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*Novel Alert* Young questioning recovering alcoholic, going off the deep end!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by localfwbguy, Jan 20, 2013.

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  1. localfwbguy

    localfwbguy
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    Hi people. I am here, posting this to try and relieve some of my suffering. I am 23 years old, and I have no clue on what I need to do. I know everyone has an opinion, but my head is out to kill me so I am open to advice, and suggestions.

    I have always identified as heterosexual, even though now its all in question. I am also a recovering alcoholic and addict in a 12 step program. I have been sober for 3 years and haven't drank or drugged since the age of 20. Well a huge part of growing in recovery is honest in all your affairs, and "To thine own self be true". So here I am, questioning my sexuality,miserable,afraid,lonely, and afraid that I have no where to turn. Relapse has been on my mind heavy, which is insane, suicide.

    Anyway, I have always been turned on by the thought of doing stuff with old men. I indulged the fantasy for a long time via porn, surfing dating profiles, and reading Craigslist ads. At the same time despite this behavior, I feel/felt heterosexual. Must sound retarded...looks that way writing it. Ok, on the flip side I always liked girls. I never looked at boys like that, I did notice girls, want a girlfriend and had some serious crushes. I always had that romantic attraction for girls,loved looking at good looking women. Well, becoming addicted to alcohol and drugs before even entering High school I kinda stopped maturing socially. I ran from other kids, I hid, I felt like a piece of Shit and stayed wasted. So while other kids were discovering girls/guys I was discovering rehabs and jail. I just always knew I'd one day find a girl who loved me, of course she would be gorgeous and we would be off on a junkie love story. While I'm thinking all this, I'm jerking to old men online and thinking nothing of it. WTF??!!

    Fast forward, I'm sober for 14 months. I love recovery, I'm getting so much better. I have friends, I'm working on myself, I'm growing into a descent human being, I'm becoming a man. Then, me and her meet in the rooms. She is my age, 18 months sober and new in town. It's the Recovery love story! We hit it off, and we begin a relationship almost immediately. Were so careful to do the right thing, we want to do it right, the way we have been taught. We want to hurt no one. She becomes my first real relationship, as an adult and sober person. Things are great, we love each other and slend all our time together. We make beautiful love, we enrich each others lives. Sad thing...I'm still jerking to old men online. I even had a few experiences prior, honestly not sure if it was good or not. Abit of both, yes I was aroused and acting out a fantasy but the dirty feeling was not worth the orgasm. It was the same each experience, I was left dirty, and confused. Wondering..WTF??!!

    So me and my girl move in together, yay! Were so happy, I have no doubt were meant to be together forever. Well she finds out I jerk to old men...no pleasant! We get through it, we push on. She moves on from it... I don't. I'm terrified, all I can think about is no more, never again, all for her, whatever it takes, no more old man stuff, easy! Well, not so easy. It consumes my mind, all i wonder is if I'm gay?? I have horrible anxiety, I become terrified of sex with my girl. Fear of no erection, its happened!! I can get hard to old men on porn though. Am I gay is all i can think about.

    That was 6 months ago and here I am. Closer to a drink than I've been since I quit! 6 months of non stop agonizing questioning, trying to give up the porn which is straight porn (old guy young chick) and not viewing erotica. I jerk to straight fantasties and think yay! I can be with my girl! Always followed by doubt...am i gay? I told my girl I think I might be gay. I just could not stand it, I cannot figure it out alone! And she needed to know...part of me wished she would leave so I could go get drunk and blow my brains out. She didnt, she loves me. She believes the old man stuff is just a fetish and even if I may be Bisexual I'm not all gay. Because I do enjoy our lovemaking, its just rare because I fear trying! Afraid I won't get hard. She is hurting and so am I. If I'm gay which I might be, I'm so scared about the future. I do not dig guys under 60, and the thought of kissing, cuddling is not happening. I've never loved a man like "that" either. So basically I think I can be with no one, that I'm doomed to be alone. My sponsor...he thinks I'm nuts. To everyone else, I am sober, good job, great woman who loves me despite my Bullshit. He doesnt understand this... I just wish I could relax, stop worrying and just love myself like she loves me. I just can't enjoy life, doubting, wondering if I'm always gonna be obsessed with this deals. I want to stop being afraid of sex with her, does that make me gay?? The fact I fear sex with my girl, despite loving her...am i gay? I feel nuts and screwed. I read so much stuff online.. I just can't be in denial. I cannot live dishonestly. I cannot hurt someone I love. But I am hurting her... She is waiting for me to sort myself out but I'm so confused. I want her, I love her but... I am unsure if the Old man thing is my sexuality.

