Gay guys who don't prefer effeminate guys

I am personally not effeminate at all. I have a bulky frame, deep voice, enough hair to require several treasure maps in order to locate my lamppost and generally as un-effeminate as you can imagine. I don't give a damn what shirt I wear.

The guys I like are the effeminate type. Hell the guy I'm meeting is really effeminate, and has a fixation on the latest fashion wares.

 

I used to prefer masculine guys, but, effeminate guys are just simply happy being themselves. The guys who are feminine have taken accepting themselves one step further, which I think is just amazing. The reason I think most gay guys prefer masculine guys is not purely due to natural attraction, but due to the negative stigma of masculinity. Guys are constantly challenged and questioned on their masculinity, and being gay is seen as being feminine. This is why I think many gay guys are masculine themselves and prefer masculine men, to compensate for the loss of the hyped 'masculinity'.

Ever since I stopped fixating on what guy I want, I've just relaxed my preferences. Sure I still want a guy who is in decent shape, enjoys raving and loves gaming, but other than that, I don't care. I kind of prefer fem guys now, I'd be proud to call someone that is happy with themselves my other half.

At the end of the day we all strive to be happy, and to be happy with who we are. Fem guys are a little bit closer to that than most of us.

All the best.

 

I haven't had much luck either. I've only tried online dating. I'm not really out so I don't go to gay bars. It's impossible to meet guys in person because 1) most everyone assumes I'm straight and 2) I'm attracted to guys who you wouldn't be able to tell if they're gay if you met them.

 

I'm right there with you. I'm over 6 feet tall, a five days a week gym guy, I have a goatee, a deep voice and played baseball, basketball, and football in school. I even played college football as a TE. I don't lisp, swish, or give a damn about fashion. I love my worn jeans, band shirts and sneakers.

When I was growing up, all the gay guys I knew were FA-LAMING queens. High voices, girly mannerisms, swish this, swish that, and always gossiping and talking about seducing straight guys. I avoided those dudes all together.

My first boyfriend was completely masculine and we met online through a gaming forum. At least in my area the guys you'll see on dating sites are what I call casual dudes. Just keep your spirits up, bro.

 

I hear ya. From reading a lot of threads on EC and other sites, I know there are plenty of other guys that feel the same way as you and me. It's just, like you said, the non-flaming guys are more low-key and harder to find. I just made a profile on a dating site, but who knows if that'll go anywhere. That's not really my preferred way of meeting somebody anyways, but whatever... Just know you're not the only one!

 

In my opinion, it's a big problem. Because I, being more "feminine," want a masculine guy. I don't act like a complete girl, but I don't have a very masculine haircut (I get my hair highlighted.) I wear bright colors...I smile. I do all of that.

But, I don't want to date myself. I want a guy that sounds like you. I know it's super stereotypical to say there's a "man and a woman" in a relationship. But there needs to be differences in a relationship. And frankly, I highly doubt you'll want to date yourself. But maybe you just love yourself oh so much. This post reaffirms a lot of my thoughts that I will be single for a while, but it's life!

 

I won't call myself too masculine or too feminine. I look extremely masculine though. Have a natural "pissed off face", 6ft tall, broad shoulders, bulky but kinda on the chunky side. I hate wearing tight clothing at all. My voice could use be a bit lower but my own dad has a higher voice so it's genetic unfortunately.

I have never been attracted feminine features or qualities. But if I find myself attracted to someone fem then I will go for it.

No luck on finding anyone quite yet, though I have a friend who is super attached to me and sometimes I really think he may be gay or bi. I have a terrible crush on him and he too has pressure on him to "be a man".

I feel ya.

 

A lot of masc guys don't spend their time on websites for dating...etc, the majority I have met were on chat sites specifically to hook up and have problems admitting they're gay. I find them to be rarer than fem, but they are out there. You have to consider a lot of masc guys most likely have more problems with being gay and are going to be much less available.

 

Finally. I have only been on EC for a little over 2 weeks, and wanted to approach this subject, but didn't know how. Please know you are not alone.

