I have an interesting situation with a special someone. I came across this site doing a Google search to see if I could find any advice and thought I’d share the story here. If anyone has any opinions or advice, I would much appreciate it. I don’t have many gay friends that I can really talk to on a more serious level, so I’m kind of stuck. I’ll try to make this long situation short and still give some background detail. Roughly 10 years ago I met this guy on AOL and we met up for a hook-up, he was hot, it was fun, etc. etc. We met a few more times and there was, for some reason, something about him I just didn’t like. I stopped responding to him on chat, email, phone calls, etc. Now I was 21 years old back then, extremely immature and still not clear on what I wanted…so maybe that’s why I put him off. I was gay and knew I was; this guy was straight/curious, possibly bi but extremely closeted. He was married once, divorced, with another woman and now currently separated. He has 3 children of his own and considers 3 others his children/step-children as well. Maybe this is why I was turned off. This guy has never let me go. Through 10 years he’s tried to get in touch with me. At times I would be downright rude to him, ignore him, and hang up on him. There were even times when he’d catch me when I wasn’t expecting it by calling me from various numbers or blocked ID. Me being the pu**y I used to be would agree to meeting up because I couldn’t say no; then just blow him off. Flash forward to May of 2012. I finally said to myself, “OK, he’s still around for a reason – the universe must have some plan.” I decided to just hang out with him and go with the flow of things and find out what happens. We’ve spoken every single day since then to present day, Jan. 21, 2013, with the exception of maybe a few days. We get together 2 or 3 days per week. We talk to each other about issues (well, he does more of the talking and I listen – sometimes giving advice). We have a good time once a week or every other week if you know what I mean. We have our separate lives and respect each other in that area. We aren’t controlling with each other. If you had to label the relationship, we’re best friends with an exceptional benefit who accept each other for who we are with no judgment. I couldn’t ask for a better person in my life! So now that it’s been about 8 months I’m now realizing that I’m falling in love with this guy even though I said to myself at the very beginning that this would be an open/fun time with no emotions attached. Sometimes when I think about him I see this guy who just wants to have a great relationship in his life, he wants to be loved and accepted. He’s been through a lot of negative experiences with women and is somewhat struggling now with his life (financially). These feelings started creeping up around November. On New Year’s Eve he sent me a message saying I’m so happy that I have someone like you in my life and that really did it in. I feel like he always wants to take it further but is very affraid. If you were me…how would you proceed? I’m thinking I just need to put this out on the table and say, “you know it’s been 8 months now and here’s how I feel.” He’ll either say he feels the same way, which I think there is a slight possibility that he does, and that would be a WIN. Or he’ll freak out and run away which would also be a WIN because what I want and can’t have would be gone and that’s much healthier for me in the long run. Or finally, he’ll say that he doesn’t feel that way and stay which could be a LOSE. If he does feel the same way, I know that’s fragile with the M4M issue and I’m OK with that and accept it. Everyone is on a different path. Bottom line – I think what I want is exactly what I have with the addition of some intimacy with the sex. Someone to love. Thank you to anyone who has read this. PS…I wrote this relatively quickly and I apologize for any typos.
Hi..read through this and I think you should 'go for it'.It sounds like the 2 of you 'are made for each other' so why not take it forward. I took me about 1 year after I met 'my guy' to eventually agree to live together and it came down to exactly what you said about bottom line.. so go on,make a go of it...
Hi, and welcome to EC. First, I have to say it's refreshing to read a post with the honesty and perspective that you have on the situation. Right now, your friend has the best of both worlds: He doesn't have to 'upset the apple cart' by coming out to his wife, and he gets to have you and be with you. Assuming that he is more gay than bi (which we don't know, but is probably a reasonable assumption given how tenacious he's been at keeping in touch with you), the current arrangement is really convenient for him... but it's really unfair to both you and his wife. You, because it's in essence keeping you from having a full, meaningful relationship, either with him or with someone else. Her, because she (most likely) assumes that he's being faithful to her. So I think communicating to him about this is important. Of course, you're going to have to be resolute and firm and hold your ground (i.e., being willing to end the relationship and search for one that's healthy for you) in order to get any change from him, because, as I said, this arrangement is extremely comfortable for him and the only way he'll change is if it becomes uncomfortable enough that the fear of change is greater than the discomfort of staying where he is (alone, and without you.) The trick is going to be standing firm if he doesn't want to change, and getting a definite date commitment by which he will have made the change. (Otherwise, he'll promise to tell her and just keep putting it off.) If you can do that, then it's likely, assuming he has the same feelings for you, that with help, firm boundaries, and support... he could make the commitment. And there are a whole host of issues he'll have to face with his wife and family, and he'll need help and support for that, either from a therapist, a community like EC, or both. Let us know how it goes, and what you decide!
Thanks to both of you for your insights. Chip..I never even thought about some of your points, he is probably very comfortable right now. One thing to note is that he is single, his former marriage ended years ago and he split up with his latest girlfriend in 2011. I'm definitely going to bring this up over the next month or so. I'm not asking him to come out to anyone though...him declaring to everyone that he's gay and dating me wouldn't really serve me in anyway. It comes down to an intimacy issue for me. I'll keep the board posted for sure.
In the short term, I agree with you. If he's owning the fact he wants to be in a relationship with you, that's a great start toward his self-acceptance. But I'd suggest that you have a conversation with him, if you go down that route toward a relationship, about eventually coming out because in the long term... it isn't going to be healthy for you to be in a relationship with a closeted guy. You'll feel invisible because you won't be able to do holidays with his family, or meet his friends (at least, with who you really are) and so forth. It doesn't have to happen quickly, but I do think that setting the expectation that this is important to you in the long run helps to ensure the relationship is healthy for both of you... and regardless of what he is thinking now, he will ultimately be happier if he's out, because it's impossible to be closeted and not have a ton of shame.
My question would be, if you're falling in love with him and say he does have the same feelings, what is the final result. Dmyou see yourself wanting a full relationship and just more then intimacy after sex? I say go for it, but really think about how what you want could possibly change to wanting more.
