Hey, I'm making this thread as a vent but maybe to get some insight if I can. I've seemed to have been stuck in a rut for a while now, not just to do with orientation but everything in my life doesn't seem to progress, but this is mainly about orientation. For background here's some info: I still live with my parents, which isn't really an issue, but the want to be out on my own is immense. I don't have enough financial stability as of right now though to move out, due to a lack of a better job. I have been looking into school for a long time but not knowing what I want to dish that much money out for is really stressful and I end up overthinking every course I look at until I end up doing nothing. Alright, well as for orientation I'm gay, known as long as I can remember, and for the most I think I'm comfortable with it, but only really in the last 2 year's or so. The things that are bothering me is that I am 21, and have only let one person know in my life so far, but that was it, there's been no further progress beyond that. I've never really been questioned about it by people in my life, I don't have a lisp or anything to really have anyone want to, everyone's just assumed I'm straight. I used to be thankful for that. When I was little I had to witness the harassment and exclusion of a family friend for being gay and that terrified me. There was also a time my mom saw the history on the pc after I forgot to erase it, and had a speech about how disgusting it is and I promised that I wasn't gay and never will be. There's a few more things, but that should be enough background to understand where my fear is coming from to come out. I am deathly afraid to be open about it to people, and even telling one person feels like its walking off the side of a building, there's no coming back, once they know they know, and it will feel like the entire time I've known them would have been a lie. The other thing I struggle with is feeling restricted with what I can do because of it. I know its irrational but I feel out of place being interested in more redneck stuff like fishing, camping, trucks, hunting and stuff. Most of my friends are subtly homophobic and when I hear things it feels so emasculating. I've been becoming a shut in, spending most of my time alone in my room, without the people in my life knowing how depressed i feel. It's getting to the point where if I don't do something I'm going to sink too deep to actually pull myself out. I'm not sure if there is too much advice I can be given that I haven't been given before, but its good to get all this off my chest every once and a while. Thanks for reading.
I'm probably similar to you, at 20 I knew I was gay and needed to move out to get my head together (although I had told no one). I threw my hard earned money into a house and moved out thinking my life would change for the better. Unfortunately six years later I have managed to tell the sum total of one person I was gay and that only happened a few weeks ago. I am still living alone which I know is completely my own fault, I could ring my parents now and tell them and suffer no comeback (can't throw me out out of my own house can they) but I still don't as there are more things at play than simply living with them. I have often felt borderline depressed (I prefer to say as my favourite comedian says "clinically fed up"), none of my friends apart from the one I have told do I feel could comprehend with me coming out, would I feel happy bringing a boyfriend to a pub with them? Fuck no, within minutes some sort of homophobic comment would come out which is just in their nature and there is nothing I am ever going to do to change them. You probably could not tell I was gay either but they come in all shapes and sizes, nothing makes me happier than taking apart my car or doing something stereotypically manly and nothing would interest me less than listening to lady gaga or madonna. I find myself just thinking sometimes I will just cut facebook and the like out of my life, ignore when my friends ring and just sit at home feeling sorry for myself but at some point I have to get out of the rut and do something to make me happy. Not sure any of that is constructive but basically I am saying there probably needs to be more to make you truly happy than moving out from home, I did it and I am afraid to say it has not helped.
Thanks for replying. I've just always wanted to have my own house, I know it won't help me with coming out or anything, I get enough privacy now to do things on my own if I wanted to be more out. When it comes to wanting my own place, the background of that is I need to get more stable career wise first. My jobs a dead end piece of crap, so I've been looking at other options. I get the thing about bringing a boyfriend to a pub, I can't even imagine my friends thinking of me as gay let alone doing something like that though.
Wow, I can relate to your story a lot. I completely understand your apprehension about coming out. I'm not out to my family or friends, except for one. No one would guess I'm gay as far as I know, and I'm a bit of a redneck too. I love guns, the outdoors, and my truck! It really does hurt when people say negative things about gays, because I know their opinion of me would change if they knew about my sexuality. I've also struggled with depression, although it's not as bad as it used to be. I don't have too much advice to give, but I would say that moving out on your own is a good goal to have. I currently go to college out of state, but I still feel pretty restricted when I come back home. Even if you're stuck at home for now, in the mean time, you can still try making some new friends who are gay or who you can be open about your sexuality with. That's one of my biggest goals right now. That way you have someone you can talk to about what you're going through without worrying about what they'll think or about losing a valued relationship. I know it might be hard to find somebody who also shares your interests, but they are out there. There's also the option of coming out to your friends and/or family. I know that's easier said than done, and it depends on who your friends are. But there's a chance that you might change their perception of gays by breaking the stereotypes and they might rethink their views. I know you've probably thought of all of this before, but at least you know you're not the only one in this situation. Best of luck!
