1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Do I think I'm gay or am I really??

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jman960, Jan 18, 2013.

  1. Jman960

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2012
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I've recently "come out" to my immediate family (mom and sister) and most of my friends. I have one gay friend at work (had intimate relations with once), but other than him that's all I have. I have been to the gay bar around me three times now and every time I absolutely loved it! But something else is bothering me and I don't know if this is a time issue or me issue.

    Being surrounded by my friends when out or doing something (they're all excited for me) I find it hard to say the things I want. I don't know if it's because I still feel "programmed" to say "oh, she's hot" instead of "damn boi!". I thought by now seeing as i'm over my co-worker and am ok watching Magic Mike in front of my roommate, that it would all just come to me naturally. I almost feel like I am fighting it. The movie sucked, the guys were hot don't get me wrong, but I thought i'd enjoy it more. I'm not looking at guys as much as I thought i'd be. I was excited for the chance to check guys out in public and if someone caught me, it'd be ok. For some reason, i'm back to questioning all over again. Now i'm wondering if I should have said anything at all....:bang:

    Thoughts? Anyone else go through this??
     
  2. skiff

    skiff Guest

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2013
    Messages:
    2,432
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Peabody, MA - USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi,

    How we think things will be rarely meet reality.

    Does society pressure straight males to behave to certain expectations or can straight males ogle, stare, whistle and cat call woman without people forming low opinions of them for doing it? Society has rules whether gay or straight and they do not evaporate when you come out of the closet.

    All the rules of polite public behaviour are still there even though you are out.

    Nothing wrong with you.

    Stuck
     
  3. Trailblazer

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2010
    Messages:
    133
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ontario
    What exactly are you questioning? That you should have came out or your sexuality in general? I don't think you have to worry about being gay or not, and its not a big deal if you don't think you notice guys on the street much more than you did before you came out. Your preferences probably haven't changed too drastically since coming out, your just still needing some time to be more comfortable about it around your friends, which is fine too. It doesn't sound like you are worry too much about how people reacted when you came out either, so just from what you said I think you just need to lighten up a little about it all and just enjoy yourself.
     
  4. TheSeeker

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2012
    Messages:
    493
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Up on the Canadian Border in the Rain...
    You don't have to behave a certain way to be gay. Riddle me this: How many types of straight people are there and do they all behave the same way?
     
  5. Naomilly92

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2012
    Messages:
    286
    Likes Received:
    0
    Maybe try and meet some gay people who you can relate to more
     
  6. Jman960

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2012
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I guess I just thought by now i'd be more comfortable/apt to do it in public. But now that i'm becoming ok with it, it's not happening and it's confusing me. I don't know if maybe it's bisexuality or because i'm rushing things (not a very patient person with myself). For some reason I was/am comfortable telling people mostly because every time I have gotten a positive reaction. I find myself regretting telling people because i'm not ready to be completely out nor am I completely sure.

    I just find myself still on an emotional rollercoaster. I'm almost completely over my first guy (co-worker) but I find myself reverting back to him. I won't llisten to a certain song, or say something, or think a certain way because I feel like he might not like it, or talk like that. I for some reason try to make him like me like I still have a chance, even though he told me he slept with me out of "curiosity". I guess i'm trying to change myself for someone even though it's a waste of time..

    I have gone out, and I enjoyed it. I'm having trouble meeting other gay/bi people in my area because even though my friends are here for me, they don't understand :/
     
  7. Kenaz

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2013
    Messages:
    151
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I went through the same thing. When I came out I felt like I had to establish myself as a gay person, so to speak. After some time, though, I realized that I didn't have to *do* anything to be gay. I was all along, I just accepted who I was and didn't hide it from others anymore.

    It is a hunch of mine that a lot of people act "gay" (stereotypically) because they think they have to do that. Being gay is nothing more than liking the same sex, the rest is just extra and up to the individual.
     
  8. Naomilly92

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2012
    Messages:
    286
    Likes Received:
    0
    I know exactly how you feel. Try looking for an lgbt social/youth group in your area. Trust me, it really helps having friends that you can relate to, I joined one and it's changed my life
     
  9. Jman960

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2012
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I have thought the same about people acting gay because they feel they have to. It's almost like now that it's becoming ok, i'm turned off by it? I'm still just really confused and was doing good for a while. I'm starting to sink back into that dark hole again and am trying to figure out why. There's a lot of outside factors like my living situation, my job, and some friends...but I was able to handle all of those alone.

    I tried looking for an lgbt group in my area and came up shorthanded. The only meetings that I have come across all meet during normal business hours, and that's right in the middle of my shift. I joined an online dating website SPECIFICALLY looking for friends/someone to talk to. That's about as far as i've gotten, but am so unsure of the next step.
     
  10. remainnameless

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2013
    Messages:
    427
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    So true, I have always had that same "hunch".

    You've just got to throw yourself out there and meet other gays. You should definitely know by then if you are gay or not.
     
  11. Kenaz

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2013
    Messages:
    151
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Jman960,

    What do you mean specifically when you say that you are "starting to sink back into that *dark hole*"?

    I share your sentiment that it is nice to have an organization or a group of people you can relate to and *just talk to*. I have found that searching for this medium via things such as mobile phone apps, gay clubs/bars, and the like have been largely unhelpful. The general sense of these things attracts people to use it merely as a source to meet someone for sex or less-than-desirable levels of companionship. I was reading the thread on Empty Closets about finding a relationship, and some of the advice it gave, which I felt was true looking at my experiences, to focus on just meeting new people. That relationships are not going to solve our problems, we need to learn to love ourselves and find people who enjoy your company as well as us enjoying theirs. If things naturally develop beyond friendship into a deeper relationship, then so be it!

    So where do we go when we realize that these sources are not for us, and there are no visible or known groups for mere support and being around similar people? This is where I find myself as well. One thing I plan to do is begin to organize my own, using the former mediums of the clubs, mobile phone apps, whatever sort of expression the local gay community uses; and begin to find others like me who are looking for such a thing and start it!

    On any account, I would say, please just learn to love yourself. Being gay isn't even a big deal, yet we make it out to be. We simply are attracted to the same sex, both, or whatever concoction we have arrived at. We are just accepting it and no longer restricting an element of our identity. Go out, have fun, meet new people, and do not be afraid to love who you love! It's truly that simple, don't make it so hard, although we are all guilty of it. It's a process.

    "Do not chase people. Be you and do your own thing and work hard. The right people who belong in your life will come to you and stay." -Wu Tang
     
  12. Jman960

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2012
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    A few people
    What I mean by *sinking* is becoming overly depressed about the whole situation. I'm unhappy with a lot of things in my life and this new year i'm trying to make the changes I want. This was not one of those things but now it's presented itself and I just feel lost. I have tried to convince myself that I am over someone, but its not 100% and it NEEDS to be. I've been patient and am trying to learn to keep moving forward but am having a difficult time. The local gay bar that i've been to i've gone with friends and had fun. I felt so comfortable there, but did not talk to anybody outside my group of people. I'm not the kind of person that approaches other people to strike up a conversation. The worst part is I work with this guy and see him all the time. I'm constantly trying to be his friend, and i'm trying to see past the truth which is friendship obligation.

    I'm planning on moving far out of state this year, I think that's the fresh start that I need. I just don't know if I can wait long enough for it (August). I just thought since I convinced myself I was over him that being openly attracted to men would come easier and be ok and it's not and it's making me re-question everything. It's been 3 months. I've given it time, I don't know how much longer I can give it before I have a complete mental breakdown :tears:
     
  13. Caleb93

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2013
    Messages:
    138
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ohia
    I wouldn't worry too much about trying to put a label on yourself. If you're attracted to a guy, then you're attracted to him. And you don't need to act a certain way to satisfy your friends' idea of how a gay person should act. Being gay doesn't mean you have to comment on every guy you see. Just be yourself and act the way you feel comfortable.