I'm about 4.5 half months into Hormone Replacement Therapy. I'm getting happier and happier with my body. I have curves, long hair, smooth skin, and my breasts fit into a B cup. Things are good in that department. The problem is, that I still feel like a man... When I look in the mirror, I think "Wow my chest really looks like real boobs!" Its like I don't think of myself as a "real" female. I still feel like I'm happier in girl mode, but my thought process is that I'm happy because I'm "looking, passing, or pretending to be a girl." I still cannot convince myself to start thinking of me as a female though. Its confusing and frustrating. When I first started I didn't care about my genitals. I thought if I could have breasts and curves and pass I'd be happy. Now, I know I still have a long way to go on the hormones, and I don't get more than maybe one opportunity a week to dress up, but I hate that I can't seem to convince myself that I'm a girl. I can already "pass"when I try, and I would think that would be enough to think of myself as a true woman. If it hasn't happened yet when will it happen? When I present as a woman "full time?" If and when I get SRS? Or will it be something I'll forever struggle with given my XY chromosomes? I hate how slow the process is. I dressed up the other day and looked in the mirror. I had this kind of moment where I realized that for the first time, I was presenting with as a girl with real looking boobs that were IN FACT my real boobs. That very thought had always been like a dream to me. I thought once I experienced that nothing could ever phase me. Life would be perfect. Yet I still can't help thinking I'm a guy. What am I chasing now? How can I know things will actually improve? Yet every time I try to discuss these feelings with trans friends they tell me all these feelings are really normal for someone going through transition. Just looking for reassurance. If you are someone who is further along with transition, when were you able to finally able to feel.... "content?"
Since I am not a transgender, I cannot give good advice or anything, I just wanted to say that I have known, and do know a few transgenders and transsexuals, who struggle with this. It really does seem to be very normal and natural to feel just the way you do. However, it does sound like you have come far already. I think it might help if you try to visualize the point further down the road that you want to reach. What is being female to you? What is it that you feel is missing? I mean, you know who you are, and what gender you are. You have come far already, in a few years down the road, who knows how far you can come! It is not the same, I know, but I can relate somewhat to the feeling of urgency. The feeling that, I`ve done this and that, I should feel this or that, why am I disappointed, why do I feel like I haven`t gotten as far as I wanted. For me, it has not been with transition from male to female, but with transition from being a young girl who struggled with anxiety and depression, to a confident adult who can handle a job. I know how it is to look yourself in the mirror and still struggle with not feeling like I am who I want to be. It`s tough, sometimes transitions take a long time, whether they are physical, emotional, mental, whatever. Sometimes all that can help is time. It might also help that you try some positive affirmations. I have them on my wall, lol, though yours would look different than mine, because we are trying to reach different goals. You want to be able to feel like the woman you are, I want to feel like the confident adult I want to be. I love and approve of myself. I am a beautiful woman and that’s how everyone will see me. I am happy in my own skin and in my own circumstances. I am more than female enough and I get more so every day. All that I need will come to me at the right time and place in this life. I will be deeply fulfilled with who I am. You write them down, and repeat them to yourself every morning with your happy smile on, it will work. It did for me at least, though like you, I am still not exactly where I want to be. That`s kind of life though, it`s a journey, we don`t just start at the finish line. You`d miss a whole lot of growing that way. Lots of love, and hope you get some better answers here from others in your exact position
J snow, I read your dilemma and I don't have much insight to offer to you. I know though that when I post something on these forums I really appreciate that people pass by and leave a comment for support, even if they don't have a solution for me, so here I am, showing some support (&&&) Just a little funny something; as a transman, when I see my breasts in the mirror, I've always felt exactly like what you describe; that I'm a man and that though those are nice, they're not mine. They're just.. there. My wife is a transwoman though with C cups, I may just ask her how she feels about her breasts! yeah, good conversation starter
