While I hate to be that person that goes all "check your privilege" on everybody, I'm really frustrated at the moment, and I feel the need to try to explain the extent to which commonplace events can be triggering to trans* people in just one day. I hope this has the potential to be educational to some extent. TRIGGER WARNING: I will be directly quoting offensive statements. Some of which contain profanity. If you are easily offended or triggered than either please abstain from this thread, or proceed with caution. I had a work meeting this morning at 9 AM. I show up and nearly the first thing I hear in the morning is a coworker saying, "I had to open the store three days in a row. It was fucking gay as hell." He would proceed to use that term a couple more terms in front of me in the very short time I was around him that day. I realize that is more homophobic than transphobic (oh and fact that my computer underlines transphobic as NOT EVEN A WORD is offensive too! Not to mention gender neutral pronouns, etc.), but still its upsetting. So we are in the meeting and my store manager makes the following joke, "You should be in a good mood at work whether you are coming from x, or y, or a cross dresser's meeting. Right Carl?" (Insert laughter after joke). Now, this may not be THE most offensive thing in the world, but sitting in a room where I'm out to one person present, feel very androgynous looking, and AM PHYSICALLY TRANSITIONING IN THIS WORK ENVIRONMENT, you can understand why it made me feel really uncomfortable. Then a co-worker who I am out to says that that is offensive, and the meeting continues as usual. Later she approaches him and he continues to write it off as if he did nothing wrong. If he had just apologized I wouldn't have cared, but the fact that a complaint was made and instead of apologizing for his behavior he just said he did nothing wrong really upsets me. So I go home after the meeting and in the other room my mom is watching some show with my sisters about a gay guy who pretended to be a girl online and talked to guys. She proceeded to berate the individual (I'm going to assume male pronouns though I haven't watched the episode to really know what their gender identity truly is) and she proceeds to shout things like, "I feel so sorry for the guy talking to him getting tricked like that." "WELL YEAH HE'S A DUDE!" and basically just continues saying triggering thing after triggering thing. Considering I first started questioning my gender BY identifying as a girl online makes this especially harmful. So I get ready for work. I get to work with the coworker I'm out to, and I really try to at least look androgynous. I get my hair in a pony tail (which I have to do now since a customer complained about it), abstain from wearing my name tag, shave my face and arms, to me it seems my cleavage is noticeable, and I put in contacts so I don't have to wear my masculine glasses, yet STILL I GET CALLED SIR BY CUSTOMERS! Its so upsetting to get called sir when you think you look more like a girl than a guy. I'm not even expecting a ma'am. I just don't want them to say sir. Is it too much to ask for me to hope I'm androgynous looking enough that people would not assume my gender? So after the continued drudgery of my 9 hour shift, I get off work. I offer my coworker's child's mother (I hate the term "baby momma") a cigarette trying to be polite despite the fact that I don't know her well. She proceeds to vehemently exclaim, "No that's disgusting! I mean its okay for you because you're a guy. It doesn't really matter for guys like you. With girls we actually have to care about our appearance though." YET AGAIN, I say that's hypocritical. I try to point out the folly of their sexist statement, but just get argued against that their is nothing offensive about the statement. I want desperately to point out that I'm trans, that nothing on Earth is worse than being lumped into the category of a "guy" to me, but I can't. I'm too fucking scared and that forces me to loathe myself. So I head home, broken and defeated. All of this has happened, TODAY, in about a 14 hour period. This is what being a transitioning adult is like for one day. I used to roll my eyes when I heard such phrases and memes as, "check your privilege," and "die cis scum," and I still disagree with the message they send. These sort of messages reaffirm an us and them mentality, which does not help to make progress. Yet, I understand how people can easily get into this mindset. I certainly have a pent up rage against mainstream society. Its hard to have events like this happen every day that seem so mundane to others, but make you feel like shit. It makes you feel angry, depressed, alone, and misunderstood. It is a struggle to maintain normality in the wake of all these emotions. This is not a sob story, or even an appeal for any sort of advice. I guess I'm just hoping this will help give people some sort of understanding of what it is many people go through on a regular basis, and why nearly half of them choose to attempt to take our own lives. Its no surprise to me at all. To all LGBTQQIAAP out there, thank you for reading, and I wish every bit of my sympathy to you for your struggles as well, be they from any source.
Thank you for sharing. It is very eye opening to see what can be considered a trigger for you. I'll be sure to be more careful as to not trigger for other people.
It's funny; even though I wanted to be a girl, before puberty hit and I got big and facial hairy, I would get a huge flood of embarrassment if I got "ma'amed" or "are you a girl" in public. I had longer hair and some naturally feminine features like my eyelashes and curves. Nothing that didn't get completely dwarfed by my huge eyebrows later (which I can't do anything about as long as I'm going out dressed up like a man every day) or my frame and voice. There was always a good feeling underneath, especially when I replied to a "ma'am" with a "why yes thank you" or something, but mostly it was just "oh no oh no I forgot something shit shit shit how could I be so stupid". Makes you grow up really paranoid and not very genuine around people. The funny part though is, those are warm memories now. Reading about how you got "sir"ed makes me realize transitioning can lead right back to some of that all over again. I guess it's just not very easy either way, "sir" or "ma'am". Other people just have to be able to drop you in a bucket before they talk to you. I'm not much better; I definitely know I fit in only one bucket. Believe me I tried the rest. That's what I try to keep in mind talking to people. Some of their crap is just inexcusable, but most of it falls under "never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity". No one knows who wrote that quote but it's something called "Hanlon's Razor" I learned about a while ago, and it covers a lot of situations. But yeah, the best answer if you're going for not making someone you're talking to feel like a circus sideshow, is to just leave the sirs and ma'ams out. It affects people more than you'd think it does. That Bob Seger song "on the road again" sums it up really, really well; "All the same old cliches, is that a woman or a man" and the way stuff like that just drains you and exhausts you.
J Snow, Let me start by saying that it is because of your post's and the post's of many other transgender members of EC that has lead me to a better understanding, compassion, and admiration towards the transgender community. Though we share many of the same struggles, there are many that are unique to the transgender community that I was previously unaware of. I will do everything in my power to promote a safe and encouraging environment for the transgender community in all my future endeavors. You are beautiful person, a strong woman, and an inspiration to the LGBTQQIAAP community. Thank you for sharing.
thanks for sharing this, J Snow. it's very eye-opening. i try to always be particularly mindful of trans* issues, but it's obvious from reading about your day, as well as from reading things by other trans* people, that i still have so far to go. it's also obvious that society needs to be beaten over the head with a stick before society as a whole will get it has a whole lot further to go. :/ i would like to be someone that a trans* person feels they can lean on and confide in should they want to, so i will keep trying to make myself more aware of these things. thanks again for sharing.
I am sad, and scared. Sad, because it is clear that society doesn't understand us and our plight, or they just simply doesn't care. Scared, because when such apathetic attitude is so common, I don't know what will happen to us.
Took the words out of my mouth. Thank you for sharing this, really. I'm so sorry to hear of the struggles you go through due to the ignorance brought of those in daily life. I wish others could have even just one ounce of sympathy for their own neighbours, co-workers, friends, what have you. Ignorance is not bliss. I wish the best for you as life continues on.
