Hey there, I've tried being with a guy for a second time. We went to a restaurant with some good beers and chatted for a bit. The conversation was enjoyable and awkward at points. We went back to his place and I tried a couple things to see what it would be like. We started making out and we both did oral on each other. At one point I came close to cumming when he was going down on me, I started jerking him off and that's when I lost my erection. In my head, sometimes gay thoughts turn me on, but when I try to play them out it doesn't seem like what I had imagined. The kissing was alright but I didn't feel a lot of passion. Right now I'm trying to figure out if I'm just not ready for this sort of thing, or if I'm not into it. I'm still talking to my ex and I miss her a lot. I've been talking to her about this stuff and she's been great and open minded. Part of me wants to be with her again, but fears that I could end up hurting her if I don't sort myself out completely. I thought maybe dating guys and girls for a bit might help things...not too sure.
This is one of the reasons I find that "experimenting" in this sort of situation isn't often a very good way of figuring out where you stand. I think your instinct is correct; you probably just aren't ready. You may well be bi, but you also may be gay but honestly scared to death (at an unconscious level) of really accepting that and "closing the door" to being straight and accepting the loss that comes with that. So much of sex -- erections and orgasm -- are tied into your emotional and mental state. Plenty of straight guys go limp with a hot girl if they just don't feel comfortable in the situation. It has nothing to do with their sexual orientation, it's just the interplay between conscious and unconscious. And the same is true for gay guys, only there's often even more emotion involved in resisting the idea that you might be gay. So, for example, getting a blowjob might feel great and you might be fine with it... but when you suddenly start fondling another guy's dick, your unconsious goes "Oh fuck! Can't do this! It makes me gay!" and your erection... evaporates. So I think your best bet is to work on yourself and your feelings. One of the suggestions Lex gives a lot is to "try out" in your own mind being gay for a day or two... give yourself permission to look at guys and be excited by them and be OK with it. Watch gay porn. Masturbate without porn and think about guys. Imagine that you're gay. Then, for the next two days, do the exact same thing, only give yourself permission to be totally straight and act that way. Usually within a day or two, that exercise starts to make it really clear where your true attraction and orientation lies. This doesn't mean you'll be happy with the answer, or comfortable with it... but you will likely know which sex you're more attracted to (or, maybe you'll find that you're attracted to both equally... but that's not as common.) Expect that if it does turn out you're more attracted to guys, your mind will still play tricks on you because almost no one *wants* to be gay at the outset... it means having to have uncomfortable conversations, coming out to people, and dealing with all the shame that society, religion and media heaps on us. But I think you'll be able to separate, if that happens, between "I don't want this, but I feel this" and "This doesn't interest me in the slightest." Let us know how it goes.
Thanks a lot for this, Chip. I've been struggling for 20 years working out the unconscious material and I'm only now just coming out. It's been a horrible struggle, but this sort of guidance is sound and wise. Thanks once again!
