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Came out TG to fiancee that thought I was crossdresser, now terrified for her

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Just Jess, Jan 19, 2013.

  1. Just Jess

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    Alright this is going to be long since its complicated but I'll try not to put any BS in here since it's important I be honest about everything, like me or hate me.

    My fiancee, who I have been with for seven years, has locked herself in the bathroom. I told myself all the truth about myself - TG MtF Lesbian - a few weeks ago. I started the relationship trying to explain, but she kept reaching for false hope and I kept giving it to her. She thought I was just a crossdresser for a long time. She helped me dress up before we got together, and I'd lied to myself as much as her that that was enough. A few weeks ago was the first time I managed both to make myself just not let any BS out of my mouth, and got her to understand. I felt terrible and like I'd been deceiving her for years, but I thought the worst was over. She was the first person I'd ever been dressed up around, and she seemed supportive. She even bought me some cool shoes and had some fun "girls nights" with me. It was probably a mistake, but when she initiated something with me when I was dressed up, I let her. She said it was like it was really <my boy name> she was doing stuff with after, but she enjoyed it and wouldn't mind doing it again. She is definitely straight though and as a girl I'm friends with her, which was about what I was expecting and wanted anyway. I was on cloud 9 thinking "okay well everything's okay now".

    Well, since then we had some (unrelated to this) fights over stupid things that got bad. We're both immature sometimes and not that great at arguing without hurting each other, and I know that's a red flag for a marriage TG issues aside. We patched up afterward and it felt good, but over time it felt like more of that false hope was coming back. I gave in a little, saying that while this was something I didn't think me or even a therapist could change (I did agree to go to one) that I was still willing to try to remain <boy name> and that it would be easier now since I could be me around her sometimes. She called me selfish a lot - not even discussing opening the relationship (she's straight and I knew going into this that I couldn't expect her to be a nun) was enough. She's already got the dress and her parents love me. Every time I reiterated that this was really me, that it was me the whole time, and that if we're going to be together this is something we'll have to work around - but that I wanted to try, it just hurt her more. I told her that I didn't think the marriage was likely to work and that we had the deck stacked against us, but that I was willing to try, and she didn't hear the "willing to try" part. I tried to talk about arguments and dry spells and other problems, but it was just cassie she could think about.

    Well this time, I was trying to comfort her, and I said the wrong thing. I said "yes I can be your rock, but the part on the outside you think is strong, is the soft part, and cassie is the strong part". It was terrible, the way she cried was worse than ever, I could her her heart breaking. She cried for a while and I just didn't say anything because I didn't know what to say. She locked herself in the bathroom. I was scared for her life but knew that my opening the door or trying to talk to her when she was scared might push her over, so I gave her some space.

    She came out while I was writing this, and I said something that was hard, but it felt right and the words thankfully didn't seem like they hurt. I said that I wanted to grow old with her more than anything, but that I wanted her never feeling the way she felt today again even more, and that the ball was in her court as far as ending things.

    But she has been depressed (she has real depression she medicates for besides) and miserable and devastated for longer than I thought a human being could handle it. I want out of the relationship for that reason. I'm scared for myself, since I'm hundreds of miles away from my support network and we live together. I'm graduating and trying to start my life at a new job. But I'm more scared for her. She has threatened suicide in the past - she assured me she'd never do it later. But even more than that, she left a bad relationship for my BS.

    I don't regret the last seven years for a second. But something's got to change now, and I don't know how to do it.
     
  2. Hot Pink

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    Sorry to hear about your fiance. These issues are never easy or straight forward. I can't really offer you any concrete advice, but I would encourage you to continue being yourself. Pretending to be something you're not will not solve this problem. It will always be there because you're a woman. No amount of wishing on your part or hers will change that. That's just the truth.

    She either needs to come to terms with that and accept you for the woman you are and love you for you or she needs to leave. This won't be easy for her. She's straight. It won't be an ideal situation for her to marry another woman. Not saying she won't or she can't overcome it. Sometimes love is strong.

    The only thing I can do is reassure you that being honest with her was the right thing to do. Don't give in anymore. Continue to be honest. She deserves that and you don't want to have your marriage based on a lie. Doing the right thing is often difficult, but someone's happiness is not more important than someone else's. If you are both are not happy in this relationship, maybe it is time for you to go separate ways, especially if she is going to get depressed about it.

    When the time is right, try talking to her again. Tell her this isn't a phase. This won't go away. This is you. It's who you are. You've always been a woman.
     
  3. Just Jess

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    Thanks so much for the reply, I don't think I really needed concrete advice, just a place to get my thoughts out. The encouragement helped though.

    Things are better for now. We're kind of avoiding the issue and I do have other big problems that I've got to get past, but I'm not going back on things I've said. I talked to another friend I've told everything to and it helped me get my mind off things for a while. Brought up some of my old embarrassing memories from a few times I "got caught" growing up, and was able to laugh about them now, which felt good. And it was good being able to talk about nerdy stuff.

    I'll pick my battles and my time a little better, but I will bring it up again. Right now I wanna graduate and get into a decent job, and move closer to friends so I don't feel like my back is against the wall. Telling her parents will be a lot harder than telling mine honestly. Ending the relationship will be a real challenge if we have to do it, but I'm not in the best shape to be thinking about that right now. Because of the serious amount of drama - I'm glad our neighbors didn't call anyone - I know this isn't really a solution, but right now because of the way things went I'm planning on stuffing myself back in the closet until the end of May.

    I do want to ask, my school has free psychiatrists. I'm a little scared about the quality but was going to talk just to get help with this and other issues; I had a hard time growing up. This part I could definitely use advice on. Has anyone else ever gone this route? Through a University I mean. I don't mean to sound prejudiced and I'm so sorry if any of you are university counselors, but it's not all students learning how to be shrinks or anything?

    Kind of flipping through the forums, you all seem like really cool people. I found this site just googling earlier when things got bad, but I think it'd be good to make some friends here if you'll have me.
     
  4. Hot Pink

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    My first therapist about this was through my university, but he wasn't ideal for the job. He admitted that his experience with transgender people was limited. He also wasn't willing to give me a letter. He did help me through a bit of my depression, though, and got me feeling better. He also helped me come out to my parents. That wasn't all, after realizing I needed specialized gender help, he found me a gender therapist in the city.

    University therapists are well-versed in helping students with stress and depression, but not really about this. That being said, if he need help with depression, don't hesitate to ask your counselling center. They also might be able to help you find someone who can help you with your transgender issues.
     
  5. Just Jess

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    Hey thanks again for everything. Just an update, things are better between us. I did a lot of hard thinking over the last two days and decided to talk to her about opening up the borders of the relationship. Neither of us feels like we're a catch; it's one of the comforts of being in a relationship. But we're gonna try to make each other feel good enough about ourselves if we're going back "on the market", and I told her if she has a shot she should take it. Almost as hard as the other conversations but no tears. I know I'll still feel lousy and a little jealous if she's with someone else - the part of me that hasn't matured past high school will feel like a loser - but the thought of being with someone else sexually myself that accepts me for who I am trumps that a lot. We'd both decided we'd rather not know about the other person's conquests if they ever happen.

    I don't know if it's a mistake or not but it feels right so I just went ahead and did it. Things have felt better all day, so I'll just take it a day at a time from here. And it feels like I have a lot more room to figure out the other big things in my life.

    I debated sharing that with the world, but I'm pretty sure there's other people out there that have been here, so there it is.