I have never told anyone about this, written it down, or even tried to think about it but I feel as if it is time for me to address this. Im a 21 year old male and starting to seriously question my sexuality. This is extremely hard for me to do and even type this out right now. I guess I have always had an attraction to boys and remember having gay sexual fantasies in the 7th grade, but since then i've suppressed it. It has come up every once and awhile since this but now I feel like I am thinking about it 24/7 and starting to deny it. Its killing me. I never really had a relationship with a female before and only had drunk hookup sex with girls, which in retrospect were all kind of weird all together. I spent my whole teenager years masterbating to straight porn and looking at girls but its just god damn confusing. Everything I do and all my mannerisms tell me im straight. I played on the football and basketball team, throughout my life i've hung out with jocks. I never really hung out with any girls, or feel like ive had any girls that were truly close friends to me. I just hung and still do hang out with straight men who would ostracize me if i came out. My basketball team would also ostracize me i feel. I feel like I still am attracted to woman but then again I dont know if thats because I really really want to be or if i truly am. No one has ever suspected anything. But now these feelings are coming up and I just feel like I cant suppress them anymore. I find myself crying everyday. Ive always had severe depression and social anxiety issues since 6th grade that ive hidding so effectively from everyone close to me. Im just so tired of it all. Im not sure what im asking here at all or if this is even the right place or forum to do this. I just feel like I really needed to type this out and have someone read it if that makes sense.
Hi, and welcome to EC. You're totally in the right place. I think what you're feeling is part of the typical process of accepting that you're gay. Any time we have a big loss (in this case, the loss of being "straight"), we go through stages: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. "Anger" looks like "Dammit, why do I have to be this way." "Bargaining" looks like "Well, maybe I'm attracted to guys, but I can still end up married to a girl." And grief and acceptance are pretty obvious. I think a lot of gay guys masturbated to straight porn in their teens (while they were busy looking at the guys instead of the girls, denying that, even to themselves) and many had relationships with girls because the straight culture is so strong around them, particularly in high school. And it's very possible that the depression and anxiety is strongly linked to knowing you were gay but not being able to accept it. So all of this sounds pretty normal. I think what you need to explore within yourself is what it would be like to be gay? What it would feel like to be in a relationship with a guy and then do the same with a girl. Let yourself really explore and feel the feelings, and try to distance yourself a little from your actions (who you look at on the street, what you think about when you masturbate) and see what that tells you. My guess is you already know, but it's hard actually owning and accepting that. But the best way you get through it is to talk about it. Ask q's here, discuss your feelings, let everything out. I hope you'll stick around and join in the conversations. I think it will help you get clarity, wherever your ultimate sexuality lies on the continuum.
Chip said it the best. Only thing I can add to it...do it now. I went through all of those stages, including being married 14 years to a female to "try and change myself", and have been separated now almost 3 years and can finally (proudly) admit to myself that yes indeed I am a gay man. The reason I say do it now, is I don't want anyone going 40+ years like I did, analyzing themselves (am I gay/am I straight). Life is too short and I really regret denying myself of the life I really desire. I cannot wait to get a boyfriend to share my life with. Take vacations with. Hold and cuddle, and other things people in love share. I am still waaaayyyy in the closet, and only last week finally told one person that I am gay. Sidenote: what a great feeling it is to be able to have at least one person know. I can finally bounce thoughts off him for his opinion, etc. Please use this forum. It is the best on the internet that I have found. Its almost like a big happy family (&&&), just full of support. I've only been a member less than a month and already I got the courage to soul search and not only admit to myself who I truly am, but also share it with my best friend. Empty Closets is awesome. Keep us up to date, and if you need anything, my wall is there for ya! Good luck. (*hug*)
Thanks man I appreciate the advice. This forum seems like a great place for me, I have been reading around and feeling a little more normal haha.
