What's it like growing older as a gay man?

I feel the same. I'd love to meet somebody that loved me and we could just grow old and live a somewhat conventional life. Seems pretty bleak right now...

 

I always wonder things like this. I'm already seeing a bunch of my friends get engaged, married, or having kids.

 

I always thought about that but if I don't find that special person in that age and crap..



Im serious though. Im really curious on what it would be like.

 

I know exactly what you mean. I'm 27 and most of my friends are married, have kids, doing the whole expected family thing. A lot of our media treats gay men as young, hip, fabulous, and above all fun and vibrant. I often think about what will happen when I'm in my 40s, 50s, and into my senior years.

I really hope some older EC members can shed some light on this for us.

 

Well, I am 42, been out for about ten years. I have to be honest, i never 'wanted' to be tied down to just one person, hate to say it i was more than a bit of a tart :O But there was a reason i was that way, which through therapy i'm starting to see.
I am lonely now at this age, i would love some one to love, to care for and have them care for me, not worried about sex at all, more interested in friendship, companionship, and just someone to share my life with. i worry about getting older also, i hate living my life as a single person!

So the answer to the question posed is 'lonely' at the moment, but hoping to change that! and to the question that lewnatic asked about how frequently etc. well at 24 i could have 'any' man i wanted, didnt matter about orientation, so it got to a point where i was all sex orientated, addicted if you will, now at 42, sex doesn't interest me all that much, i'd sooner watch a movie or have a chat with someone

 

But isn't it true that just because we are gay, our choices for a matching partner are dramatically sliced to zero? :/ I mean, I have several female friends that I would definitely do something with if I were straight, but as I am gay I won't. And then, how will I find the right guy for me. Some gay guys that I would like may even be hiding their identity. What are we supposed to do?

I don't want to make discriminations or insult anyone, and I may be wrong, and I don't know if I put it discretely, but I feel that a high percentage of gay people has some kind of issue pending to be solved (from psychological to accepting oneself, coming out to close persons such as parents, or just having an eccentric appearance (I really don't like that)). But personally I don't want to deal with such issues.

Thus, I feel that out of 5% of the male population that might be gay, less than half are out of the closet and from those only 2% are the kind of guys that I am compatible with (that's 0.04% of all men). What am I supposed to do? Start handing out fliers "gay man looks for partner with the following qualifications:...". I am not that social and not that willing to spend so much time out of my carrier, friends, leisure etc to find the right guy. Not to mention that I don't to come out too much anyway. And I don't want to lower my standards just because I am gay. Even if I increase my "compatibility percentage" to 10%, that's just 0.2%. It's just not fair

Am I having too many expextations or do you too feel you are a bit crushed by that kind of thoughts (to young ones)? And how do you deal with the compatibility sortage (to older ones)?

 

I'm not the best to comment on this, being 18, but I can make some guesses, and I have met some older gay couples in their 30's and 40's before. I've often wondered about this myself, what it would be like to be me as a 40, 50, 60 year old. I think the difficulty when it comes to that area is that when you wonder what life will be like as a middle-aged man, you picture your current self stuck in some 40 year old body. A well organized mind grows with the body, so of course, you can't imagine being 50 right now, but by the time you get there, you'll probably feel "right" being that age. Of course, everyone wants to remain in their 20's, the physical prime of our years, but what I'm saying is that you won't be the same person you are today then. Your experiences will have built up, along with your maturity, so you'll feel your age. That's not to say that you can't be 50 and have the heart of child, willing to be relaxed and have fun; but if you age right, you'll feel comfortable in your skin.

As for romance, again, it's difficult to imagine. Of course that as a man in your twenties, you probably don't fantasize about being with a middle-aged man (some do, which is fine btw). Just like how when you were twelve, you probably had crushes on other 11-13 year old guys rather than 28 year old guys. So while it may be unimaginable to be with a 40 year old guy right now, when you get there yourself, it'll probably be a lot less strange feeling. Of course, most people consider youth to be a desirable trait, I'm just saying that you'll probably find the idea of being with a 40 year old guy to be a lot more realistic.

One key thing I'd like to point out, is that one of the reasons you don't see a lot of middle-aged gay couples who've been together since their youth is that it's only in the last 10 or so years that being gay has really started to become culturally acceptable. The change in attitude towards gay people started in the 70's, but even in the 90's, it was still something that was considered undesirable, and was (and still is unfortunately) illegal in many areas. Sure, you could get by just fine as a gay guy in the 90's, but society was a lot less conducive to the idea. As such, during the earlier days of gay-rights, a lot of gay relationships were conducted discreetly, and didn't last due to the difficulties that came along with being gay. As such, a lot of the first generation gay people only really started looking for serious relationships within the last decade or so, hence the lack of a lot of life-long relationships. My guess is that the current generation of gay people will (and currently do) find expressing their sexuality publicly much easier, so 50 years down the line, we may see a lot more couples who met as young people and grew older together ^_^

From a purely statistical point of view, yes, the odds of finding your soulmate who is also gay are probably low. But one flaw in that view is that you assume a universal distribution, that all homosexual people are completely evenly spread throughout the country (that in any given area, only 0.04% are compatible with you), which is of course flawed. There are places that have a statistically higher percentage of homosexual people than others, for whatever reason. Then of course, there are LGBT clubs which are 100% gay/bi, so of course your chance of meeting someone their skyrockets. There are also other demographics which seemingly have a higher percentage of gay people, especially niche groups. I've found that places like anime conventions, sci-fi conventions, etc, tend to have a fair number of gay people present. I'm not sure why or if it's even statistically signifigant, but I just notice that a lot of gay people of our generation also tend to have niche interests. Maybe it's because of the social alienation that sometimes comes along with being gay, they tend to be introverts with a variety of niche interests. Who knows. What I do know is that if you actively go out there and look for people with your interests, you're bound to find someone like you who's gay.