If I was to come out right now, people's mouth would drop. Yes, there are tons of hints that I am gay, but people have never put it together (ie, I do swish my hair (a little), I have more clothes than any man straight/gay should, shoes too, but I just like to look decent when I am out in public - it's the way I was raised, my whole family is like that), I have a very masculine voice, and I was married for 14 years (with 2 step kids). All that said, I am a very masculine man, and just happen to love men. My brothers sons are both gay - one is masculine and his coming out was a shocker to everyone, and his 1/2 brother (different mom) is total fem and we all knew since he was a little kid.

I definitely am looking for a masculine man - NOT that I have a "problem" with fem men, its just not my type. I really, really, really hope this has not offended anyone.

 

Why are people so worried about offending others? It isn't about being offensive. But I think you all just need to be confident. Like who you like. If I'm single for a longggggg time because you just don't want a "feminine" guy, then that's part of it. But don't worry about being offensive! Live your lives.

 

I have had the same problem. Before, I tried finding masculine guys. The only problem is that many of them are hard to pin as gay and most are not looking for a relationship. Now, I swear they have all disappeared. I decided to join the military, and DADT has been removed. I'm openly gay on base, and no one cares. But, if I decide to go out, I cannot count how many times I have women looking and flirting with me. I, politely, explain that I'm not interested. I know there are more guys than just me in the military, but I think their reasons for joining are different than my own.

In my experience, many gay guys join to regain this "lost masculinity". I honestly feel no less masculine than my brother, and see no point to it. We did not decide to wake up one day and make life more difficult for ourselves. We are who we make ourselves, and do not let our sexual orientation define us. I wear cowboy boots, faded jeans and a tshirt. Do I look gay? No. Am I? Yes. But it doesn't define me.

Basically, I guess what I'm getting at is that being gay is still seen as something "wrong" with someone that can be "fixed". Therefore, masculine gays surround themselves with other men to try to fit in and find that missing masculinity that many claim comes with being gay. And if a guy isn't comfortable with who he is, then no one can change that but them. In time, I hope that I will be able to walk down the street with a boyfriend/partner and not get dirty looks. But, who knows? Best of luck. Just remember, you aren't alone in this conquest lol

 

I am what you would call a feminine gay by most people's standards. I do wear tight jeans and I do have a "hair flip" and I say "like" and "totally" way too much and I'm actually pretty happy about it. That being said, I've been hit on and gone on dates with guys all across the feminine/masculine spectrum. Mostly, they've been masculine and ridiculously so, however. The feminine/masculine dichotomy isn't something I really put any weight into, but for the sake of this post...that's how things are.

I've been locked in an epic and drama-filled "relationship" with a football player for the last four (almost five) months at this point now. Just saying, it really isn't worth it when one party is closeted. We've been on and off again this whole time, mainly because of a major hang-up he has on his sexuality. He's closeted, almost completely. He deliberately keeps me at a distance, and then says he needs me and wants me and misses me for a bit, and then goes back to ignoring me. It's insanely frustrating and upsetting and hurtful, quite frankly, and I simply had to move on because it was destroying my mental and emotional well-being. I was falling to pieces over it.

And while this epic saga with Football Dude was developing, I was having a fling with a cop on the side to deal with the repeated heartbreak, which honestly, just exasperated things. He pretty much worships, to this day, the ground I walk on. Every time I see him he drops buku-bank on me. Will kiss me until our lips are chapped and raw. He's so passionate with me that I'd leave his house with bruises on my hips and my arms every time. But as soon as his roommate came home...I'd be delegated to the guest room and then we were "just friends." Because this cop isn't out either, to anyone, really. And that was just as hurtful. Almost worse, actually.

My word of advice to you and everyone is: don't get involved with anyone closeted. And if you're closeted, you need to work on yourself before you can work on a relationship and realistically and practically love someone else. The secret is being out and open and honest with who you are, what you want, and where you want to go with your life. That's it.

---------- Post added 16th Jan 2013 at 11:09 PM ----------

..because this thread has been posted on EC a dozen or more times by people over the years. It's only a matter of time until someone comes into this one, like it happens in all of the others, and the fem-gay bashing starts.

 

So this is completely out of curiosity, but I wonder do lesbians have this same dilemma? Of maybe more feminine girls liking to be with feminine girls and not the more masculine ones, or does this not apply? I really have no clue, I have no lesbian friends at all

 

I'm a traditionally masculine guy who's slightly slobbish, is a nerd for shooting games, the military, and sports to a degree. Nobody would ever tell I like effeminate guys.

Not stereotypical flamers with the "gay" accent, but guys that are just cute. You know what I mean. HIM VV

 

Very true, and good advice. I am the type who attracts closet cases, and am attracted to them as well. And it always is tough going with them. A step or two forward, and one back. Too much wasted time to get to the point.

 

I think it has to do with our image of a masculine guy that we(mostly) prefer masculine guys over effeminate guys. I mean we always link an effeminate guy to a female, and we gay guys are attracted to guys so if a guy has 'effeminate' traits, it's an instant turn-off(I think) cause those effeminate traits are linked to female traits and we(mostly) gay guys don't get attracted(sexually) to females or any other female traits.

 

A lot of amazing things have been said already, so I won't say much else.

The trick to finding whatever is that you are attracted to is to be open and let others know you are in the market. If you are a more masculine type of guy then there are certain barriers that you have to deal with, but there are ways to counter that.

For example, if you are completely out to everyone you know and meet, then people will find you easier. I'm not saying stamp in on your forehead or anything, but people can tell when someone is half-way in the closet and when someone is completely out. Being completely out helps A LOT in finding someone.

Also, try to find LGBTQ activities that cater towards more masculine gus. Mostly based on stereotypes, but there are activities like hiking, running or other activity group where you will find more masculine guys than in other places.

Either way, I do appreciate you trying to be respectful about it all. Its nice to see that for a change

 

I wouldn't suggest only dating guys who are completely out of the closet, perhaps just avoid the ones who haven't even accepted themselves yet. For example, I'm in the closet in the sense that the only person I've told was my crush/fellow bisexual, and that was just because I trusted him a lot. So technically, I'm still in the closet. It's not public. However, I have no issues with my bisexuality (in fact, I consider myself to be mostly gay, but I still do feel attracted to girls), and like who I am. The reason I haven't come out to my friends is family is not because I'm embarassed to be gay/bi, but for several reasons. In regards to my parents, my mom would be fine with it, but I just don't want to deal with (positive) drama whenever I hang out with a guy. She'd probably think that every guy I chill with I'd have a crush on, and be making "aww you too are so cute" faces at me the entire time they were there. My Dad is mildly homophobic. I know that he would accept it, and would still love me, but I also know that he would feel like he'd done something wrong when he'd raised me. Since he's not actively involved in my daily life (parents divorced, we're still in good contact though), there's no need for me to tell him, unless I meet a guy who I decide is "the one". As for my friends, I simply don't know how to tell them without making them wonder if all these years I've secretly been crushing on them. They're all great people, but it would shake things up. I'm sure they'd still be friends with me, but it might make them slightly uncomfortable, and again, I don't see any likelihood that I'll be meeting anyone in my last year of high school, so why bother telling everyone.

My point is that, I wouldn't judge a potential relationship based on whether or not the person is out of the closet. Many people have pretty much accepted their sexuality, but just haven't found a reason to tell people. They may just be waiting for the right reason to justify letting it be known. Although it may not be the best tactic when trying to meet people, it's still a common attitude. Despite still being officially in the closet, if someone were to seriously ask me whether I was bi/gay, I'd tell them. I'm not ashamed to be who I am, and I got a boyfriend, I would never try and keep him out of my life or pretend we're just friends, I'd have no problem being public about it ^_^.

As for the original question, I don't necessarily prefer feminine guys (and I'm not attracted to overly feminine guys, as romantic partners, but as friends we're cool , I do like feminine-leaning guys. I just like guys who are a mix, not extremes. I'm not attracted to extremely feminine guys, but I'm neither attracted to very masculine guys (I have never once looked at a super-buff, 80's Arnold look-alike and felt turned on ). I like guys who are a balance like myself, comfortable in their masculinity, but with a feminine side. I definitely identify as male, but I have feminine aspects, such as a coy playfulness that emerges around people I like.