Confused...

Hello all! I wasn't sure on where else to go since this is a matter very personal to me and it has been weighing on my mind for quite sometime now. It is difficult for me to explain sense it has grown into a complicated mess for me. I think a little back ground info is in order. I was involved in music ever since I was little. I tried sports...but they didn't work out. I eventually joined show choir and felt at home there with accepting people. I normally am pretty shy and reserved. Sometime during my junior year I started to question my sexuality after realizing that maybe I liked my friend who is a guy more than a friend because of my strange attachment and willingness to tell him everything. I really didn't do anything except secretly wish for things like asking me out to school dance events. I was strangely hesitant to any girl who seemed to have an interest in me in fear that might make him think that I am not available. Skipping ahead to the end of my senior year someone from my show choir group contacted me out of the blue and started to work his way in to charming me a bit. I was completely surprised and excited since I never had any relationship experience up to that point and didn't want the opportunity to escape from me. He kept progressively getting more sexual in his messages to me, moving faster than I was willing to go. I half reluctantly went along and experimented a little with him. But that in itself was a disaster. I was completely sexually and emotionally dead and made a fool of myself. After a few minutes he dropped me off and never contacted me again. I was a bit lost for a while during the summer after my senior year and a little once I entered college. I made the mistake of telling my close friend who is gay that I thought that I was gay when I was not ready. This turned out to cause more problems than I thought it would. Sometime during my first semester at college I met someone who I knew was gay and had an interest in me. I tend to have an overactive imagination and tend to dramatize certain situations and because of that I tend to think that anyone who talks to me is interested in me in someway. I pretended to be ignorant of his attraction to me and after a while we did somethings together, in which I was again sexually and emotionally dead. I panicked and backed out of our relationship and started to avoid him. The next semester, I did my best to severe ties with anyone who I built a relationship with and last semester I transferred schools to be at the one where my gay friend was (the university also has a very large gay community.) I didn't join any LGBTQA clubs out of fear and I was literally desperate to find someone even though I wasn't sure of my self. Me and my gay friend were roommates up until the last weeks of school when I moved out to another single room because I no longer get along with him. He practically outed me even though I was not ready to other people.
So here I am today sitting here in my room thinking over and over again about who I am and what has happened. I am deathly afraid of opening myself up to anyone ever again. I had frequent thoughts of suicide last semester and even went to see a councilor. I can say that I have a strong desire to live now, but I ended up lying to my councilor because I was afraid. I have people now who think I am gay and some who have no idea, though my personality, appearance, and the way I talk seem to indicate that. Whenever I think that a girl likes me or thinks that I like her, I get really afraid and start to get nervous and panic. This makes it very awkward for me. Then I started to freak-out even further worrying that my teacher thought that I liked her. This caused a lot of awkwardness and stress for me. I tend to not talk to guys because sometimes I cannot relate to them or I do not like or do the somethings that they do. Sometimes I feel nervous around gay people and start to talk nonstop. I seem to be more comfortable talking with girls and opening up and being myself when I am not all nervous.When ever I look at youknowhat it is always two or one men and not straight or between two girls. My dreams are always of me with another guy and I seem to like it a lot. But, I am still very unsure and scared as to what is going to happen from here. I would like to join the LGBTQA club here, but I do not want to draw attention to me. This semester I am trying to avoid people and put on a unshakable resolve face so nobody can step on me ever again. I have been having social anxiety and sometimes I do not to to the cafeteria to eat or even think about skipping class. I get to nervous in social settings.
I apologize, I did not think that I would write this much :icon_redf.
I hope this doesn't seem to look like I am trying to fish for pity; I just really need someone to listen as I have been holding it in for so long. Thank you for taking the time to read.