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My Story...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MattGuy, Jan 17, 2013.

  1. MattGuy

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    So I just joined this forum and I'd like to share my story and see what people think. I'll try not to make it too long.

    I guess I have always been somewhat confused about my sexuality - and I think throughout the years I've managed to make that confusion worse.

    When I was younger I was just your typical horny teenager. Masturbating to the thought of mostly girls, but occasionally thinking about my male peers.

    I've only ever had one long term relationship and it was with a girl. This was when I was 18-19. I was very much in love with her and when we broke up it left me heartbroken for years (made worse by the fact I was still connected to her for a prolonged period of time by proximity). During this time I never really explored my sexuality or attempted to meet other people, all my college years basically.

    Since I haven't spent much of my life exploring relationships and sexuality I put all my focus into school and work and friends I'm a fairly successful young professional now.

    A couple of years ago I had a quick sexual fling with a girl that was fun while it lasted, although I was drunk most of the times we got together so it wasn't memorable. I also shortly dated another girl who I really liked on an emotional level and was excited about, but we never did anything too sexual and she went crazy on me and disappeared. But I am not a guy who can just go up to someone I'm interested in and introduce myself.

    Meanwhile. I have been watching mostly gay porn for several years. I don't watch it exclusively, but it turns me on more than other porn usually. When I was much younger I remember only watching straight porn, but I don't recall when I made the switch or why or whether I was more focused on the man or woman at the time. Gay porn has been my almost exclusive sexual outlet for some time - on nearly a nightly basis. Occasionally I still get the urge to watch a female masturbate in porn or watch straight porn and even fantasize about females.

    In real life though. I would always catch myself looking at guys and kind of ignoring women. I would get turned on seeing male friends getting changed, etc. I also feel like I have a complete mental block to even looking at a women and evaluating if she is attractive or not - like I'm frightened of them - as if it's not that I'm looking at them and then evaluation my attraction, it's that I don't even allow myself to think about them that way. I would always want to fool around with a guy, just to see what it was like. I was unaware if all this was because I was attracted to them, or if all the gay porn I had been watching attracted me to them - some kind of fetish or major curiosity. I am sometimes, but definitely not always, attracted to my male best friend (who I suspect may be closeted and will probably NEVER come out - he sleeps with a lot of women) and I've been worried I might be in love with him. But we hang out A LOT and it could just be a co-dependency thing.

    Well this all changed in the last couple weeks. I basically had a complete mental breakdown regarding just about every aspect of my life. I admitted to my best female friend that I might be gay and even told my mom that I think I might be (neither cared and support me either way). But I'm still not totally sure. I ended up seeking out a gay guy on a meetup site and talked to him for a bit. Well I hooked up with him a few nights ago and it was .... not what I imagined. I don't know if that is because I was scared s***less the entire time (I couldn't even get off, but I sort of enjoyed when he did) or because it just wasn't that great. There were moments I got way into it (we were together for a couple hours just fooling around/talking/cuddling - he was a very sweet guy) but at other times I thought "what am I doing!?". I even thought for a couple moments how I wished I was with a girl. It certainly did not live up to my long held 'fetishes' from seeing gay porn and I'm just not sure how I feel about the whole experience. Needless to say, I still want to meet up with him again...but I want to be careful not to use him either...he was very nice and I can't see myself in a relationship at the moment.

    After that whole experience though I found myself looking at and thinking about women more too in the last few days. Thinking about what it would feel like to be with one again and wanting to be with one. The thought of it excites me. It's just kind of weird.

    I've read a bit about how watching porn can re-wire your brain to a point and change what sexually stimulates you. I've decided to stop watching any porn and seeing what happens. I think it is clouding my judgement one way or another.

    I'm just very, very confused. I just want to know what I am. The last couple years of my life have flown by because I've ignored this very basic aspect of myself and it makes me very sad. I've suppressed so much - I can't even think back to what I felt when I was younger because I have suppressed it so far I don't know where to find it. I'll admit I do have a secret hope that I'm really straight because that's the whole life I always envisioned, but I'm trying not to let that influence me too much. I've put this off far too long and although I'm not 'old' - I know I'm not super young either. If I act now I know I have plenty of time to figure this out and build the life I want for myself. I just started seeing a therapist for my social anxiety, which I think holds me back more than I care to imagine and plan to talk to her about my sexuality as well.

    Thanks for reading. I needed to put this all into writing. I'd really appreciate any advice or insight anyone has - something. anything. Feel free to ask any questions. Maybe someone out there is in the same situation?
     
  2. Crazyguy

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    Welcome to EC Mattguy. The confusion you describe is what I went through before coming to terms with being bisexual. Sometimes I would think I was gay other times I thought I was straight. It seems stupid when I look back on it now as it was obvious I was bi but I just didn't recognize it.

    Don't try to force yourself in to a label quickly. Take your time and enjoy the journey to self discovery. I think it is great that you are seeing someone about your social anxiety and it sounds like an excellent opportunity to discuss your confusion with your sexuality with someone.

    You'll find plenty of friendly and helpful people here. Many of us go through a state of confusion until we come to terms with our sexuality so you.are not alone.
     
  3. PeteNJ

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    Mattguy, no problem to be unsure or confused. You've come a long way in learning about and exploring your sexuality.

    Sounds like there is a lot of stuff in your life that you're kind of numb about? I think that's no unusual when you're trying to suppress something, like something about your sexuality.

    Keep working on yourself. I'd strongly recommend you seek out a gay men's group. Listen to the things they're talking about and experiencing -- you'll realize that people are all over the place in figuring themselves out.

    Peace -- Pete
     
  4. GreenT

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    I, sort of, can relate to you. I often wonder (more often now) about women and being with one. I mean, originally I guess I was straight, but then my bestfriend who I had dated at an early age told me she was lesbian and I assume because she was okay with telling me everything about her being one that being gay was okay and I sort of feel like she influenced me a lot. I became (or rather realized I was) gay about a year after I found out she was.

    Years later however, I feel a certain, mystery(?), about women. There are actual a few I really connected with. At first I thought so in ways of being friends, but over the years I feel like I've started to become attracted to them. I'm really in a little confused state over it, but I don't worry about it all that much.

    As for you, I think you just need to relax and take it in stride. If you dig a girl, go for it. If you dig a guy, go for it. You could be bisexual then. My theory on sexuality is that it can change, because at times we question ourselves until we come to a comfortable decision as to what we are, or discover what we truly are.
     
  5. MattGuy

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    Thanks for the replys. I realize I'm writing this a week after my initial post - I've been very busy with work.

    PeteNJ, yes I do think I am very numb about a lot of things in my life. I'm not sure if that is directly related to sexuality or not, but it's there and I notice it. The numbness might actually be a general withdrawl from reality I have because I often get anxiety in social situations and it's just a way to cope. Really, the 'numbness' might actually be leading to the confusion I have about my sexuality. We'll see. I'm starting to become much more proactive in figuring out my life and realize this reality disconnect is very damaging.

    GreenT, I get exactly what you are saying. I'm kind of the same way with women.

    I don't really ever see a women and feel an immediate sexual attraction to them, but when I'm talking to one and she is interesting and pretty and has a nice body I get this emotional excitement that I just want to spend more time with her (and yes, I do get physically attracted if I'm in close proximity with a woman I know is also interested - but I also have a great fear of physical intimacy that has grown over time so I really avoid the situation when a woman comes onto me). I'm very much attracted to many things about women, their feminine features, their long hair, their soft bodies, their voices - but I wouldn't necessarily call it an overt sexual attraction. I remember only having major crushes on girls when I was very young, not guys - although I did fantasize about guys sexually. Not sure if that's relevant or not. With guys, I am very attracted to them physically and often catch myself looking at an attractive man, but I've never met a guy where I've gotten that same kind of excitement about just spending time with them (the thrill of the chase you could say). That could be all because I've never viewed having that kind of relationship with a guy as a possibility before. I'm not sure.

    I think my sexual and emotional intimacy inexperience (for my age) is really a major contributor to my confusion. It's just something I've finally realized. I just haven't placed much importance on those kinds of relationships in my life up until now. I wish I could go back and do things over and by this point in my life I would know. I can only go forward from here with a more open mind - and it will hopefully take less time to figure things out than I think it will...

    Several of my friends now know that I'm 'bi-curious', including my straight best guy friend and my mom. Nobody seems to care - which is awesome and makes me feel much better about myself. Still just as confused, but not as scared. I know telling people wasn't/isn't necessary at this stage, but I don't think I'd feel free to be as open to myself as I am trying to be without it. The biggest hurdle to me is envisioning my future and coming to terms that the 'wife and kids' societal ideal may or may not happen. Nobody knows where life will take them right?
     
    #5 MattGuy, Jan 25, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2013
  6. Gen

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    When I read what you have written, I get a strong sense that you admire the beauty of women. "Long hair, soft bodies, voices, femininity", as common characterists of women, but in reality they are just that, characteristics. (Granted, these are characteristics that men can have aswell. Though the long hair isnt as common lol). The point that I'm trying to make is that characteristics are feeble. They overlap into many different categories and types of people. You have to ask yourself, "Do I like, Do I want to be with women." Take away the desire for a "wife and kids", because I can assure you, you can still have a family. Take away anything that you may want to see or what others may want to see. What do you really want?

    A scenario that I have found to help people is; Do you think you would be happier in a world where men were expected to be with women or men? Deep down inside, we all know who we want to be with. We just have to dig through the "Desires of others", the "Expectations of Society", etc.
     
  7. MattGuy

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    Gen, you may be right. I don't know at this point. The one and only time I was with a guy, just recently I thought would affirm things for me more. It left me more confused. I was attracted to him, but at the same time there was a very intense thought I had just for a moment wishing it was a beautiful naked women in front of me that I could enjoy. Was this just curiosity? Was it what I actually want? Or just a vision of what I wish I want? Who knows.. I've got a long way to go in figuring this out.
     
    #7 MattGuy, Jan 25, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2013
  8. thekspot

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    Hi I just read your initial post (I am new here too) hope the forum is helping you.

    It seems that you were quite nervous when you met up with this male friend of yours. I was as well when I first met with someone. It is quite normal, and maybe that nervousness prevented you from being able to enjoy yourself fully.

    As many people have said on here, there is no problem to admit that you are a bit confused of unsure, plenty of us are and we all have points where we get confused. I would suggest you try to relax a bit more instead of making yourself choose between guys and girls.
     
  9. toaster

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    You don't need to figure out at this instant. Sexuality is not a yes or no question. You can walk between both, and ponder what you like as long as you like, the important thing is that go after what you feel is right. I reckon the gay experience you have put you off because you're not connected with him emotionally. The fling is restricted in a bedroom settings, you never get to know him in person outside of the bedroom.

    Hope everything works out for you.