So about nine months ago I joined a LGBT social group hoping to get connected to theoLGBT community now that I had came out to myself and maybe eventually make some friends (emphasize eventually). However, it's been my luck that the group is going through a slow period and a rebuilding phase (after my fist meeting they didn't hold another event for two month. From looking at old schedules I see they had met about every other week in the past). Currently, the events are sporadic, but very fun and enjoyable. I seem to get along with with people when I go but fail to making lasting connections. This is due my not being forward (I don't seek numbers, social media contacts, or initiate future meetings--I know I have to change that) and having no opportunities to see people regularly at a group functions. Yet now I feel like it's too late and I missed my chance at becoming friends with people in the group and have instead become the guy people see at the group. I've been "acquaintance-zoned," so to speak. I was once able to relax and enjoy myself at the meetings, being optimistic that something (I don't know what) would happen in my favor. But last month's meeting I felt awkward, out of place and like a tag along when conversing in a group. I can't act natural and just feel stressed, I feel a need to 'perform.' I feel like I purposely exclude myself (saying nothing but hello to guys I've met before) and keep my distance so it doesn't appear I'm trying too hard. On top of all that I'm nearly, obsessing over all of it. I see other new guys come in and then see pictures of them at a party with the long-time members popping up in my social network feed. So then I start to wonder what I'm doing wrong and then become resentful of the other members. It's terrible, it's wrong and I need to stop thinking like this. Please, someone talk me out of these feelings.
You're pretty much going through what I did. I'm very shy....however, you have a start. I went and felt like an outcast from the first second. Here's what you need to know- gay men can be cliquey. My schools group has a friend of mine in it - she's lesbian, and understands that the guys are all friends. Also, in MY OPINION, a lot of these guys are there for sex. And these "relationships." So it depends on what type of group you are in. If its a social group, expect this. Activism groups are a bit better....but not much different.
It's supposed to a friendship group, and people really do act like it's that way. Lots of the people there are there because they don't only want relationships with gay men; they want friendships. I m starting to think some cliquishness exists, but that just may be the aforementioned resentment bubbling through. It's really hard because I'm just coming out and have to some how take initiative to make friends with people from a world I'm only just starting to get familiar with. It's very isolating. My other problem is that I'm much better making friends one-on-one than in a group. We've talked about this at group meetings how awkward it is when you don't know whether it's you're friends getting together or on a date.