    I do not know what to do. I love her, but I don't know if I'm gay or not. I have visited a shrink a few times recently, not much help yet. My thinking so messed up, I'm the craziest I've ever been. Thanks for reading my rant.
     
    #1 localfwbguy, Jan 20, 2013
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    Hi.

    Well, I don't think there's a super simple answer to your situation. You reference several things that might provide some insight to your situation, but it's sort of delicate asking about them. So feel free to respond by PM if you don't feel comfortable talking about them more publicly, but if you do respond in the thread, you may get other responses that could be helpful... so there are advantages either way. I'm just going to plunge in with the questions.

    -- You referenced jerking off to old men online. Is this something you've done since your early teen years, like soon after puberty? And are you talking about, say, webcamming with older guys at that age, or looking at older/younger porn, or both? If so, then it's possible that you've inadvertently "programmed" yourself based on the early sexual experiences you had while webcamming, to feel a sexual connection to older men. This is something you can change, but will probably require some time and therapy.

    -- The past drug use also complicates things because, particularly in the teen years, drug use can alter cognitive perceptions. Further, if you were engaged in trading sexual activity for drugs (which is not uncommon among teen addicts), that, too, can alter your perceptions about attractions.

    None of this makes you gay. It is still possible that you are gay, as drug use as a means of "numbing" from the sexual feelings is actually a very common thing among gay youth, but from the little you've said, I'd be more inclined to believe it's the stuff above, rather than repressed gay sexual attraction.

    Lastly, when you say you're still "jerking to old men online", are you talking about looking at porn, or about webcamming? It's an important difference, as the interaction and experience you get from porn vs. webcamming would be different.

    If you can fill in more about the above, it might be easier to get a better idea of what's going on. (Standard disclaimer: All of this is my opinion, and that and $4 will get you a cup of Starbucks. So no guarantees what I'm saying is correct, but I think it's at least a plausible explanation.)
     
    #2 Chip, Jan 20, 2013
  3. localfwbguy

    localfwbguy
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    Hey bud thanks for messaging me back on here. I never thought about some of those points. I guess once I got internet access I started looking around at stuff with and without friends. I was pretty young when I got into the old guy thing, probably right around puberty like 13 or so. I cannot honestly remember what I was thinking or feeling. I got into webcam stuff and porn from basically a friendly conversation in a chat room. That introduced me to an older guy cam/ dating site. When my addiction took off I actually had a using friend who was underage that would hustle for dope money, I never got into it, despite the opportunity but honestly did consider it a few times. When I was out using, at that period in my life i never questioned my sexuality, why I have no idea.

    Now the only thing I do is view porn. I basically look at straight porn or bi porn with 2 men and a girl. I guess I immagine doing the girl while the old guy is involved to. It just seems like that visual of the old guy gets me going. I used to look at a lot of gay porn, mature/mature, mature/younger, but after experiencing a few things I guess I don't prefer seeing it anymore. Maybe that is why I switched to straight, mature/younger porn.

    I guess I feel pretty shitty with the possibility that This is my sexuality. Hope this helps answer your questions some. Thanks for the opinions.
     
    #3 localfwbguy, Jan 21, 2013
  4. PeteNJ

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    First of all, congrats on being sober for 3 years. Hard work. And I hear your anxiety in your post, your questioning, your honesty.

    I'm in Alanon, I've had alcoholics/addicts in my life since I've been 22 (my ex wife, my daughter, who is about your age). I know well how very hard it is for you. Very well.

    Work the steps, work your program. Since I've been working on coming out and accepting myself I've gone back to step one, I really feel like its starting over again and unearthing more secrets. I'm in the rooms more than ever. Such total honesty, such love and acceptance.

    For me having lived with the secret of being gay is very much like living with the secrets of alcohol and drugs. I've done everything I can in life to make it look normal, seem fine, so no one suspects. And I do that over and over and over again until it becomes so normal and I never even try to think about the secret, but its always, fully there of course.

    I found keeping the secrets has screwed me up big time. Led to major depression. I've been suicidal. Since I've been seeing a shrink and joined men's coming out groups I feel like a fog has lifted, a huge burden (at least to them I'm out). But I've also found that there is so much f...ing stuff that I never processed, never dealt with, never was honest about. (my sexuality the least of it in some ways).

    I have no idea whether something like this might be true for you or not. I mention my story, since for me the parallels to keeping secrets is so strong a theme in my life.

    For me, the shrink has been fantastic. Does take a while to get things going. If the person you're seeing isn't working for you, then be honest about that with them. Find someone else who is specialized in working with men who are questioning their sexuality.

    I'm still with my girlfriend -- and that's getting more and more insane for me. Deep love for each other. But I can't talk about my sexuality with her, and I know I'm gay. I've had to tell her I just can't talk about a "future" with her, which has freaked her out. I do enjoy pleasuring her during sex, but I'm no longer so interested in it really for my pleasure. I can get hard and perform, but not come, its just not the same anymore.

    For me its about being inauthentic, not fully honest with her. And I know I will be (just can't quite yet).

    Have you been to any LGBT support groups? I've joined 2, a men's coming out group (since there is no question about that for me), and a more general discussion group. Believe me, I'm drop dead honest about myself in these groups, and I believe the other men/women in these groups are too. Its been a breath of fresh air, a lifeline.

    I'm sure you'd be welcome in a group like that. I was clearly told by several people -- glad you're here, ok to question, if you're gay fine, if you are not also fine.

    And yes, there have been plenty of discussions about all sort of sex stuff, some more kinky than I've ever been exposed to, some plain vanilla. I would think you hearing that might help.

    Peace.
     
    #4 PeteNJ, Jan 21, 2013
  5. Chip

    Chip
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    Are you comfortable talking about what happened here? That piece (that you used to watch gay porn and stopped) could be an important element in figuring out what's going on.

    Well... as I said above, if it's something that's a byproduct of what you were exposed to around puberty, then it's a conditioned response rather than an inherent, hardwired behavior, and likely if you processed it in therapy, you'd see some change. But I think there are still some pieces to unravel, such as the comment above.
     
    #5 Chip, Jan 21, 2013
  6. localfwbguy

    localfwbguy
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    Hey Chip, sorry for the long delay. I actually wasn't to sure how to word my response so ill just go for it. I stopped digging gay porn after I had some same sex experience. The porn, and fantasy I suppose did not match the reality. The person was different, it was awkward,etc and was not how I immagined it. So my preference changed because I realized that I didn't care for those particular acts. For one, I do not like invasive things happening to me so I don't really want to watch it or fantasize about it because I realized it wasnt for me. But, I still like watching old guys, just prefer them doing women or engaging in MMF. I actually remember before I started looking at gay stuff, I was reading erotic literature about young girls having sex with old guys from both perspectives.

    I am actually trying to give up porn and all erotica which includes looking at profiles online. I feel like my sexuality is based from porn, and eroticic literature. It kinda makes me feel like an island. I have no desire to seek a man for anything other than friends. I am scared that I will be impotent with women, but not be functional with men either. I suppose I really am sexually confused. I've been indulging in this stuff basically from the beginning.
     
    #6 localfwbguy, Jan 22, 2013
  7. Jim1454

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC.

    I'm glad you've come here to talk about this, and that you've been so up front and honest about everything. That's important.

    I too am in recovery - from sex addiction. So I know a thing or two.

    I was glad to read the last paragraph above - that you're going to give up all erotica and porn. It has nothing to do with reality - regardless of the genre. So just give it all up entirely and stick with reality. Work on being present all the time - because porn is definitely a form of escapism - at least for me.