Take me for example, I started my final year of high school this year not expecting anything interesting. In my first class, I met a guy who shared a bizarre amount of interests with me, AND was bisexual too. Things didn't work out the way I hoped, but we became great friends. And I didn't even actively look for a guy like him.

 

Dude, where did you find all that logical positive thinking?! It sure calmed me down a bit. XD Thanks!:icon_bigg

 

Yeah, I used to be in your boat, feeling upset with worry that I'd never find a soulmate like the characters in my favorite books ^_^, as I'm pretty introverted and geeky (I can act extroverted easily, but when it comes to opening up to people, it's hard for me). Meeting my previous and first serious crush completely out of the blue made me realize that one of the reasons I didn't meet a lot of people like me was that I didn't make an effort to connect with new people. Heck, I didn't even socialize with my own friends that much. I'd sort of retreated into my introversion and isolated myself, not out of fear of meeting people, but because I just gave up on ever meeting people with the same interests as me. Meeting my crush made me realize how crucial it is to actually get out there, to seek out groups that share my interests rather than passively wait for someone who just happens to be a fantasy-books/star trek/pc gamer/philosophical/computer geek/etc kind of person xD.

 

Thanks for that, Chip.

Me, personally, I am a very monogamous sappy romantic type. I want to meet my soul mate, my true love, and settle down. I will get married in one of the states that allows it and not be treated as anything less than a full-fledged human being. I have a few gay friends who spend their weekends partying, boozing, drugging, and sleeping with anything that walks. That is just so unfathomable for me, and it pisses me off since dudes like that is what gives all the rest of us a bad name and gives the religious crazies more fodder to hate on us. Look, I know there are way more straight people who do the same thing, but the Party-N-Play gays really hurt us.

I can talk about two men I know who were both instructors at my alma mater. One of them was my Department Head and he has been with his partner for 25+ years. Both men are in their late 50s and are well educated academic types. I knew another instructor in the education department who retired my last year there. He was in his early 60s and had 40 years with his partner.

 

Just reading this entire thread has really made me think. I guess I always imagined that if I decided to come out and pursue a gay relationship, it wouldn't be hard. But this stuff is kind of an eye opener, finding other gay men wanting non-promisuous, long-lasting relationships (which is of course what I would want) isn't all that likely. And 4alleternity is right, if you want find a serious relationship, you need to open up and get out there, being yourself. I honestly can't imagine myself in 20 years either though, it's a sad though.

 

I would first like to say thanks to all who have participated because the issues are extremely common and shared, and the response (mainly 4AllEternity) was extremely lucid and soothing!

I am also not about the partying (although it would be fun to go dance with someone) and such due to the crowd it usually brings. I would rather not meet someone at a bar or a club for that reason, but where else do we go to meet people? Like the author of this thread stated, I share that same feeling that we may not meet someone. Like 4AllEternity said, many times you just seem to run into someone or it happens, and I think the key is just to be open to it and not be narrow minded in where it may come from. Get out and talk to people.

Perhaps it's ok to go to the bars and clubs and such, and act like a civil human being. Maybe just talk to people, as I am sure there are others like us looking for someone there due to the limited outlets.

 

That sounds so beautiful, and i'm glad i'm saving myself for 'marriage'.
Maybe i'll find that man I can be with the rest of my life. n_n
This gave me a little bit of faith in being gay again~
(!)

 

Hi,

You may want to consider the audience you are asking...

There may be far more well adjusted gays who never visit EC.

Just something to think about, no rudeness intended.

I suspect an older gay has just as much chance at happiness as anybody else.

Stuck

 

Excellent point.

 

Ok. So as an older guy who's coming out I've thought about this alot.

As im coming out I've give to 2 different pride/lgbt centers. Making friends with other gay men for sure. Too new at this to say I've found a boyfriend, but there are plenty of men from ages 20- 70. Some partnered, some single. And they have gay friends too.

I have no doubt I'll meet guys to be both in lust and love with ;-)

So you're so much younger than me, and without a doubt gay culture in changing so much. There may be more limited options for guys my age, but things will change so much for guys your age.

Lastly, yes being a gay man makes us a minority. That's why finding venues where other gay men hang and play is so important. I may be 4% of US men, or more like 10% of New York metro area, but when I'm
Hanging at a pride center meeting, going out to a diner with a bunch of guys, or going with them to a gay bar, guess what, I'm 1 of 100%!

If you spend your life as a gay guy hanging with all straight friends, yes your chances will be lower, but check out your options with gay men and lgbt groups.

And believe me, let your friends know you'd like them to introduce you to other eligible gay men, they'll help!

Peace

 

I suppose it's going to be what you make of it. Many gay couples are in LTR and get married (if legal in their area) and even adopt children.