I'm trying to write a letter to my parents and I need the support and guidence that only EC members can give me so far I have managed 2 lines these are I need to tell you something that I can’t tell you in person because talking about feelings is not something that I can do easily. is that a good way to start? many other letters start with how much the person loves their parents but I would be telling lies please help
That sounds like an acceptable beginning. I hate writing these things, they're horrible. Though still easier than doing it in person. As for telling them you love them, I hate to say it, but it may be best if you include it somewhere, though not at the beginning. Saying it helps reaffirm that you are still the same person as before, and it encourages them to do the same. Its just one lie, and in my opinion, an occasional lie told to make someone feel better is acceptable. But its up to you. After this, I would advise you to go on to: -Talk about your childhood experiences -Tell them you are trans -Explain what transgender is in enough detail for them to understand, but leave out ANY mentions of surgical interventions (that will come later) or anything graphic. -Give them a name and pronouns to use (and insist politely but firmly that they be used) -Link them to more information about transgender stuff and support websites for friends and family -Tell them that you love them, that you hope they still love you, and say that you're are open to any questions that they might have (Even if you don't want to be asked questions, say this. It is incredibly uncomfortable, but talking to you about it is the only way they can get past it). -Sign it as their son. Good luck
Well, while I can totally write the letter for you, for these kind of things, it is best that you write straight from your heart. Write about what you you truly feel. Pure emotions will reach and moves other people.
update I need to tell you something that I can’t tell you in person because talking about feelings is not something that I can do easily. Firstly I do not want to finish post 16, I am still enjoying it and I really do want to get good A levels. I am supposed to be male, you insist that I am going to become a woman but this isn’t going to happen. I don’t want to wear make up. I don’t want to wear dresses or skirts. I don’t even want to wear female t-shirts. I wear male clothes because I am male not just because I like the style. The first time I felt like this isn’t completely clear to me but I remember feeling uncomfortable looking at girls clothes and trying to find things that don’t look feminine then looking at boys clothing and wishing that I could wear those but I also wanted to be normal and be the little girl that you wanted. thanks for the tips I will try to follow them and hopefully things will go well I'm mostly writing on EC so I don't end up with an inconciderate and hurtful letter (im not very sympathetic/ empathetic or caring towards humans) ---------- Post added 19th Jan 2013 at 04:42 PM ---------- please do :help: second update I need to tell you something that I can’t tell you in person because talking about feelings is not something that I can do easily. Firstly I do not want to finish post 16, I am still enjoying it and I really do want to get good A levels. I am supposed to be male, you insist that I am going to become a woman but this isn’t going to happen. I don’t want to wear make up. I don’t want to wear dresses or skirts. I don’t even want to wear female t-shirts. I wear male clothes because I am male not just because I like the style. The first time I felt like this isn’t completely clear to me but I remember feeling uncomfortable looking at girls clothes and trying to find things that don’t look feminine then looking at boys clothing and wishing that I could wear those but I also wanted to be normal and be the little girl that you wanted. I have always hated my self and have wanted to change everything about myself, my hair, my height and even my gender but only recently have I realised that the last one can be done. The first time I heard the word gay, I assumed that it applied to me because I like men; I have no interest in women at all. You told us that you would kick us out if we came out as gay so I tried not to be transgender, I even wanted to be a girl when I was 12 but I believe it was out of curiosity and wanting to fit in at school. :eek:
full draft I need to tell you something that I can’t tell you in person because talking about feelings is not something that I can do easily. Firstly I do not want to finish post 16, I am still enjoying it and I really do want to get good A levels. I am supposed to be male, you insist that I am going to become a woman but this isn’t going to happen. I don’t want to wear make up. I don’t want to wear dresses or skirts. I don’t even want to wear female t-shirts. I wear male clothes because I am male not just because I like the style. The first time I felt like this isn’t completely clear to me but I remember feeling uncomfortable looking at girls clothes and trying to find things that don’t look feminine then looking at boys clothing and wishing that I could wear those but I also wanted to be normal and be the little girl that you wanted. I have always hated my self and have wanted to change everything about myself, my hair, my height and even my gender but only recently have I realised that the last one can be done. The first time I heard the word gay, I assumed that it applied to me because I like men; I have no interest in women at all. You told us that you would kick us out if we came out as gay so I tried not to be transgender; I even wanted to be a girl when I was 12 but I believe it was out of curiosity and wanting to fit in at school. I soon realised that I am not meant to be female. I want to have testosterone therapy but I thought that they only gave it in injections but this is not true there are gels or patches (like nicotine patches) but unfortunately for me there are blood tests that have to be done. I am your son and I love you just the same, I hope you still feel the same. I am not changing who I am; I am showing you who I am. There is nothing that you did to make this happen or something that I have chosen to happen. Vincent Andrew was always supposed to be my name not Katy, eventually I want to legally change my name and the gender presented on things like my birth certificate. Your Son Vincent Andrew is there anything you would change about this? I don't want it to be too long because my parents might just skim through it if it's long (my dad says he does this with everything he has to read)
Thats good. But I think you should explain more about what transgender is, most people are hopelessly misinformed about it. Oh, and perhaps you need to explain why you don't want to finish post sixteen...
I mainly put about post 16 because I quit college last year thanks for the fresh eyes ---------- Post added 19th Jan 2013 at 06:38 PM ---------- I'm not sure how to explain transgender other than my gender is not matching my physical body and it doesn't effect sexual orienation
According to the NHS Sex is male, female, and is to do with chromosomes and genitalia, where as Gender is boy or girl and has to do with your internal sense of self and how you express yourself. is that a decent explination
That explanation sounds decent. Even so, people may find the concept a little difficult at first. My mum is supportive and I'm still not sure if she gets the difference between sex and gender. They're not going to understand straight away, but that sounds like a good start.
I wish my stupid body would just match my brain and then I'd have to come out as gay but at least there's no surgery or name change or anything for that
The letter is going very well. Though, the hardest part that people can't warp their head around, is the "realization" part. You can't just say "I soon realised that I am not meant to be female" and leave it there. Many people, especially parents, can't see the process in our mind when we says realize ourself. It is not like a spark in a moment, as they thought, as if we whimsically just decided that we are male/female/other. It makes them think that we are choosing this by ourselves. Put it in a way to make them understand that you are needing their help and acceptance, not that you are trying to break away from them. Something like "I cannot, no matter what I do, deny who I am. Not anymore. I am your child, and I will always be. But if you want to see your child happy, if you wish me to be able to live a fulfilling life, then please, allow me to be my true self." While you can appeal to your parents in a variety of ways, appealing to their parenthood often works. It is the method I feel comfortable to use, personally, rather than appealing to other things like religious belief or otherwise, because it start to feel fake, and as if I am trying to manipulate them somehow. That is why I tell you to just pour your heart out. Your feelings are true, and pure, honest, unadulterated emotions is always better than a carefully crafted letter intend to persuade or otherwise.