Those guys said it best, really. Take their advice and run with it. It can be a scary thing to face, there's no doubt about that, and by not facing it, nothing good can happen. Just look at how heavy it's weighing on you now. =( Nobody needs such a burden. That said, it's still a burden to go through for most people, but a lot of us have been there, in the same boat, and can attest to the fact that the more your learn about it, the more you own it, the more you grow, the lighter the burden becomes. You need to learn who you are, and it's going to take many, many steps. Baby steps, but you'll get to where you need to be. And, just think, you've taken a great first step, reaching out to your peers. You're never alone in this, keep that in mind. Now, get out there. Search; read; ask. Test the waters. Learn. Grow. And come to love yourself for who you are, whoever you find yourself to be. And I always put this out there, but if you ever need anything, feel free to let me know. I'm usually floating around on here somewhere, spending waaaay too much time. =P
Hi catoom! Your post awesome to me because I feel like it really reflects what I started going through a couple months ago. Almost exactly! I'll try to offer you some advice, though in the end, you'll have to decide where to go from here. Like it's been stated, I believe you are going through a process. Perhaps the most preliminary of preliminaries. So what do you do? If you are totally confused, I think you need to boil it down to some really simple questions and be totally honest with yourself when you ask them. I would write down the answers in a notebook for you to see so that it becomes real. Are you sexually attracted to men? -If you were to sit in a busy shopping mall, who would you be catching glances at? That busty, in-shape blonde bomb shell of a girl? Or would your attention be caught by that tall, muscular jock with the chiseled jaw and dreamy eyes? -Think about kissing. Who would give you that electric, heart-stopping, shortened breath, pupils-fully-dialated feeling? Kissing an incredibly hot guy or a hot girl? -Do you tend to stare at boobies or dude's packages? -When you watch porn, are you concentrating on what the girl is doing or what the guy is doing? -Are you excited about the idea of having sex with a woman even? Is it something your really, really, really want to do for the rest of your life? -If the answer tends to invariably to be gearing towards men, I think you can say that you are attracted to men and not women. That is so important! - However, if you feel equally and powerfully sexually attracted to both, you may very well be bi. Be very careful with this though. Do not use "being bi" as an excuse or blunter if it's not really true. Really sort out if you feel passionately attracted to one or the other or both. Don't just say you are bi because you are not sure or you thought you were or you want to be. It's not fair to de-legitimize people who are really bisexual and really feel strongly attracted to both sexes. Bisexual does not mean unsure. Next ask yourself if some of your confusion is really stemming from you maybe having just been trying to convince yourself of some alternate reality or outcome for a log time: -Are you not sure because you have been telling yourself you are not sure for so long? -Have you just not allowed yourself to ever even explore the possibility of not growing up to be a straight man until now? -Are you worried about losing your straight life? Your friends, your family? And that has caused you to rule out ever being a gay man? -Having you been waiting for something to "click-in" so that you can be attracted to girls the way you imagine you should? If it hasn't by now, is it ever really going to happen? -Could you really get into a meaningful relationship with a person if you are not really attracted to them? Do you think that's fair to that person? Is that fair to you? Would it last? Who would be benefiting from such a relationship? After answering all of these questions, you should hopefully be able to answer this final question which will lead you to the first step. Am I sexually attracted exclusively to men and not women? If, after going through the series of questions and some more of your own, you answer YES. You have completed the first step toward happiness. Admitting to yourself that you are gay. Or coming out to yourself. Some say that is the most difficult step of all, and the most important! If it's still not clear, no worries. Just keep being honest and answer. Write in a journal. Dig through your deepest darkest thought chambers and present scary questions anonymously on here to get a safe, free reply! Like I said, I've only just recently come realize it after years of denial. I'm 24 years old and spent all 24 of those in a lie so good that I had myself convinced and confused. Now I'm out to myself. I know I am and have always been attracted to guys and don't find women attractive at all. I'm straight acting too. I play sports, hang out with straight friends and hunt deer. But I've quit the mind game and admitted to myself that I like dudes. I'm ready for the next step. Maybe we can both take the next step together?
