Hi! I'm not actually sure about my sexuality and I've been getting more and more unsure over the course of the year. I'm a 19 year old girl in my 1st year of uni and I've only ever been sexually attracted to girls and not guys (in fantasizing etc.). When I was younger I saw myself as straight - since my feelings for girls were then purely physical not romantic (I had crushes solely on boys), and I couldn't imagine myself having a relationship with a girl, plus I was also really upset and worried about the thought that I could be gay. Last year I started to realise I could imagine a romantic relationship with a girl, at about the same time as I found more positive things about being gay and I came out to myself as gay. But, I don't know if that fits because I've had feelings for guys, like finding a boy handsome and getting that excited feeling, so I've been thinking of myself as bi or pan, or homosexual biromantic/panromantic. That would be fine, but I'm worried I'm not actually able to fall for girls at all. I don't know if I really have crushes on girls the same way. I also kinda feel whenever I feel I have feelings for a girl, I'm just making it up so I can convince myself I'm bi/pan - which sounds weird? It's because I'm partly afraid about the fact that my sexual and romantic attraction seem to be un-matched with each other, that it'll be hard for me to have a relationship (because though I get crushes on men, I'm not sure I'd like to even kiss one, and I don't know if I'll end up being able to enjoy having sex with a man, and although I get physically attracted to women, I'm unsure if I'm actually romantically attracted; there's a girl right now that I admire a lot, and I get really happy when I see her and think she is beautiful. But it's not the feeling as with guys, like where my heart beats faster, or getting that feeling in your gut?). I'm also constantly second guessing myself since I worry I just want to be bi or gay because I want to keep that sense of identity and pride I felt when I first accepted my feelings for girls, and that I just want attention. I feel really bad/foolish sometimes, feeling that I might just be being attention seeking, because that would be really appropriative of Gay/bi people's identity. Also, the feeling of being homosexual and bi or hetero-romantic isn't to do with me trying to deny being gay at all, like I could accept being gay or bi wholeheartedly. Anyway, the reason I got to the point of feeling I had to make this post is that my friend is really homophobic. I don't blame her for this because she was brought up in a very homophobic country for all her life, but it does hurt my feelings and makes me a bit angry with her. I haven't told her about my confusion at all. And - she and another friend have asked me if I want to live with them next year, and I want to, but I'm really anxious because I feel even more like I'm being unfair to her by not telling her. This is a bit silly since I don't feel like anyone should feel at all obligated to tell anyone their sexuality/identity. But I keep worrying about it, especially since we're going to be living together and will therefore be even closer, as I keep feeling like she'll feel upset/betrayed if I tell her after being friends for quite a while. Also I don't want to move in with her then eventually if I became clearer on my sexuality tell her, then it become really awkward or if she found out (because I've told a few people who we both know). And I don't want to come out as bi or any other label if it turns out I'm actually straight in the end, because it might be all that for nothing. To be honest, if I wasn't worrying about her, I probably wouldn't be worrying about what label to attach to my sexuality quite so much. I also feel really comfortable thinking of myself as 'queer' for a lot of reasons (although I'm not sure about whether I'm right to reclaim that term, as a woman?). It's especially hard for me to tell her & my other friend, because I've been really lonely for a long time. I lost a lot of confidence when I a younger teenager and lost my friends because I became extremely shy, and was struggling with certain things. These two people who asked me to move in are the first people I could call close friends rather than friendly acquaintances, outside of the internet, for a long time, and I'm really scared of losing them. I'm sorry for writing so much D: I feel like I packed all my worries and confusion into one post and I tend to overthink. Please don't feel obligated to reply to everything or reply at all!
I don't even know what to say, but if you two are very close then she'll have to know eventually. It killed me that nobody knew about me being homosexual. Luckily for me though my friends are strongly pro-LGBT. Just know that you have support, and I hope that your family supports you as well.~ <3
Hey, thanks so much for the response. It felt better already to hear someone saying they supported me . I hope it will be fine, and I think I will be able to talk about it with her, for better or worse. Yeah I just think, if we're friends for a long time, then I can't (and don't want to) hide if I end up having a girlfriend. So it's better to be open sooner rather than later. It's good to hear your friends are supportive! And congrats on coming out to them. That's really really great. Thank you <3!
Hi, I'm going to reply to the first part because I can identify with it so much! I'm really sorry about your homophobic friends but I don't really have advice to give on that subject other than hang in there and do what feels right. I was really excited to read your post because it sounds just like what I went through a little less than a year ago. I'm a 20 year old girl, who came out as bi to her close friends throughout my second & beginning of third year of college. I went from thinking I was bi and mostly liking boys to thinking I was bi and equally attracted to both and now I think I'm bi and mostly liking girls. However, like you, I don't feel like I should call myself gay because I've had crushes and am physically attracted to guys. I say if you're comfortable with the label queer, go for it, I know plenty of women who refer to themselves at queer. Anyway, I also sometimes worry about being happy in a relationship because of having different wants from men and women (mine are the opposite, I'm more romantically into girls and physically into guys). My best friend, who knows all about these preferences of mine, once told me, "I know it sucks but you might have to compromise." I think that's the thing I've been (and you sound like you are) afraid of. However, I do have some words of comfort. Right now, I have a massive crush on this girl, not saying anything's even going to happen, but just having this crush made me realize something. If you'd just showed me a picture of this girl and a picture of a really hot guy, I'd definitely say I was more attracted to the guy. However, now that I have such strong as you put heart-beating faster, gut feelings for her, the physical attraction has appeared simply because I want so badly to be close to her. I think either, that will happen to you when you fall for a guy, the attraction will build based on your romantic interest, or in the reverse, if you're really physically attracted to a girl, that curiosity to be with her might bring up romantic feelings. Anyway, I hope some of what I said makes sense and is helpful but I do want to thank you because it's comforting to hear about someone worrying and overanalyzing everything just as much as I do and it was nice to reflect on all this.
Hi! Oh wow, thank you for posting I'm happy I'm not alone in this. That's ok. I'm not sure what advice I'd give to myself either, so don't worry. It's good to hear you came to a bit of a start of a conclusion to your worries. That really does mirror me in reverse - I thought I was bi but mostly liked girls, then thinking it was mostly boys. And now I'm not sure. That's it exactly - and I don't like the idea that I'd have to compromise on something like love. Although I don't want to suggest that for example people can't have a romantic relationship without the physical side, for example asexual romantic people. But for me personally, both sides are important. I think. I suppose that feeling actually might change though. Wow, that is great. So physical feelings developed because of the emotional feelings? I suppose that's sort of like being demisexual - because you love someone, you feel that physical attraction. That is comforting, actually, and it helps just to have someone say something sensible and have the same problem, rather than me just analysing it to death. I think I also prefer the idea of having a girlfriend because I'm kind of scared of/nervous around men (which is maybe silly - I'm not sure why I am). Anyway, I definitely will try to think more openly and not worry about it so much. Thank you!
