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Suffocating in the closet- Help :(!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MidnightSky, Jan 21, 2013.

  1. MidnightSky

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    Hey everyone!

    I thought I should share my story here and get some advice about my tough situation.

    I am 19 years old currently attending college. I've been struggling with my sexuality for 7 years or maybe even more. As far as I can remember from my childhood, I was never a typical kid. I was and still am a very emotional person in a feminine way. I remember my friend talking to me about girls and how sexy they look and I would try to convince myself that I feel the same way but I never did..

    Around the age of 12, I was introduced to the world of porn which I explored intensively seeking an answer to many questions I had. I remember I started looking at straight porn yet my attention will be focused with the male porn stars only. Soon afterwards I discovered gay porn and found a deeper pleasure and attraction to it. For a couple of years I convinced myself that I was straight but enjoyed gay porn.. All through high school, I faked crushes towards girls just to blend in with my friends and tried convincing myself that I was sexually attracted to girls, while I never was.


    Last year, I believe, was the first time I sat with myself and said "I think I am gay"! But every fiber in my being fought against my own feelings. I lived all my life in an Arabic country and I come from a religious Christian family. To all my family and friends, being gay is a sin and a wrong choice in life. I tried to act like it's a choice and deny it.. that didn't really work as most of you know :icon_sad:.


    But this year things changed a bit allowing me to start debating again with myself. I moved to the states, yet with family members who live with me, for college and I started seeing all these happy gay people on campus who accept themselves and I think I finally came to the conclusion that I am gay and that there is nothing I can do about. Problem is, I can never come out to my family or friends as I'm sure they won't accept me. They criticize me harshly whenever I act gayishly in a situation and mock me for days.. I am yearning for a relationship. This year I will be 20 years old and I am a virgin with no sexual life whatsoever.

    What do you guys think I can do? I have 1 new friend who asked me if I was gay and I denied it before but she mentioned she will accept me either way. I am considering coming out to her.. but what's next? Can I ever date? Will I ever have a real relationship?
    What would you do if you were in my place??


    Sorry for the long post but it's the first time I ever post or discuss this and it's really killing me, living in this lie! I would really appreciate all your advice and suggestions. Thank you all.
     
  2. lighttheway

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    IM IN THE EXACT SAME BOAT! Your not alone :/
     
  3. shovelman

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    Well does are the questions some of us ask our selves and I can tell you that I was in that situation just recently so I know how much it sucks to not be able to be your true self because of the fear of being reject and denied by the people we love but it also does sound like this friend of yours could be understanding which can actually really help if you want to let her know but only do it if you feel comfortable enough to tell her. She already said she would be fine if you were gay which means that she has opened her door, now it's up to you if you want to take the chance. Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  4. Desolado

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    And here I'm thinking that I'm the only one in this kind of situation. I think you should come out to your friend. She sounds like a very nice person and open-minded. Once you have someone close to you to talk about your feelings, you'll feel so much better. God knows I wish I had a friend like yours so I could talk with them and be myself. Good luck and do what makes you feel happy. :slight_smile:
     
  5. needshelp

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    the first step is actually telling somebody offline face to face. it doesn't have to be your friend though. try looking for the lgbt club at your school or if you feel uncomfortable doing that in fear of someone outing you, look for one off campus.
     
  6. OMGWTFBBQ

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    lots of posts like this. l know it probably seems like your family is like your closest ties to your "real life" or you feel safest with them, maybe, because you're not from the US. ls that wrong?

    ultimately l think you'll find that you're going to have more in common with and feel more at home with the American gay community and that you'll probably have to leave your family behind if they oppose you.

    Seems awful now, maybe but l think soon enough you will feel fine with it.
     
  7. remainnameless

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    I am pretty much in the exact same position. I'm not out at all, my entire family is very Christian, and I have a friend who I know will accept me so I'm debating whether or not to come out to her. I seriously desire a relationship so much, but it just isn't possible for me right now. I don't have much advice, but just know you are definitely not alone in this, and I know exactly how it feels. The first and best step I think would be to come out to your friend though, that's my next step. If you do, let me know how it goes!
     
  8. MidnightSky

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    Hey!

    I took my chances and I told that friend of mine and she said she guessed it and she will accept me and love me just like she used to :slight_smile:!
    For an hour after telling her, I was in a state of shock! I never thought I'd share that with anyone. Honestly it was a huge relief just to tell someone "I DON'T LIKE GIRLS!!!! Men are sexier!!!" lol..

    But for some reason, I don't think coming out to her solved anything other than giving me a brief relief. I think I will actually feel better once I find a guy who understand me and maybe start dating someone, even if in the closet. I don't really know where to take it from here but I'm trying to slow down a bit.

    I'd suggest coming out to your friend! Even though it's not a complete solution, it's surely a relief to know someone out there know and you can actually talk to someone about it.

    ---------- Post added 21st Jan 2013 at 08:03 PM ----------

    First of all, I would like to thank everyone for their time and replies. It feels good to know you're not alone!

    I came out to 1 friend who suspected I was gay for a long time and she loves gay people and thankfully she accepted me (!). But now I don't know what's next.

    I am really dying to date someone :tears: and actually experience being in a relationship but I don't know if I have such an option. What do you guys think?

    Thanks again everbody!
     
  9. remainnameless

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    Sweet, that's great! :icon_bigg

    And about dating, I get you but I'm not so sure, seeing as how I'm in the same situation :dry: