Male, 24 and still in the closet - let me out of it! :(

I don't really know what to say, I was fairly an outcast in school so didn't try to come out at all since it would make people look at me even more off than they did. Did your family react bad when your brother came out or something? Or is it the idea that you are their last hope to have a straight son and grandchildren? At least you know you'll always have your brother.

 

I understand how you feel about your family. I am an only child (ok I'm nearly 25 now...) and recently started to realise I might be gay (it wasn't an obvious thing to me, having been in a hetero relationship for 8 years).

But my parents until I told them, expected to have grandchildren soon I think (my parents are quite old to be parents to a 25 year old too) and now they realise that may be more difficult. The fact that I might soon be single, never mind the rest!

 

Sounds like a solid idea, and I'm glad you came out of a rough patch of your life better than ever. I'm sure your parents would be fine with you coming out to them too, if they were alright with your brother. He tested the waters for you lol.

 

Hi,

Can yo talk to your brother? He knows the dynamics in your family from the gay standpoint.

You are the oldest? Expect for oldest child issues to be evident.

You are a parent pleaser by birth order.

Stuck

 

Advice from a gay guy who's old enough to be your dad and who made the wrong choice at your age:

Summon the inner strength to face who you are, admit it and live authentically. Come out.

In my case, I kept denying and denying and finally got married to a wonderful girl who wanted nothing more than to be a good wife and a great mother. Nineteen years later, she is facing something she didn't deserve. Our young daughters are facing upheaval at the possibility that their parents may split up.

Look around on this board. There are countless stories of gay guys who didn't want to admit being gay, got married and then it all came to a head years and years later.

That's my singular piece of advice to you - be yourself now.

 

If your parents were accepting to your gay brother, why do you think it would ruin your relationship with them beyond repair?

 

Well, I can't exactly relate to most of this, but I can a little bit. I was totally thrown for a loop when my older (I have a ton of siblings technically but my mom only has had 2 kids, the rest are step and half siblings) when my older brother admitted same-sex attractions. (by the way, i'm gay too of course) My parents reacted the way I would expect of course, by being disgusted and trying to get him christian counseling. So now I'm super scared to come out because my mothers 2 only sons are actually both gay, and when she finds out she may just lose her marbles. She thinks it's just a giant phase anyways.

Wow, sorry I went on my own personal rant there! My point is, I understand and I hope when you do come out that everything goes well for you and the reactions are positive

 

Whereas i am an only child so i cant fully appreciate how you feel with having a gay brother, i do understand how it feels to have all of your parents hopes pressured on you. Its been so long in the closet now that its almost natural to talk about women i fancy or my type of girl, but in the same breath explain how i dont want a relationship and thats why im still single.

I've never really struggled with whether i'm gay, straight, bi, pan or whatever. I've always known i was gay, i just didnt like it. I can't really offer any advice for your questioning other than dont limit yourself, if you have feelings for guys then so be it, but if you have feelings for girls then pursue it. One thing i learnt on EC is that sexuality is complicated, its not black and white.

I think the main issue is that you have your parents pressuring you (whether they realise it or not) and that you're their last hopes for children and grandchildren. The best advice i can give you (which others have given me) is that you cant live your life for your parents. You're deserving of happiness too.

I know its harder than it sounds, so if you need to chat, feel free to post on my wall.

 

I made the mistake of not coming out at ur age . I went and got married and no almost 19 yrs later im getting divorced .if I could go back I would have made a better choice.its hard but you do have your brother .

 

A lot of people would say sexuality is fluid. I personally believe you can fall for anyone, but if your preference of guys to girls is something like 90-10, then it's probably safe to say, by society's standards, you're gay.

I came out to my mother as bi at first, because I still did have some feelings towards men. This summer she saw me with my rainbow bracelet and knew.

You could start wearing 'gay pride' jewelry, or tell your family that you like men, without putting on a particular label. My advice is to break it down slowly and not to large groups of people at once. I hope it doesn't come down to it, but you may have to defend your sexuality.

"How do you know?" and "It could be just a phase." may pop up.

Anyways, good luck!

 

Hi Dans le placard

As an older guy who is now struggling with coming to terms with the fact that I’m gay and married I would echo the comments of Dave1965 and try and live your life authentically instead of storing up problems for yourself in the future. For me the struggle to come out is now so great that it’s interfering with my thinking ability to do my job, and if you are starting down a new career path as a teacher you don’t want this issue gnawing away at you as you try to study.

If your parents were hoping for grandkids several TV shows of late i.e. “Threesome” and “The New Normal” show gay guys with kids, perhaps you could engineer a situation where your parents get to see the shows. Possibly you could mention in relation to your younger brother that you had seen them advertised in the Radio Times. My wife thinks they are funny and is completely accepting of the situation on TV at least.

Why don’t you treat yourself to a date with a guy,or if you can't summon up the courage to tell at least one person you are gay/bi perhaps visit one of the saunas in Manchester to see how comfortable you feel around other guys (just go and sit in the steam room or jackusi and watch you don't have to do any thing with a guy, and if you do play safe) to try and clarify your feelings before coming out, and as you say Manchester is a great place to be gay!

Sale Gay Guy

 

Again, I made the wrong decision at your age (though I didn't marry, have a girlfriend, or anything like that....I just completely repressed my sexuality, and it's finally coming to a head).

I always knew I was gay - in fact, I distinctly remember a time when I was 20 or 21 that I was in my doctor's office for a physical, and the doctor asked me about my sexuality, and my reply was "I'm not sexually active, therefore I don't see the relevance of the question". She proceeded to press, and I told her that I was straight. One of many times that I've lied to myself and others.

The only advice that I can give is to come out, live authentically to yourself, and try to find someone (which it sounds like you won't have a problem doing if you just admit to yourself what the situation is - and that's the hardest part).

 

Sounds like you're in a good place to come out about your sexuality. I'm in the process of coming out and finding that hanging with other gay men at gay pride/ lgbt support groups has been great in gaining confidence and comfort accepting myself. You may find something similar that's helpful.

Wish you well, keep posting!

Peace