Ok how about I attempt a shot at how I would word it, and you delete all you don't like, and let inspire you anything if it does...and put in your own wording, okay? "Hey, Mom and Dad, There is something that has been making me very depressed for a long time now, and I didn't want to tell you because I was afraid how you would react. But I really am to a point now where I need to tell you. Please respect what I am about to say, as it is something that I can’t tell you in person since talking about feelings is not something that I can do easily. First I want to get off my chest that I do not want to finish post 16, I am still enjoying it and I really do want to get good A levels. The reason why....(add in here a line). However that is not really what this letter is about. I know that I am supposed to be male. You have noticed I don't wear girl clothing anymore. That is the reason, not tomboy, MALE. You keep insisting that I am going to become a woman, that I will do what you think all women do, think about things they think about, dream about things they dream about. But this isn’t going to happen. I don’t want to wear make up. I don’t want to wear dresses or skirts. I don’t even want to wear female t-shirts. I wear male clothes because I am male not just because I like the style. I am transgender. The first time I felt like this isn’t completely clear to me but I remember feeling uncomfortable looking at girls clothes and trying to find things that don’t look feminine then looking at boys clothing and wishing that I could wear those but I also wanted to be normal and be the little girl that you wanted. This is because I wanted you to want me, to love me, to respect me...not because I was happy about it, it made me miserable. Honestly, the fact is I have always hated my self, wanting to change everything about myself: my hair, my height and even my gender but I thought I had no choice about that last one, I was going to have to live this way until I die. Only recently have I realised that the last one can be done! Finding out there are ways to help somebody trapped in the wrong body recover their actual gender identity has given me a ray of hope! I have options, and I intend to use them. (for sure here you want to define TRANSGENDER [check a Google search for most clear one that describes you in one paragraph, maybe wikipedia, or FTM site] and not too much detail, just enough to make it clear what it means...that you CAN become male) The first time I heard the word "gay," I assumed that it applied to ME! It may seem odd, but in my mind I am a guy and I like men; I have no interest in women at all. The way I feel for men is NOT heterosexual, and I am accepting that. I wish you could love me as your son, and accept me as a gay man too. However, that is exactly why this letter is so long time in coming out! You told us all that you would kick us out if we came out as gay. So I tried not to be transgender; I tried to ignore my thoughts, my feelings, my desires. I believe because of wanting your acceptance, out of curiosity of what is a girl, and wanting to fit in at school I had wanted to be a girl when I was 12. I soon realised that I am not meant to be female, however, as wanting something and BEING something are not the same thing...I can't be a girl, as my mind is not like theirs, and it never can be. Yet my body CAN be male. I can get it to look like how I see myself in my mind and live happy, and I hope you would want me happy. I have done a LOT of research, this is very important to me. I want to have testosterone therapy, which can help me in my transitioning. At first I was apprehensive because I thought that they only gave it in injections, but this is not true, there are gels or patches (like nicotine patches). I hate needles, so that is wonderful news! Unfortunately there are blood tests that have to be done, so I am going to get poked anyways. I would like it if you could give me moral support as I go in for them. I am your son and I love you just the same, I hope you still feel the same. I am not changing who I am; I am showing you who I am. I want to assure you this: There is nothing that you did to make this happen! There needs be no BLAME. This is a good thing! It is only a choice to add testosterone to my body, not a choice to be male...I was born that way, and I am glad I am, it makes me happy to know what the issue has been and that I can be me finally. Vincent Andrew was always supposed to be my name not Katy. I would love to hear your voices call me by that! Eventually I plan to legally change my name and the gender presented on things like my birth certificate. It will happen, but I will be so grateful if you can try, both of you, to love me no matter what. I mean that. Forever Your Loving Son, Vincent Andrew" So, this is how I would do it, don't keep anything I put in just cuz I put it in, okay? Delete like mad. And I put in () my opinion that you need something there that YOU must decide what to insert. I know you like to insert stuff. Hope this helps. Your buddy, David
Thank you so much David your version is so much better than mine like a million times better, it kind of proves how detached I actually am from emotions and stuff. plus thanks raindreamer for making me realise that the letter is about making them understand and not just about me telling them
