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I just couldn't do it...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by JustARaconteur, Jan 15, 2013.

  1. JustARaconteur

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    Hey EC people,

    One of the biggest issues I have is telling other people I'm gay. I'm a survivor of ex-gay conversion therapy and even nine years after the fact I'm still somewhat screwed up about it. Two years ago I slowly started to come out and had a complete panic meltdown. After telling a few people, the next month I had myself a girlfriend. That relationship lasted eight months.

    For awhile now I've been wanting to tell a really good friend and I had the chance tonight. After work we met up at my favorite local restaurant and planned to do it. As the meal went on, I just didn't say anything. After our meal we ordered drinks and I thought a little liquid courage would build me up...I still didn't say anything.

    I think there are two big reasons for this: He knows about the girlfriend I had and he's said some anti-gay things before. He doesn't support marriage equality and thinks of being gay as all sexual activity and nothing else. It would also really hurt me if I lost this friend as I do value his companionship.

    What should I do?
     
  2. curlycats

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    this is just a thought, but...

    do you think it would help build up your courage to come out to your good friend if you first came out to an acquaintance or a lesser good friend who you think would take the news well...?

    actually, when you came out two years ago, what kind of reactions did you receive...? was your meltdown a direct result of negative reactions...?
     
  3. Lance

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    Is he really the type of friend you would want to have if he can't accept you even though you feel that he's a very good friend and [I assume] you guys have known each other a while? If you do come out to him and he does accept it and remains your friend, you most likely would be able to change his views on gay people.

    It's definitely hard putting yourself out there and in a vulnerable state. I think coming out is something many of us struggle with, no matter how out and proud we may be. If your friend truly values you, he will be able to accept the fact that you just happen to be gay and nothing else about you is really going to change from the person that he knows. The only thing different is that he would know one additional part of you.
     
  4. JustARaconteur

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    When I tried coming out in 2011, the reactions I got were all positive. One of them was a straight female friend and it actually strengthened our friendship. We're still the best of friends to right this day. Even where I live, in a Republican Red State, women are more accepting, so I expected that to go well. The next person I tested it on was a buddy who is what I call the Alpha Straight Male. He loves football, UFC, beer, the whole straight stereotype.

    Believe it or not, we met in college and I later found out that he's a cousin to my female friend. I never knew since their last names were different. Anyway, the three of us were hanging out at her house one night and I just said it. He looked at me, shrugged, and said he was cool with it. Like his cousin, we're still friends now.

    What caused my meltdown was the fear my family would find out. I'm a grown man now and not a scared high schooler, but things were BAD before. Yelling, fighting, crying, and god help me the "therapy." I didn't want to revisit any of that. Despite what they did to me, I still love my parents and siblings. I just couldn't get past having to face them again, even if this time was on my terms since I'm my own person now.

    That pushed me into seeking out a girlfriend, and not to brag or anything, but I found it easy to acquire one. That went over about as well as expected. She questioned my sexuality a few times and even two of her girlfriends (okay, not the best term to use on this site, but you know what I mean) were wondering, too. Now we're back to the now and I'm still concerned about losing things.

    I've thought of telling more distant friends, but even most of them know about the girlfriend since she was a HUGE part of my life. Even my new co-workers (I got a new job after we broke up) know about her since she sent one of her friends to harass me and cause a scene. Now that I say all this, it seems like the big issue is I have to explain away a girlfriend.

    So on top of still being afraid of negative reactions, I don't know how to handle the gf situation. I know that was all very rambly, but my thoughts are all over the place.

    ---------- Post added 16th Jan 2013 at 12:04 AM ----------

    Lance,

    Sorry, you must have posted when I typing my first reply. You do bring up a very good point and I've thought about that myself. If my friend would end our friendship because of who I am, is he really that good of a friend to begin with? We've known each other for about three years now and we hang out a lot. I mean, I've eaten meals with his family, watched my share of sports on his big screen, and when I had the girlfriend, we double-dated with him and his fiancee.

    I've told myself one of two things will happen: He'll end the friendship and will prove himself not a good friend at all, or he'll accept me and I can start to shatter his negative stereotypes of what it means to be a gay man.
     
  5. Chip

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    Hi, and welcome to EC. First, I'd suggest getting a copy of Joe Kort's amazing book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love". It has almost nothing to do with finding real love, but everything to do with understanding yourself and the issues that gay men face in coming out and learning to love and accept themselves. There are chapters that deal with religious stigma and family of origin issues as well. The book isn't a quick, breezy read, but it's well worth the effort.

    I would also highly recommend checking out the work of Brené Brown, a brilliant researcher and social worker who has done some amazing research in the field of shame, authenticity, courage, and what she refers to as "wholehearted iving." Particularly for people that have been subjected to the trauma of ex-gay conversion therapy, Dr. Brown's work helps us to learn to love and accept ourselves as we are, and learn to understand the issues of shame and feeling like we "don't belong" that keep us from living fully and wholeheartedly. I recommend her three TED videos, available on Youtube, as a good start, and if her work speaks to you, I can suggest a couple of her books.

    As for who to tell and when... you sound like you're in a pretty strong place, but I think I might be inclined to wait a little bit unless you're prepared for him to give you an unfavorable reaction. My guess is that he will probably be OK with it once he thinks about your relationship and who you are... but might at first have a knee jerk reaction given his apparently ignorant beliefs about gay people. I seriously doubt you'd lose him entirely, but it might be a bit of a stretch at the start.

    You're to be commended for committing to working through this in spite of the difficulty with your parents and the history with ex-gay therapy. That's a lot to sort through, but you seem to have come through it pretty well. I think if you take your time and work on the self esteem and shame issues, you can make a lot of progress pretty quickly.
     
  6. JustARaconteur

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    Thank you, Chip. I'm listening to one of Dr. Brown's talks on YouTube now and I'll look into some of the other suggestions. I think you really hit the nail on the head; my biggest issues seem to be this mixture of shame, self-esteem issues and guilt because of what happened. I've been trying to get past it, but it's a very slow, excruciating, one-step-at-a-time process.
     
  7. Shadowsettler

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    I really wish I knew how to help, but congradulations on being so strong. :icon_bigg I never had to deal with prejudice like that other than being called the "f" word a whole lot. Not much in comparisson.