very much logical sense to make me quit all of my other activities just because of this one. But if this is the choice you give me, I have to choose the GSA. Because lacrosse and the tech club are just things I do, but being gay is part of who I am." (Since he isn't going to let you keep working at the mountain anyway, don't mention that as part of the conversation. At another time, separately from this and preferably after it is resolved, ask him whether it would be possible for you to just reduce your hours working there, since he thinks it's taking too much of your time.) I think this is the bargaining stage of the Stages of Grief (believe it or not, that means he's making progress). To me, that means you need to be calm and firm in dealing with him. Just be firm that you really are gay, and you are always going to be gay, and don't let him push you into compromising on it. This can be hard, because frankly, it will be painful for him: he really doesn't want you to be gay. You have to stay firm until he gives up hope on it. Then, he will get really depressed for a while. But after that, he should reach acceptance. What you can do right now, is to look up where there is a chapter of PFLAG in your area, and when it meets. Don't give him this information now, just have it ready. When he gets to the depression stage, then send him to PFLAG. Tell him there are other parents there who have had a really hard time too, and he can talk to them. You can also print out the stages of grief for him, if you think it will help. And try to realize that your father is going through a grieving process, and people are not rational when they are grieving. So he may continue to do some strange things until he gets through this. But the only reason to have such a powerful emotional response to this is that you are very important to him and he loves you. So, in the end, it will work out.