Hi here it is I've just made sentences shorter to make it down to 1 side of A4 hopefully I'll be able to print it tomorow, see the 6 form support person and talk to her then find a way to give them the letter Mum and Dad, There is something that has been making me very depressed for a long time now, and I didn't want to tell you because I was afraid how you would react. I am at a point now where I need to tell you. It’s something I can’t tell you in person since talking about feelings is not something that I can do easily. First I do not want to finish post 16, I am still enjoying it and I really do want to get good A levels and go to university. However that is not really what this letter is about. I know I am supposed to be male. You know I don't wear girl clothing that is the reason, not tomboy, but MALE. You insist I’m going to become a woman, and that I will do what all women do, think about things and dream about things they dream about. But this is not going to happen. I don’t want to wear make up. I don’t want to wear dresses or skirts. I don’t even want to wear female t-shirts. I wear male clothes because I am male not just because I like the style. I am transgender. According to the NHS Transgender people are those whose physical and psychological gender is conflicted and Sex is male, female, and is to do with chromosomes where as Gender is boy or girl and has to do with your internal sense of self and how you express yourself. The first time I felt like this isn’t clear to me, I remember feeling uncomfortable looking at girls clothes and trying to find things that don’t look feminine then looking at boys clothing and wishing that I could wear those but I also wanted to be normal and be the little girl that you wanted. I wanted you to want me, to love me, to respect me...not because I was happy about it, it made me miserable. The fact is I have always hated my self, wanting to change everything about myself: my hair, my height and even my gender but I thought I had no choice about that last one, I thought I had to live this way until I died. Only recently have I realised the last one can be done! Finding there are ways to help somebody trapped in the wrong body recover their actual gender identity has given me a ray of hope! I have options, and I intend to use them. The first time I heard the word "gay," I thought it applied to ME! It may seem odd, but in my mind I am a guy and I like men; I have no interest in women at all. The way I feel for men is NOT heterosexual, and I accept that. I wish you could love me as your son, and accept me as a gay man too. That is exactly why this letter is so long in coming out! You told us all that you would kick us out if we came out as gay. So I tried not to be transgender; I tried to ignore my thoughts, my feelings. I believe wanting your acceptance, out of curiosity of what is a girl, and wanting to fit in at school I had wanted to be a girl when I was around 13 years old. I realised that I am not meant to be female, wanting something and BEING something are not the same thing...I can't be a girl, my mind is not like theirs, it never can be. My body CAN be male. I can make it look how I see myself in my mind and live happy. I hope you want me happy. I did LOTS of research, it is very important to me. I need testosterone therapy, to help me transition. I was reluctant because I believed they only gave it in injections, but it is not true, there are gels or patches (like nicotine patches) but blood tests must be done too. I would like your moral support as I go for them. I am your son and I love you just the same, I hope you feel the same. I am not changing who I am; just showing you who I am. I need to assure you: There is nothing that you did to make this happen! There needs be no BLAME. It is a good thing! It is only a choice to add testosterone to my body, not a choice to be male. Vincent Andrew was always meant to be my name not Katy. I would love to hear you call me by that! I plan to legally change my name and the gender presented on things like my birth certificate. It will happen, but I will be so grateful if you can try, both of you, to love me no matter what. I mean that. Forever Your Loving Son, Vincent Andrew
Something to add on this part "I am your son and I love you just the same, I hope you feel the same. I am not changing who I am; just showing you who I am. I need to assure you: There is nothing that you did to make this happen! There needs be no BLAME. It is a good thing! It is only a choice to add testosterone to my body, not a choice to be male." Tell them that they did nothing wrong. No blame and saying nothing they did that somehow "make" you this way is a good start, but some parents might feel that the reason you are who you are is because they give birth to you/raise you "wrong" and feel it is their fault. And omit the "not a choice to be male" part, replace with "It is only a choice to add testosterone to my body, a chance to be who I really am, who I should have been since birth" or similar. Reinforce your identity as truly a guy to convince them. The letter is coming great, by the way. I can really feel your emotions.
6 form is closed so Im delayed for another day Im so tired walking for an hour straight there and back
AGHHH !!!! I'm thinking what if Im doing this because my life is going well so I need to screw it up? I know Im not a girl but I dont know what I really want ! I want to be a man but i.dont want.things to change
Fml the support woman was at 6 form today but I couldnt see her because I had a driving lesson. ---------- Post added 23rd Jan 2013 at 01:20 PM ---------- Im never going to come out at this rate
