I had these feelings all my life. My first male lover he was older than me. I look back and can say that was the best feeling and the most natural feeling I have ever felt with someone. I have been married two times and both have end because of my feelings of not belonging.im 51 and wont to move forward in my life . I feel lost and sacred and alone at times. Don't have any one to talk to and don't know where to start. I want to find a guy to be with and not jump from man to man. Im not out but want to be it feels to good and natural to keep n. How do I m ok ve forward?
Well, if you're looking for a long-term relationship, you're probably better off building one slowly, rather than taking the fast-route (hook up, fall in love later). That means finding another guy who also wants to go slow. Essentially, you want to avoid building a relationship on sex, by delaying any sexual stuff until later. Work on affection first, like going on platonic dates, having fun together. Using a dating website's fine, just make sure that you talk with the person a lot beforehand to make sure they're 100% clear you want to move slowly. I advise against saying "I'm looking for a long-term relationship", since that implies that you require 100% commitment right from the start. Big turnoff. Instead say that you want to take things slowly, get to know each other first. Doing that will lead to a long-term relationship, if it's conducive for both of you.
I think that I understand a good deal of what you're saying. I'm not much older than you and am coming out now. I was so convinced that I was not a gay man for most of my life, significantly because I had been made fun of and humiliated for being such so much during the earlier years of my life that the only thing that I knew to do was to fight back. "I'll show all of you!!", I felt (and came to stubbornly believe). But I had no support and had no other alternative but to survive and preserve some part of me that way. In any event, I share your desire to love and to be loved by another. I'm hopeful that, even at our age, the universe will look after us and bring us what we most need. Rest assured that you DO belong and are indeed, belonging even now, to a community of many others, some of whom have trod in our footsteps previously. We are not alone. Please have courage and grasp the notion that you are being held by others.
