Hello everyone, I'm Billy I'm 18 and gay in the gypsy community. I haven't ever been able to tell anybody I know that I'm because, much like Muslims, coming out in the gypsy community could potentially be very dangerous and in some circumstances, even life threatening. Being a gypsy boy you are supposed to be a real man. You are supposed to participate in various violent sports such as bare-knuckle boxing and rugby, but all my life I've been more interested in watching Britney Spears' tour DVD's. The only way I could ever come out would be to just leave my family completely and leave them a note or something. This would mean never speaking to seeing any of them again. I am so torn between my emotions, because I want to be able to just be me and be happy ~ But at the same time I love my family and don't want to be alone in the worlds. Over the past couple of weeks I have been trying to find other people like me, other gay gypsies. The ones that are my age are strongly in denial and want to just meet for sex and then not even discuss anything after. Some of them get seriously offended if you even mention the word 'gay'. The ones that accept themselves are around 30 years old, but are still closeted. They feel the same way I feel, but repress their feelings. That is what has scared me so much. Even though right now not leaving doesn't even seem like an option to me, I am terrified that I might end up like these people and deep into my 30's still be hiding behind a lie. I really don't know whether I should stay and be miserable, or go and eventually build a new life for myself.
Do you have any close friends you can come out to? It sounds like you have a tough family to deal with. If you know they'll be hostile towards you, the best idea would be to move out. Will you be able to support yourself without your family? In the end, I think we all have to find our own happiness and leave the people who won't accept you for who you are. (*hug*)
do you have any friends outside your community? i know well... i have watched a tv show on gypseys and they cant mix with others outside the community. but if you have friends outside then, perhaps talk to them? or do you have anyone inside who you can talk to either? or if not then maybe go to a dr and get some help by counselling or something.
I don't have any friends outside of the community, because people are very judgmental towards gypsies here in the UK. They think we're all the same, when actually we're all very different. Most ARE illiterate, prejudice ass holes ~ But some are like me, lol. I've had to find friends online and the ones that are like me are too scared to even give their real name half of the time. Not coming out doesn't seem like an option to me, but so many just hide and marry someone conventional and then do random hook-ups. That isn't really the life I want. Thank you so much for your comments, I feel better knowing that people have read what I am going through. To the person that replied first, I earn my own money but my dad helps me keep track of it. I'm not dependent on my family really. To the second poster, I don't know how I'd feel about counselling. It'd make me feel like I was less dignified and mentally stable than I am even though I know I wouldn't be seeing one for my mental welfare. Does that make sense?
^l go back and worth with the idea of counselling, sometimes l do consider it just because being a closet case really has made me a headcase in some ways. But l also feel like what you said, l don't like the idea of treating my situation like a mental health issue and ALSO l feel like when l am around that system and mental health professionals l come out feeling worse and like l've been made to feel like l have more problems than l actually do(and l am MUCH less fcked up than many people, lol). But seriously billy l think you need to try and get outside of your community. Life is too short to live within a subset of a larger society if it means you're not being yourself. You seem likable and well spoken enough. l know people do have a thing about gypsies but l mean...is it weird to ask if you can like, make yourself a less obvious gypsy? lol
Hi, and a belated welcome to EC. From what I know of the gypsy community, it is extremely insular and private, and judgmental, so I can imagine how difficult it would be to try to come out in that environment. I suspect that it may ultimately be that you need to leave the family (and the gypsy family) in order to be yourself. And that's likely a very, very tall order, because from what I understand, the extended family of the gypsy clans is such a part of life that being without it likely seems almost impossible. What I would suggest is, if that is a possibility for you, of beginning to think about where you'd want to establish yourself -- preferably somewhere with a vibrant gay community -- and perhaps try and meet some people online from those areas. Not just gay people, but people in the community. If you're concerned about the stigma of being a gypsy, you wouldn't have to let anyone know (at least at the outset) of your heritage. I think that given the choice of staying closeted and marrying for convenience and constantly cheating... or living a life of authenticity by yourself, I think that probably your best choice in the long term is to live an open and honest life, and work on creating a new family from those you meet and connect with. Many gay men have successfully done that, and often the families we create for ourselves can be much better and healthier than the ones we are born into.
I'm not really an obvious gypsy, lol. I dress stylishly and I speak articulately. I get a huge reaction from family members because I wear skinny jeans (they think that in itself is a gay thing to do). I am considering the counselling though, even if it would just be to talk to somebody about my situation in real life. ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2013 at 07:39 AM ---------- Yeah, I agree. I'm starting to make friends in the gypsy community that are like me, but they are making me feel even worse because they make their situations out to be some kind of huge fucked up illness. Most of them think that they are wrong, whereas I am very open minded and know that sexuality isn't a choice. I think that I will end up moving to Brighton or something, since its the most gay-friendly place in the UK. It'll just be hard, because I know for a fact that none of my family will ever want anything to do with me again and will most probably consider me dead or some kind of devil.
Hi there, there were recently some TV programmes in the UK about 'gypsies' and whilst they helped me to gain an insight into the 'gypsie' community ,only you will be able to say how 'realistic' these programmes were. Having said that it sounds like you are able to have 'outside' contacts and you can use the internet..so you will also know about other 'gay-related sites' more relevant to the UK. If you are mobile then maybe going around some gay clubs or gay events --pride days in the major ciites-- is a possibility? I would say generally ---and it's very general-- the gay community is open minded and the fact that you belong to the gypsy community wont really matter ;you'll be accepted as who you are...
Could you build up your own life outside the gypsy community? A lot of youngsters in South Africa go see the world when they leave school. They go work in places like London and some end up finding love, settling down and staying there, creating a new life for themselves outside of the culture that they come from. They still come back to visit family and friends, but they have their own lives. Leaving doesn't mean writing your family off and I can't imagine a family writing a child off just because they want to spread their wings to go and explore. As of coming out of the closet, no need to do that just yet. Build up a life outside and once you are established and have a life outside of the community you can decide whether they need to know or not.
Those shows aren't very realistic. They hide some things and exaggerate others. I'm not like most gypsies, in the sense that I have a proper education and that I'm quite open-minded. I will be mobile soon and as soon as I am, I will be going to those types of places. I'm glad to hear that, although I think I may have to hide it from most people. Some gypsies do deserve their bad reputations. ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2013 at 10:06 AM ---------- I don't mean to sound negative, but I'm not really sure this is an option. In the community I live in, you don't leave until you marry. It is a very taboo thing to do.
I don't really have a lot of advice for you... But I can definitely appreciate your situation. I'm pretty strongly wrapped up in my own community and being out is just not acceptable. There's really no easy way out. So I guess I'm just saying I know a similar pain to you. I've come to the conclusion that most likely, giving up certain things will be required to obtain the happiness we want.
Yeah. I think the sacrifices will be worth it in the end. We can't continue to repress ourselves. I'm gonna go read your blog entries, lol.
