I know many people have it worse. They're kicked out, beaten, or made to feel disgusting. When I came out, it was a struggle, especially for my dad, but they came to TOLERATE my sexuality. And I say tolerate because my dad in particular gladly admits that he still doesn't accept the "lifestyle" and doesn't want anything to do with anything gay, besides me. We've had long, VERY emotional discussions/arguments about this that usually don't end well at all. His argument is simply that he doesn't want to change. He says that I'm actually in the wrong when I try to change him and his view on gays because he didn't try to change me when I came out to him. Essentially, he wants me to tolerate his bigotry like he tolerates my sexuality. My argument is that nobody should be tolerating anything. Bigotry should definitely under no circumstances be tolerated and my sexuality should be "accepted" rather than tolerated; in effect, I think he should accept and stand behind all gays instead of merely tolerating me because I'm his son and not tolerating other gays because they're not his son. I feel like it's not enough to just tolerate me, because at the end of the day, I can still feel his disapproval and disappointment and that tears me up inside. He also reflects his issues on me. Like I said, he claimed he feels disappointment from me for not accepting his opinion on homosexuality. So please tell me guys, am I wrong for wanting my dad to change his views on something that he's so adamant on not changing? Is it fair for me to ask him to change his opinion because despite saying that he loves me, holding this opinion makes me less able to feel his love? Or is he right that I'm being unreasonable for trying to change him even though he did not try to change me?
I would feel the same way. But with my dad it is the oposit he doesn't mind gays but he hates that I'm gay ---------- Post added 14th Jan 2013 at 10:23 PM ---------- Can I ask wear you are from. My school mascot is a ram and I graduate 2015. Do you by chance go to spring-ford high school
Ya it was a small chance but I recently told a friend to look at this site and thought just maby. I wish my dad was able to tolerate me, it would be better than hating me
l seem to be in the minority but l had no real plan of telling my parents. Like why? l guess l feel like once l meet someone l'll take it from there. Here's the thing IME: once you do meet someone are if you're serious about them l've seen parents who weren't really into their kid's sexuality become more supportive. Especially if they like the person and can see that you're happy. l have gay cousin and we all really like her girlfriend, she never come out to us before being involved with someone though.
You want him to accept your views on homosexuality, but won't accept his views on it? Not saying he's right, but respect and tolerance goes both ways. Rather then argue when he brings up his views, try saying "I'm not trying to change you views, but could you please not voice them when I'm around as it upsets me." Likewise if you could try to be more careful of your wording. Use the word partner instead of boyfriend. Don't hide it, but don't be heavily opinionated about in while in his presense. It's hard, I was having a talk with mum and a friend of hers and they brought up that it's the devils work creating the problem (my sisters a nut job!!!) and asked me if I agreed. I just said that I'm not christian so I didn't agree. Left it at that and we continued talking.
Yeah, I thought about not coming out at all until meeting someone. That's one option. I have a boyfriend but my parents have never met him. I've thought that maybe when they meet him, things will change, but the relationship is still early and I don't want to rush anything. @Last Gentleman, I guess I can see how he could have a point. The thing is though I am open to new ideas. I think a lot of problems could be solved if everyone just kept an open mind instead of hanging for dear life onto their beliefs. Being less opinionated would make things better, but that wouldn't snip the problem in the bud. It would still be there, an unspoken tension. And yes, my family is very opinionated, lol.
Tolerance is never enough. Maybe this doesn't fit with a lot of your experiences, but in my head: parent (n) Someone who loves a child unconditionally. Being against a part of you is not loving you unconditionally, because he's refusing to love that part.
you're right to not rush it. Another l think is that types like your dad overestimate how much their opinion on the matter really means to you. l mean to say, if it's obvious to him that you do care a lot about what he thinks(and it seems like you do) he's going to feel like he has the upper hand and refuse to compromise with you. Maybe it's that he knows some small part of you accepting yourslef is based on what he thinks. l would back off for awhile. Do your thing, get more comfortable with yourself and then maybe that time you'll be further into your relationship. At that point if your dad sees how much you've changed and meets your partner/BF he won't have any real reason to not accept other than the choice to continue to be stubborn which is possible...but at that point l see many parents change their attitude, especially if other family members are supportive.
How long has it been since you came out to him? For some parents, it can take months or even years for them to really come around to acceptance. Of course his concept about accepting his bigotry is just ridiculous, and I suspect that, deep down, even he knows that. I wouldn't assume that's how it's always going to be. But I don't think there's much you can do to change it except give it time.
So I've thought about this in my own situation. I'm only out to my therapist right now, this closet is very comfy I was thinking about perhaps either coming out sooner, or after meeting someone. There are advantages and disadvantages to both approaches. The disadvantage of waiting is that you have to hide your relationship until that time comes. I'm not sure that's fair to your partner, especially if they're open. On the other hand, there's the benefit of having someone there with you and for you when you do it if you wait (and they're OK with that). I think that this is probably something that should be discussed at the formative stages of the relationship if this is the route that you plan to take.
