I really like someone. I might call it love if I felt more secure, more confident, yet I don't ... yet I want to. The feeling is of being within a constricting circularity and having a desperate desire to escape it. Normally I can, but I find my usual methods inadequate ... thinking, writing, reading, talking ... My problem is that the situation is more complex than any social situation I've dived into before. I'm dealing with issues for which I had never thought to prepare, because they are issues which I never thought I would encounter. It all arises from my recent exposure to polyamory. The person that I like wants a polyamorous situation ... chain, triad, it doesn't matter ... because of the distance involved between him and his current romantic interests. The uncertainty makes him hesitant to commitment. That's fine, I understand that, but I react in ways I cannot control. When the conversation turns to his other romantic interests, whom I've met and who is very kind, what results are feelings of inadequacy, frustration and desperation. I see the situation as depriving my of what I want, which I suppose is to feel particular. I want to be of particular importance to him, not from among people in general (which I am), but among his romantic interests especially (which I am not). Yet I see this reaction as fundamentally selfish, and unjustifiably so. What is this feeling within me that is so competitive and self-interested that I would seek to infringe upon the elation others experience between one another? Why do I foster such insecurity that I desperately wish to deprive someone else of happiness in order to artificially create my own? This brings me to compersion. I want to feel it. I want to be able to hear about his experiences with his other romantic interest and feel glad that he is having them rather than fearful that I might lose mine. This does not mean that I would be polyamorous (I have never developed feelings for multiple people at once, and so I don't think I could ... nor do I have the desire to), but that I would be comfortable with the fact that he is. How can I do that ... can I do that at all? I'm unsure, but I'm going to leave it at that rather than continue writing. At the moment I find myself thinking too many uncomfortable and self-depreciating thoughts. I would appreciate input and consolation. ---------- Post added 20th Jan 2013 at 02:49 PM ---------- This is supposed to be in Support and Advice. Could a mod move it please?
I can't edit anymore unfortunately, but I noticed an error that's really bothering me ... instances of "romantic interests" not including me should read "romantic interest" (as in there's only one other).