    As a sex addict, I also maintainted total abstinence for a period of time. 90 days is the recommended minimum. No sex with self or anyone else. It allows the brain to settle down and reprogram itself. Taking a break might be good - you'd feel no pressure to engage with your girlfriend physically, and there would therefore be no fear of performance. It might allow the two of you to connect on a different level, and for you to see how that makes you feel. (You'd want to let her know that this is what you are doing. Don't just stop being intimate without telling her why.)

    If you find you can't stop, then you might have found another thing that you need to work on beyond drugs and alcohol. You wouldn't be the first. There are a number of people in my group that started in AA or NA to find that even when they were sober there they were acting out sexually and their lives were still unmanageable. (For me my alternate coping mechanism is eating - with is legal and socially acceptable, but still not healthy.)

    It's understandable that your sponsor doesn't understand what's going on. Most people wouldn't, because most people don't have to figure this out. Instead, working it through here and working with a therapist would be really helpful.

    In the end, you need to get back to a place of serenity. How have you done that before? You've probably relied on your Higher Power to help you. To carry for you the burdens that you couldn't carry for yourself. To listen for His guidance in one way or another. This situation is no different. If you can't figure this out right now, that's OK. Accept that you don't have an answer, and pray that He will help you arrive at an answer when the time is right.

    While I totally understand how this issue can be all-consuming, if you can step back from it just a bit you'll see that most of your life isn't affected really by your orientation. You can still do a great job at work. You can still play sports or enjoy your hobbies. You can still love and respect your girlfriend. You can keep going to meetings and working on your recovery. And whether or not you figure out you're gay today or 6 months from now doesn't really matter in the grand sceme of things. I just think the more calm and clear headed you can be, the sooner you'll arrive at an answer that makes sense to you.

    As Chip also offered, you can carry on the conversation here or you can speak to me one on one. (As I'm also a member of the 'staff' here you can send me as well as Chip a PM.)
     
    #7 Jim1454, Jan 23, 2013
  8. Akatosh

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    Recovered alcoholic with 3 years of sobriety. I would suggest not dating if you are wavering in your sobriety. I have tried a relationship with one woman and one man since I got sober, and neither of them fulfilled what I'm looking for. I'm no longer 'broken', and the people I was seeing were both broken people. They were looking to me to make them whole, and they were just a drag to be around. You should only be in a relationship with someone who is at, or above your emotional/mental health. Don't look to relationships to make you whole. Shit, have you tried bringing this up in a meeting? I've heard a lot of crazy shit in AA, and I realized how f****** crazy people are, including me. I never heard anyone talk down to anyone else for sharing themselves like you are here.

    While my orientation caused a lot of confusion, pain, drinking, drugging, it wasn't what caused the emptiness I felt. Give it to god, man. Or, door-knob, jacket zipper, or whatever you consider as something being greater than yourself.

    Good job at quitting at age 20. I had a lot more drinking to get through before I hit an absolute minimum, but I'm grateful for where may journey has led me today. I'm not telling you anything that you haven't heard in a meeting.
     
    #8 Akatosh, Jan 23, 2013
  9. Kgirl

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    I don't think you're gay, I think she's right it's just a fetish or whatever. I think the reason you're having problems having sex with your gf is because the doubts can eay at you and make you paranoid. Try and relax, and things should get better :slight_smile:
     
    #9 Kgirl, Jan 23, 2013
  10. localfwbguy

    localfwbguy
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    Hey fellow travelers of EC. Thanks for your replies. I am in a relationship with an outstanding human being who works a great program. I am not being dragged down by someone sick. A few things Yall posted I picked up. Jim, your right about relying on my HP and not getting totally bogged down by morbid thinking and worry. It makes living so much harder, and being off the beam really screws up my serenity. As far as the porn, everytime I use it "it is always the last time". I am having a hard time staying stopped though, kinda reminds me of substance addiction. I wuit everytime I passed out. I am really going to kick now, to let my mind clear, and stop the artificial pixels. Kgirl, thanks for your post too. I hope your right. Thanks guys.
     
    #10 localfwbguy, Jan 23, 2013
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