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Feeling ashamed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by dreamcatcher, Jan 15, 2013.

  1. dreamcatcher

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    I've been dating a girl for a little bit over a month now. I really like her and we spend a lot of time together since we go to the same school. We ended up having sex today. It was completely unplanned and it was also my first time. For some reason, I can't help but feel ashamed of myself for having sex with her. I feel like a terrible human being. My parents had been texting me to make sure I was ok like they usually do and I lied to them saying I was in school dropping off a friend. I felt so disgusted with myself. Here I am having sex with a girl while my parents are worrying about where I am. It just feels like such a horrible thing to do. A long time ago, I never would have lied to my parents about anything. I feel like ever since I started coming out, I've been becoming this different person. It's true that I feel more open and comfortable with myself but I feel like I don't have the same sense of morality I used to. I've grown up my entire life in a family where morals, including sexual morals are so important and now everything I do is so different. I feel like I've thrown away the things I grew up believing in and I don't like that because it feels like I've rejected my family or my past. Also, I feel like such a liar now. I lie all the time about what I do,where I go and even what I believe in. And the worst part is that the fact that I'm lying doesn't phase me like it used to. I used to hate lying but now it's like I've become the thing I hate. A complete fraud and a liar.

    Another thing that bothers me is that the girl I'm seeing is into some things that could be considered... well kinky. And I hate the fact that I don't have a problem with it. Instead I feel turned on by some of the things she says or does and it's conflicting because I like it but I feel so disgusting at the same time because I do. It was my first time and it was great but at the same time, it wasn't because of this weird feeling of numbness that I have.

    2013 started off so great. I managed to make this core group of gay friends that we can talk relationship stuff with. I'm dating someone awesome. Some of my classes are actually pretty interesting and I've managed to try several new things I've never done before. I've even gotten closer with two of my other friends. Yeah, I'm stressed with school but I feel like for the first time since I got to this college, I found a place that I belong. And now I feel like I want to sabotage it all. I just want to get rid of the gayness because it's changing me and I don't know who I'm becoming. I feel like it's making me into a bad person. And even though I know in my head being gay doesn't make you a bad person since you guys are amazing and I've met some amazing lgbt people, I can't help but get rid of this feeling. It really sucks because I thought I had accepted myself and I accept it for what it is but I haven't had this strong dislike for being gay in such a long time. I feel like I want to go back to being straight now and erase everything because then maybe that way I won't feel like such a horrible person.:icon_sad:

    Anyways, I'm not really sure what I'm asking for here but support would be appreciated.
     
  2. MrPotato

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    Don't stress out over it... I'm pretty sure no one was obligated to do anything they didn't want to :slight_smile:

    As long as your heart was there, everything's good. And hey, love is love... and there needs to be some type of physical contact for it to work.

    Don't feel disgusted by something you wanted... im pretty sure it felt good, and that's all that matters.
     
  3. Dalmatian

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    Hey, you are being far too hard on yourself. You are allowed to feel good. You are allowed to enjoy the time with your girlfriend. And you are allowed to keep it to yourself if you want that.

    Being honest with your parents doesn't have to mean full disclosure. Everyone's life is their own; I doubt your parents expect you to share everything, especially these things that are private by default. You just have to find the middle ground. Being used to be able to discuss everything with them, which probably comes from the fact that you didn't have anything overly personal to discuss before, is not a reason to continue the practice and it's definitely not a reason to feel guilty if you don't.

    On the other hand, I think with first sex there is bound to be some questioning. You've had ten years to think about it, to imagine what it would be like, to assume some unrealistic expectations and so on. And then when you finally do it, it's all different, in good and bad ways. It's better than you ever thought, but then there are also some unforeseen negatives; weird touches of skin, weird insecurities, weird smells, weird feelings.

    Give it some time and don't rush yourself further if you are not fully in it. This is what you want and what you hoped for, but it is going to be overwhelming; just let yourself have some control over the whole thing. Discuss it with the girlfriend; make sure she understands that you did like it, but you need time to adjust to the new situation.

    Don't be too hard on yourself :icon_wink
     
  4. dreamcatcher

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    Ahh this makes so much sense! Dalmatian you are brilliant! Yeah, I don't know how else to describe it. Like it was good, but my mind wasn't blown because it was kinda weird at the same time. Maybe with some more practice it'll feel better and better :lol: I think the reason why I felt so bad about it was that I feel awful sometimes about having this secret "double" life sometimes. I see so many straight people talk about the people they're dating to their family and friends. It's so important yet here I am hiding it and it's so shady. I don't know I think being closeted just gets to me sometimes. And she's a lot more out than I am so I feel guilty about it too although I've been working on coming out more to my friends for the sake of my sanity and the future of having any kind of healthy relationship. I'd also be lying if I didn't say I still didn't have some kind of internalized homophobia inside me. I'm not fond of being gay still but it's something I'm slowly learning to accept.

    I will talk to her about it and I'm sure she'll understand. Thanks for the support :slight_smile:
     
  5. Dalmatian

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    Being gay sucks, but we'll be damned if that stops us from being happy, right? :wink: Sure it's tough. We have to fiercely fight just to come to where straighties start from. Well, so be it.

    Glad to be of help :wink: