I am a 42, GWM, in a monogamous relationship for almost 7 years. We lived apart long-distance for the first 4 years and have been living together for the past 3. My partner is great. Caring, loving, supportive, etc. But sex is almost completely gone from our relationship. We still hold hands and hug but when we do have sex (about once every 6 weeks or so) it is boring, uncomfortable, and just down right non-eventful. He keeps saying he will do more and be more engaged. But when I approach him with things, like asking him during sex what he wants to do, he just says I don't know. He also has gotten to where he can only be in one position and only wants it one way. He does not care to explore my body. He doesn't even like me exploring his; he says everything I do tickles. So we have relegated things to just oral sex. He swore off anal sex altogether almost two years ago. To say the least, I am not happy. But it all seems so trivial when I look at our overall relationship and see how good things are. But I don't know if I can carry on in a relationship with no sex. It is just as important to me as the other factors in a relationship. Would love to hear from other guys, especially guys in their 30s/40s or in long term relationships. Thanks.
I'm definitely not in my 30s/40s, nor am I in a long term relationship. My two cents though: Have you tried having an honest discussion with him regarding this? The solution can be highly dependent on the cause. i.e. is it because his libido has really degenerated or has he somehow stopped finding you sexually attractive. Depending on the cause, feasible solutions can be things like: "watching porn, and getting into the mood before having sex", "roleplaying", or even "drugs". Either way, if there's no way to fix the sex, then I guess it becomes more of a personal decision as you mentioned. In life, I would dare say that we are often presented with choices and priorities that require sacrifice. If you can't fix the sex life, would you rather leave the 7 relationship behind and try to look for a relationship with a healthy sex life, or would you rather keep what you've built and adapt to living with a non-existent sex life. Arguably, it is best to commit yourself to one choice and not let your brain linger for the sake of one's happiness. Then again, I'm 22 and probably don't know shit.
I'm a guy in a long term relationship too and, while I never lived this problem myself, I can really understand why your situation is problematic, even more so than if the rest of your relationship wasn't so satisfying (because then it would be easier, a take or break situation if you will). If I were you I'd have The Talk, haha As in, finding the right time and talking the right way to your special someone in order to have him feel comfortable and non-pressured for the topic. Just try to figure out where sex stands in his priorities, as a couple and as an individual. It could end up with either one of those two results: One: Sex is still important to him and he secretly wishes that things would be better sexually between you two. In that case, I'd orient the conversation to find a common ground, ideas, fantasies, to go ahead and experiment. He'll be happy that you at least tried, if everything fails, and that could get you two in the good path for solving this. Also, having this conversation while you're not having sex might be easier, especially with a cup of wine. Two: you figure out that he's not that into sex anymore. If that's the case, be very careful trying to figure out why because that could be a trigger for him. Maybe his libido decrease is the symptom of something else going wrong in his life. All in all, you would need to very gently explain to him that sex is still very important to you, and that while you are 100% satisfied with the other aspects of your relationship, you and him need to try to work this aspect up too, even if it means going to a couple therapist for a few sessions and get tips there. Seeing that everything else goes so well and that you've been together for so long I'm almost certain that you know exactly how and when have this chat with him and to proceed carefully with what might be triggers. I'd love to know how it went, keep us informed? :goodluck:
