I need to accept that I am a aromantic asexual...

I've written down my frustrations with my sexuality or lack thereof you could say. I don't know if this will make a lot of sense to people, I'm not very articulate but I need to write it somewhere.

I'm female. I'm 25. I've been bi curious for seven years now. It all started with watching South of Nowhere and becoming obsessed with Spashely. Anyways from that point on having a same sex relationship seemed really appealing to me. And several years later it still is. I even sometimes fantasize about being in a same sex relationship - kissing, holding hands, a girl asking me out etc. But I know it's just one huge fantasy because I've never had any sexual or romantic attraction to women.

A couple of years ago I realized I was asexual because I have no sexual attracted towards guys either. And I’m all good with it. I also initially thought I was hetero romantic too. That was till I realized I wasn't romantic but aromantic. What I thought was romantic attraction towards guys, was actually aesthetically attraction. eg. I had a crush on a guy in high school. I liked his laugh, he was cute and liked to look at him but that was all. As long I could look at him I was happy. Not once did I think about being in relationship with him. And that how it's been for all the guy crushes I have had.

The few times I've been asked out by guys, my anxiety levels have shot through the roof. However I did once say yes to a male friend that I did get along well with, but that literally lasted for five minutes because of the massive anxiety. We went back to friends the next day.

I am fine with being asexual. It's is hard accepting that I am aromantic (still somewhat in denial) because that means I will never be able to experience the romantic relationship that I've always envisioned - to love someone and be loved in returned . However the thing I'm scared of the most is ending up alone. *sigh*

This denial of being aromantic has lead me to grab on to that bi curiosity that I have had about same sex relationships and over analyze it, to death (OCD) . I’ve been spending hours on this forum, hoping that maybe I can relate to a story on here, hoping that I had feelings for the same sex that I didn't know about and that maybe I am homoromantic, but I doubt that, I’m sure I would know by now. If I don't have that then there is nothing for me *blah* I don’t know how to accept that.

I am thinking it may be a good idea to talk to a Councillor? ... I doubt they would know what I am talking about:icon_sad: Or am I being over dramatic?

Thanks for reading.

 

A councilor is a excellent idea.

I talk to two different ones myself for different issues. I find they are great sounding boards on what I need to hash out in my head. They help by giving you a safe place to express what your feeling, and they can have some great advice.

About you feeling worried that you will end up alone, is perfectly natural. Everyone goes through that, especially when you facing an uncertain future. Just remember that you have friends, and family, so you will never be truly alone. I am very sure there are people that love you and care for you and are always happy to see you.

I hope this helps. (*hug*)

 

I have defiantly heard of that. The "queer platonic relationships / romantic friendship." And I've also heard of aromantics being in romantic relationships.

There are two problems with that -
1) I doubt I will find that. Most people don't want that.
2) I am very much a loner. I've always find it a struggle to keep up with friends. I need to force myself to keep in contact with the friends I do have.

I guess I could be. On another forum someone asked if it's possible for someone who dose not experience romantic attraction, to have a romantic drive (that describes me perfectly). Similar to how some asexuals still have a sex drive even if they don't experience sexual attraction.

Then again, I remember my friend asking me once "Do you really want a relationship? Or do you want a relationship because that's what society says you should want." That has always stuck with me. I am a hopeless romantic, and in love with the idea of love.

I don't think so, otherwise I would of fallen for an ex friend of mine who was technically prefect for me in every way.

The closest I've come to a situation like that is running into a person that I admired through out high school (a teacher), again by chance. After the interaction I felt like I was on some sort of drug, I couldn't stop thinking about her and felt extremely happy. It went away after a couple of days, thankfully, because it was freaking me out. But I think all it really was, was me being happy to see her again, otherwise it would of not been that brief.

I am glad I had that experience, because for a moment, as short as it was, it made me understand what makes people want to date another person. But I doubt something like that will happen again.

 

Yes, you are making perfect sense. That would make me grey-romantic who experiences romantic attraction very fleetingly. But still I hesitate to put a label on it because it was so short. If it would have lasted longer, I would of definitely called it romantic attraction. I asked on another forum, some people said it was squish. Whatever it was, it's been the closet I've come to feeling romantic attraction.

All I know If I ever feel those feelings for a person (over an extended period of time) again, and they asked me out, I would not hesitate to say no or feel guilty about. And if I don't, I can't really worry about it because there is nothing I can do.

 

Yes she wasn't around afterwards, but I saw her again, a year later and I had no feeling towards her at all.

She never stood out from any other teachers. She taught me for three years and in that time I just really enjoyed chatting to her. I also admired her for her dedication to her work. From that stance the whole situation was odd. I think it most likely was the excitement of speaking to her again after so long.

Liking particular women... I don't think I like women. Those bi curious feeling that I have are just fantasy. I think I would have known and felt it by now if that was the case. But if it ever happens again, which I'm 99.99% sure it won't, then I've given myself permission to panic.

Thanks for your kind words.

Truth is I've already been to a counselor; it was to do to with anxiety related stuff. After two months I stopped it since I felt my thoughts were mostly sorted out. In terms of relationships, all I touched on was “I would like one but I know it will never happen." I do regret not telling her about being an aromantic asexual. It would of been interesting to see her response. So yeah, I would end up feeling bad going back just for that.

 

But you must have had some small inkling before then?

 

That has never been like that for me. I never really checked out girls.

If I were romantically attracted to a person I wouldn't mind the romance. I'm not 100% sure, but something tells me I wouldn't mind having sex either.

When I think about it logically,the one huge turn off for me is being bound to one person for the rest of your life, always having to consider the other person in everything you do and the fact that you can't just shut them out for a week or two if you have had enough of them. In that sense a platonic partner would be perfect for me.

I know I need to do that. It is stupid that I worry so much about something that I cannot change. I should be enjoying my life not wasting it on worry.

 

*rant*

I just feel like I'm sinking further and further into depression... And I must say I am a pathetic and selfish human being for even feeling like this. There are a lot of people who have worse problems than I. Who gets depressed over such a miniscule thing as being an aromantic asexual? Just, who? I have no reason at all to feel the way I do.

On top of things it is a blatant waste of time too. Why worry so much about something I cannot change! *blah*

 

If I’m honest there is a lot more than simply just being aromantic asexual that has really got me so upset this time, I will tell you about experiences I have had over the past 9 years, that hasn’t got to do with my current sexuality.

There is a part of me who has always wanted to be part LGBT community. Ever since watching Palex on Degressi same sex relationships have fascinated me I remember when I first saw it, I wished I could have such a personal and intimate relationship with another women, but of course I couldn't because I was straight (before I identified as asexual.)

From there on I had this obsession with the lgbt community, specifically same sex relationships (which have come and gone over the last nine years.) I would spend hours looking at stuff related the lgbt community - coming out videos, websites ( my friend went through my history and saw it - I couldn't explain to him why I liked looking at it), watching the l word, DEBS, But I'm a cheerleader etc.. Even in the last year or so I've been lurking around LCHAT (lesbian forum - very unique at that.) And reading slash fiction from shows which I am not that into just because it is good slash fiction (I’m very weird like that) And it does not end there.

Anyways I remember my aunt and I were in Vienna (two years ago) and I don't know why but she pointed out that there was a community centre for lgbt youth and all I could think of was "OMG really?" then every time we walk passed I would look at it. Same thing was the at the job agency that I went to. There was a flyer advertising an lgbt youth group here is me thinking "imagine going to that." Why would I want to? I really do not know.

I've also had theses little weird experiences too


I don't think I will even mention this HOCD stuff that happened at 14 years... which happened long before I knew what homosexuality was and identified as an asexual aromantic.

• There was this one time in high school, theses girls were chatting in derogatory manner about how "theses two girls were making out behind the school" in the "why would you want ever do that" sort of manner. I felt a twinge of sadness, almost hurt.
  
• I was at the train station and my friend was talking about wanting to date again, and she said something about dating my brother and immediately thought “or you could just date me." However I think that it was my bi curiosity coming out, since I had no feeling towards her at all.
  
• Again that teacher, even if it was short lived, (I kinda of squished it - she was about 35 years older than me...yeah) and the way she made me feel. One of my first thoughts was this is a bit far from bi curious land, because I must admit if I had those types of feelings for a guys, I would have dated guys a long time ago Then again I think it was just excitement in seeing her again.
  
• My brother had a girlfriend and I though gee if only I was a guy than it would be more acceptable to date women to see if that is what I wanted or not.
  
• I remember my mother saying maybe i should get girlfriend, in the friend type of way. I almost wanted to say what you mean girlfriend, until I realized what she meant.

Anyways I've had other periods when I was down about being aromantic but it was more so about not having a romantic relationship in general. The latest period of sadness of depresstion with my aromantacis steamed from the video "ed sheeran give me love." video. The video is about Cupid walking around, making people fall in love with each other. Men/Women. Women/Women, Men/Men, but she personally can't because she had a job to do. Until the end when she shoots herself with an arrow (so she can fall in love) and wakes up at the end to see her true love. I really identified with the video everyone around me is experiencing relationships but I can't.

I watched the women kissing in the video about a million times (something about two women together, the passion, I loved it.) Than I started to feel really sad because I knew I could never feel that since I am aromantic. Still it got me fantasizing about what could be - kissing another women passionately, being asked out by a women that I like, going out on a first etc.. I also recently watched Swedish movie called "Kiss Me" there was a few sex scenes and for the first time I wondered what it would be like to have sex with a women.

I did myself no favors coming onto EC and posting about my HOCD story. The responses to my tale, suddenly put me into this intense question phrase because how dare someone suggest that “I am gay, when I am not!” Yes that sounds very homophobic.

The short of it is my preoccupation with the lgbt community and same sex fantasies need to stop. It isn't helping my acceptance of being an aromantic asexual at all:tears:. IMO I'm just in love with the idea of being with another woman because that means I am not an aromantic and that is a stupid reason. The reality is I have not experienced romantic or sexual attraction to another women at all agro I can’t possibly be gay. Most women on here always have had an inkling of being attracted to the same sex – I’ve never had that. They don't do anything for me, I don't ogle them either, and I can't see myself with same sex partner ever, it wouldn't feel right . I've really thought about it and their isn't a women that I've ever wanted to be with. And yet my mind keeps cruelly torturing with this fantasy, even those I am aromantic and asexual *gah* It's not fair!




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I want to apologize length and spelling mistakes. I hope that make sense.

I was thinking about posting this post into a new thread of it's own? Would that be a good idea?

 

Or the simple answer is - I am gay. And that makes me feel sick inside. And that sucks because I consider myself accepting of all orientations.

But then again my mind goes back the huge issue of not experiencing romantic / sexual attraction to the same sex at ALL. How can I be gay if I don't see females in that way? At most I would be considered bi curious.