I'm coming here for help and opinions because I honestly don't know what else to do. I've been with my current boyfriend for about 5 months now, and we are both very open people, sexually. When he was in his teens, he took a trip to Europe with other kids of his age, and was involved in a 6-way situation with the girl he was seeing at the time and two other couples. At the suggestion of one of the girls, he became the bottom for another boy in the group and they had sex. He said he enjoyed it but it was not something he would do again. He said although he enjoyed the physical stimulation he was not attracted to men. Fast forward till now, he has shared soft femdom and pegging fantasies with me and we have experimented with a strap on, feeldoe, etc. and it has been great. We also have vaginal sex regularly. Last night, however I was using his computer and came upon his search history which yielded a lot of things I wasn't aware he was into, such as mmf with bisexual men, tranny porn, etc. What really brought me overboard though was then searches of 10-20 Craigslist personal ads from men soliciting other men for sex. These searches were done in the middle of a 3-day period where we were giving each other space, him having stayed over my apartment a lot in that time period. I confronted him, he fessed up to watching the porn, said he had debated bisexuality but was firm that he was not. He could not explain the Craigslist ads. I know there is no one that has access to his computer. I told him that I love him no matter what, and want him to be himself. He continues to deny bisexuality. Can anyone shed some light on this? Also, he sometimes has issues staying aroused, not only when we are having vaginal sex, but also when I am Dom. He chalks it up to smoking, drinking, and tons of recreational drug use from his past, as well as a self-serve piercing on the tip of his member he did when he was young. I noted he is consistently aroused in the mornings, and asks for sex from me a lot, mostly vaginal.
I think he's probably not gay. If he had access to a computer which he assumes is private why would he not look up gay porn? He may just be curious. As well just cause your into "The butt stuff" that doesn't mean that you're gay. I could be wrong and the cragslist part is a bit sketchy but his want for vaginal sex with you wouldn't fit if he were gay.
He is definitely bi at least, he should stop trying to deny it. About the morning sex, almost every guy gets hard in the morning regardless of who is next to them. I think accepting bisexuality and its likelihood is a good first step towards him figuring himself out more
Truth is, he might be bi, he might be gay, he might be just uncomfortable with femdom and pegging at some level. Seriously, however sexually open-minded you are, "doing this makes a guy gay" is a difficult prejudice to get oneself rid of in our culture, even if it's completely illogical. Doing all that to him didn't make you a lesbian, didn't it? Erection... Ok, if you didn't suspect he might be cheating on you, would it bother you? Because really, rumours that every straight male was secretly replaced by a BonerBot 9000 are totally unfounded. Sometimes erection just doesn't happen, and if there's no regular pattern to it (other than "he is a BB9K in the mornings...") it's probably nothing. And, by the way... Well, it seriously appears that some guys just aren't wired for both receiving anal and having an erection at the same time. Craigslist... I don't know... This is something someone who questions his sexuality would do, just to see if he's aroused by RL photos of gay guys, but seeing how he was all open about you with everything else, I can't think up of a reason why he just didn't explain it that way. Or why this brilliant idea wasn't ready at the tip of his tongue if he indeed cheated. So, I guess he neither is as sure of his straightness as he presents it, nor did he do anything with anyone from these ads. I seriously suspect he himself still has no idea. ---------- Post added 15th Jan 2013 at 11:08 PM ---------- Yes, on the other hand, he doesn't just get hard, he wants to have sex too, which wouldn't be the case were he both gay and aware of it.
He seems like he might be curious, especially because the stuff was during your time off. Granted, he could be doing it all the time. It is bizarre. But sometimes, no matter how open people are about it, people don't want to fess up. He might be really curious, he might be bi...he might be a secret agent. Frankly, I'd be more up front with him about your relationship. Ask him what is going on, but don't necessarily question things. Try and get him to come to you. If he's curious, maybe something can be worked out. If he's gay, obviously, you can't work that out.
It's really hard to argue he's completely straight. And, given the Craigslist postings, the fact that he seems to at least somewhat enjoy anal, and the other stuff you found on his computer... I'd imagine this is likely more than "questioning." But he may be struggling himself with where he is, so his saying he's not gay might be an absolutely true answer as far as he knows now. There are 5 stages everyone goes through as they accept any loss (in this case, for him, the loss of identity as "straight", and the stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. So he could be in denial and trying to work it out. So the only thing you can really do is give him space, and be with the idea that perhaps things will work out with you... and perhaps he'll realize that he really is gay. In either case, you can't do anything to change things, and he probably doesn't yet know the true answer. The best gift you can give him is compassion, space, and the ability to love him and want the best for him regardless of where that leads. I wish I had more solid advice but I don't think there's any to be had from anyone at the moment.
I talked to him again about it last night, saying that I need an explanation for the Craigslist ads or I would leave him. I know that just because a man enjoys anal doesn't make him gay, and that straight guys watch all kinds of porn. But just because he is questioning his sexuality doesn't mean I can expect any less of him as a boyfriend. We looked through his history together an he explained after his last relationship he toyed with the idea of bisexuality because he is definitely attracted to women and was curious about men. He looked up men on Craigslist and sent an email or two, but always backed out. He used the word "fantasized" but said in the end he was just not attracted to men, just enjoys the physical stimulation. He was looking up ads until just before we met and started talking, and hasn't looked since (he still can't come up with the ads from 3 weeks ago, besides that he might have been high and searched it but he doesn't remember). I tried several times to break up with him, telling him that I wasn't sure if it would work and that I didn't care if he was bi but didn't want to date him while he was still questioning his sexuality. He told me also he fantasized and toyed with the idea in the past, he is not attracted to men and wants to be with me. We're going to keep dating, he's going to try and earn my trust back for all the concealing he did. On a separate note, I think he also might just enjoy being dominated, and hasn't fathomed a woman being the one to do it. I think I'm subconsciously taking this as a challenge because my sex drive seems to have skyrocketed in the last 2 days lol.
I am having almost the same issue with my boyfriend. We are both 23 and have been dating for almost 6yrs now with a few breaks. I found out that he emails men and couples on craigslist and when I confronted him it took a while to get the info out of him, but he came clean and told me that he just likes chatting with the guys and that he has had fantasies about being a top with a guy. He said that all he ever did was email people and he would never meet up or intend to, and from the emails it looks like that's the truth. He did once meet up with a guy a couple yrs back when weren't dating and he got head from him. He said that it could have gone farther but he didn't take it there because he had no desire to. He says that he is not attracted to men and doesn't want a emotional or physical relationship with them and that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I believe that he is telling the truth but I am really worried that he's just confused and doesn't know what he really wants yet. I told him I would be fine with taking a break so he could figure it out but he said that he knows in his heart that he doesn't want to be with anyone else but me. He is my soulmate and I want to spend my life with him but I am worried that I am going to get really hurt later on in life because he didn't really know what he wanted. Does anyone have any advice or know any men that were Bi-curious early in life and then decided they were strait later? 8875twl: How did it work out with your boyfriend?
