Telling my wife

Welcome to the EC.

This is a amazing step for you. But it will be hard, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
Just remember that if you are 100% sure that you're Gay, then this will be a first step to a better life for you.

((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

Just thought I'd give that out to you as I know first hand how tremendously hard coming out to yourself is. Especially when your married. I have been there myself. But each of us go through this part differently, but please remember LOVE yourself enough to take each step for YOU. Although there will be pain and suffering for all involved, it is not all bad.

Many people here have gone through similar situations and come out better than before.

Please feel free to ask any questions. We at the EC will try to give you honest answers that hopefully will help you in your new journey.

Be well

 

Disclaimer: I'm pretty new here, and all of this is pretty new to me in general. But I just recently went through something similar.

Similarities between me and you : I needed to tell my SO something about as devastating, I'm in an established couple, more or less no sex over the last 3 years, SO feels bad about herself, sex "as a guy" with her was lousy for both of us.

Differences : We've been together 7 years and I proposed over 5 years ago but we aren't married, not involved in a church, no kids, my secret was that I'm a woman, fiancee knew I cross dressed, I did (still do) desire her sexually, I knew about myself for a long time.

I can tell you for sure only what I know from what I did wrong; the dust hasn't settled. But here goes my experience

* Give her time. However much time you're planning, double that.

* Get a thick skin, you're going to need it. You've been at the relationship game longer than I have so you know how easy it is to get defensive.

* Plan on her denying it. Mine still says some hurtful things like saying that this part of me that's caused a lot of painful problems my whole life is a "crazy fantasy". Figure out who you are before you talk to her, and let this stuff slide. She's just shocked.

* Stand your ground. If you don't think this is something that you can "fix" then say so. Do some research if you think you can. I'm not here to convince you but the statistics probably will.

* Be honest with her. This is the hardest thing. But all the way, everything matter-of-fact

* If things get too dramatic and emotionally charged, just leave.

* I didn't touch alcohol the whole time. You're older, stronger, and wiser than me. If I can avoid it so can you. If it hurts, what you can do is

* Talk to a friend. You're a leg up on me; I had to come out to one to do this.

* A lot of people who aren't me wrote a letter. Reading their experiences, that seems to work better than the way I did it. Honorable shouldn't be your goal; softening the blow and being kind to the woman who gave you over 2 decades should be your goal. But DO be there in person so she has a chance to respond.

* And again, you probably already know this, but any disagreement (and this is one) with your SO goes better if you remind yourself that you love the person you're talking to.

Of course your relationship is completely different from mine (and problem is a little different). I'm just hoping at least one or two of those will help make things easier for you. It's gonna be rough, especially if you still love the woman you realized you aren't attracted to. And it'll be a "day at a time" for a while even after you tell her.

 

Hi,

Same boat as you.

I am not sure telling her I am gay is a good truth to share.

It may do far more harm than good, or vice versa.

I am unsure of that aspect.

You have a number of friends here in the same boat at various stages.

Tom

 

If you don't tell her you'll be living a lie. Are you sure you want to do that? I think you know already what problems that can bring. There's also no way that it can be good for your health.

 

Hello,

There is no lie in sparing another person news or truth that you know will devestate them.

Just because something is true does not mean you share it with another.

Sure it is empowering for the gay person for it strips every hope of recourse from the spouse. There is no "lets work this out", there is no "maybe counciling". It is like tossing a hand grenade into a basket of puppies. There is very little chance of this truth doing the spouse good.

Simply saying "I am no longer happy in the marriage" is an equal truth and does far less damage.

Every situation is unique, every person will find their own solution, but it does not require destroying the spouse so you can be happy. Many times a well couched truth is far better than devastating truth.

I suspect unless a person is married for many years they cannot appreciate the complexities of a situation like this.

A good example is my fathers death. There was no hope but the doctor kept him alive on machines until my mother was ready to let him go. The doctor never told her the truth of the situation.

There is far more to truth than simply sharing it. Truth without empathy can be a bludgeon.


Stuck

 

Stuck, I don't really agree with what you are saying there. It's kind of patronizing, actually. Is your wife an equal partner, or a child you are taking care of, that needs to be sheltered from the harsh truths of your life? Also, if your problem in the marriage is your sexuality, then your wife doesn't have to feel like you are somehow unhappy with her. Do you really think leaving the cause of your unhappiness a mystery is going to be better? But yeah, your wife is an adult woman who is supposed to be a full partner, not a baby or a puppy.

free2b, Welcome to Empty Closets!

If your wife feels like she is no longer desirable because of the MS, don't you think it will be better for her to know that your lack of interest in her is for another reason, that is nothing about her personally?

I don't know about your particular church, but I assume it's not a reconciling church based on the fact that you present your membership there as being an issue. (Contrary to popular belief, there are many Christian churches that are supportive of gay people.) Perhaps people from your church would be willing to watch a speech (maybe it's a sermon? I'm not religious enough to know) by a young man named Matthew Vines. It's the best I've ever seen for reconciling homosexuality and the Christian faith. I'll embed the video, and you should be able to find his website by googling his name. It's a very thorough Bible study of the issue.

When we come out, we are sometimes surprised to find that many people change their opinions about homosexuality, rather than changing their opinions about us. Often, their ideas about homosexuality are more or less just theoretical until they realize that someone they know well is gay, and knowing a real gay person humanizes the issue and can really transform the way they think. This is especially true if you are a respected person, or have some clout in the community. (If you have a particularly homophobic pastor, or if your church tends to focus intensively on anti-gay rhetoric, of course, this may not apply.)

Your kids are in an age group that is largely accepting of LGBT people, do you have any idea what their opinions are?

Here's Matthew Vines:

[YOUTUBE]ezQjNJUSraY[/YOUTUBE]

 

If you do come out to her, what is your goal or do you envision happening next?

 

That's a tuff one, deep down I'm sure my wife pretty much knows I'm gay.it would not be a big surpriseto her at all if I confirmed it. She has kept score with all the red flags

 

This is so interesting to me... How did you do it? I mean I hear quite abit about people living a lie about their sexual life and having kids, but I mean how did you force yourself to ignore your feelings and actually get an erection with a woman? I don't wan to sound patronizing, I am just so curious cause I have tried to have similar feelings for women, I even tried masturbating to women in porn to try and convince myself I wasn't gay but I mean I just didn't feel anything. How did you do it?