Thank you.. I really didn't expect this. Your right, I need to do some soul searching. Thanks for sharing that Samwise I know I'm not alone on this. I just feel terrified right now and I really don't want to lose my "straight life". I'm talking to this girl now and I feel terrible about it because I know she's falling for me. I feel attracted to her but then again I don't know... I just need to sort through my feelings.
Fearing for the annihilation of my "straight life" and everything in it has been the biggest issue for me as well. If you're like me, your straight life has been pretty fantastic up to this point. A great family, great friends and lots of great memories and relationships along with them. Losing all of that would be terrible, wouldn't it? Even admitting that you have been lying to all of those people is a terrifying thought in and of itself. If you're like me, you are probably convinced that coming out would for some reason mean the end of everything. Some kind of complete flip of a fine and happy life to everything and everyone becoming angry, embarrassed and sad. Your friends will feel so estranged and lied to that they will just completely stop talking to you and disown you. Your parents will be disgraced and angry. You will become the brunt of everyone's jokes and a local freak. This seems to be the only plausible scenario in our heads as closeted men. The interesting news is that almost never happens- especially in today's world. Your friends will accept you. It will turn out that your parents really do just want you to be happy. You'll feel better and your "straight life" will not only not be dead. It will become your real life just the same as it was before only now it will feature a protagonist who is totally honest with himself and his friends and family. It will include someone who is happy, truthful and maybe even able to find someone that he truly loves. And that will bring the ultimate happiness and greatness to the life. That's what I'm trying to grasp right now. The idea that somehow this hellish life of being closeted is worth perpetuating any longer becomes more and more silly every day. The straight life (lie) becomes more hollow as time goes on. Months turn into years, years turn into several years and soon you're 24 years old, you haven't started liking girls like you magically thought you would and your friends around you are busy being happy with people they love and marrying them. When does the act become comical or sad to those around you? When do you become the only person who is believing it anymore? For me, I'm pretty sure that ship is leaving the harbor. It's become almost ridiculous in the last year or two- especially since graduating college that I'm still trying to exist like this. Which is what has finally pushed me to start the process. Way overdue, but I guess I needed the time. I hope if you feel as though there are some realities that you are bound to discover at some point or another, that you actively explore them instead of put them on the back burner. That is the worst thing to do and that is what I literally had done up until this past year. I'm not sure what other advice to give you about your situation. Half of this post is me pretty much venting about where I am at as well. As far as the girl goes... I guess I would just refer back to my original post. You say you're talking to this girl. What does that mean? Does it mean you are pretending to be interested in her even though you aren't? Are you actually interested in her? Are you playing some kind of game with yourself where you pretend to be interested in a girl so that it makes you feel better or in some kind of hope that you might magically become attracted to her even though you've never been attracted to girls before? You might be right about feeling terrible if that's the case! Now, I'm not trying to tell you how you feel because I obviously don't know, but from what it sounds like that is the case. So ask yourself- what are you doing? Are you just trying to make yourself feel better even though you know you aren't attracted to this person? Are you hoping some kind of switch will get flipped in your brain if you try to be "straight" long and hard enough? Is that fair to the girl? Is that fair to you? I'm not trying to be too critical because I've done it with a lot of girls too. Only to leave them confused and upset. It shot down my confidence too. I guess I needed to know though. Even though I knew I would never be attracted to that girl, I had to prove to myself that it wasn't possible. And guess what? It wasn't. If you're not physically attracted to girls now, you never will be. Deny it, wait it out and try to change it all you want, but the only outcome if that is indeed the case is a terrible, terrible lie or the truth. I am rejecting the life of lies and choosing to embark on the path of truth. We've only got this one life to live and it's way too short and wonderful to spend it as a half-person. If you feel the same way I do, I think we should start putting some effort into coming to the truth instead of continuing with the lie. Life's too short! Now... how to begin...
