My dad is an asshole! :(

i would have snapped already personally

 

I am a very shy person and I rarely get vocal with my dad when having an argument. It seems like your father has a huge tendency to be a homophobe. That's so sad, I feel for you! But it seems like your mother at least is a bit more understanding when it comes to this. Try talking it out with her first, if you feel like it after cooling down and preparing yourself?
I wish you the best of luck!

 

Hi,

I would have left the flyers in the trash.

Stuck

 

Oh, dear. (*hug*) While I'm sure they arent trying to be extremely offensive, they are definitely very uneducated and misled on the reality homosexual/bisexuality. Usually, in these siutation people will think that they are right and being "realistic" and you are just being defensive because you are gay.

What I would do is call their bluff. Since they want to start throwing information out to you and not listening to your opinion, start asking questions. About Everything. About sex, stds, gay life and lifestyles, etc. Passively grill them lol.

There is a saying that you never know how much you dont know until you have a child, because they ask you everything... Its a wake up call and thats what you parents need. They need to know that this is something that they are actually not knowledgeable on and when you look to the media instead of reality that is when you will find yourself making improper assumptions about others.

 

oh wow your dad is an asshole. I feel for you man, mine is too.

 

I'm so sorry to hear of what he did and how he reacted. Those sheets were just so unnecessary. Like what Gen mentioned, they're uneducated and misled on what homosexuality is really is. Those who lack understanding are ignorant.

Educate them. Tell your dad that you know how to live your life, you know how sex works, and to do your own thing. I hope things get better for you.

 

Oh man... I feel for you

I had a debate with my parents about lifting the ban on blood donation for gay men and my mother flat out said "i'd rather get straight blood than gay blood" and then tried to justify herself in saying the statistical changes of HIV and AIDs are higher. God, and they wonder why i never talk about my sexuality with them. :bang:

Maybe we should both try to explain things to them? Good luck!

 

Keep in mind that generation not only spawned the HIV crisis the emergence of it was terrifying. It was a totally new thing and there were no answers. Nobody survived then. Not a good excuse but is pretty close to their reality in youth and sexual peak.

 

Hey Justin,

Ok as you and most folks who have read my posts before know, I am usually pretty vocal and angry about parental reactions. I have to say though, that while I think it was handled badly by both of your parents, their hearts were in the right place.

I recently had an STI discussion with my brother who is in healthcare, and he very matter of factly addressed the issue of heightened risk of STI transmission in queer males. Now, while it certainly isn't the case that "if you're gay, you will die of AIDS", there are higher risk factors for us just by the nature of how many of us make love.

Anal sex is just riskier. If prepped, protected, and performed correctly it is perfectly safe, but we have to extra cautious for several reasons. The fact is, if we aren't used to it and haven't prepared correctly, we are very prone to bleeding. Bleeding in and around the anus not only opens us up to STI transmission, but to infections caused by fecal matter entering the bloodstream. Elton John was recently hospitalized for a pretty nasty E. coli infection not long ago.

I wish your Mom could have been more tactful in broaching the issue with you, maybe approaching you alone would have been better, but I do think it's nice that she chose to give you literature on the subject of her worry rather than try to draw her own conclusions from her own preconceptions.

I think a good way to address her fears is to share with her some of what you have learned; maybe introduce her to EC. It's great for parents to know that there is a group of people who know what they're talking about ready to answer questions!

As for your Dad, I think it was piss poor phrasing right there. I am sure he knows that you didn't just decide to be gay, and you could easily replace "gay" with "sexually active with your boyfriend" and achieve the same result. As frustrating as that was, and as mishandled as it was, it really does sound that your parents do accept that you are gay, but they are just worried because it's such a grey area of their knowledge that's riddled with misinformation. As "stuck mistake" mentioned above, it really is a generational issue in many ways.

I am sorry you had to deal with that, but at least your parents love and care about your well being. There are plenty of folks in the LGBT community who aren't so lucky.

I hope things do get better, and be safe out there!

-The Seeker

 

U have to talk to him and make him understand

My father is an asshole too,
when he found out that Im gay,
he beat me up and then kicked
me out of the house, so I had to walk
4 hours to my mothers house.

But not to worry the best people
come from rejection

 

Yeah, I'm not sure you should really be mad that they are worried about your health. This doesn't sound like they are trying to make you not gay, just they are worried about you.

I don't know exactly how old your parents are, but they've got to be older than me. I was a kid during the first big HIV scare, and I don't know how to tell you how frightening it was. It was an enormous issue, so that I heard about it enough to be scared, and I was in elementary school. And every year or every other year when I was in school, from about 3rd grade through high school, we had sex ed, which was a couple days of human anatomy and reproducution, and the rest of the time learning about STDs, with extremely heavy emphasis on HIV. And condoms. Condoms were not only pushed in school, but in frequent public service announcements on television. There were scary looking HIV posters plastered up in public places, and horrifying news stories depicting gay men experiencing a very slow and unpleasant death.

Somehow in the new millennium, people got complacent, and the Bush "abstinence only" plan took over schools. To most of my peers, the idea that they didn't teach you about condoms in school is beyond alarming. Like teaching people to drive and not telling them about seat belts or not to do it under the influence of alcohol. When I was growing up, the possibility of pregnancy was definitely not the main reason to use condoms.

But MSM, men who have sex with men, have always had a higher risk for HIV, and HIV is still the STD that is most likely to kill you. There has been a long push on the idea that everyone is at risk for HIV, and they are, but that doesn't mean that everyone is equally at risk. The idea is quite good for getting straight people to use condoms, and for getting homophobic people to fund HIV research--which is why the medical field sort of takes this position, because as long as HIV was a "gay disease," there were a lot of people who were fine just letting the gays die--but it's kind of dangerous when it becomes something gay men use to dismiss their risk. The highest rate of sexual transmission of HIV is from a male to a receptive partner during anal sex. It's much harder to get HIV from a woman via sexual transmission than from a man. Therefore, HIV spreads much faster in MSM populations than in other populations. This is biology, and it's not a moral thing or because gay men are somehow doing something wrong. But it is real.

Frankly, if the most "homophobic" thing your parents ever do is try to educate you about your risk of HIV infection, I think they are awesome, loving parents who just want you to be okay. They are suggesting that you use condoms, not that you break up with your boyfriend. I would also suggest that you use condoms. For real: please use condoms during anal sex. People at gay pride will also urge you to use condoms, and to educate yourself about HIV. Giving you HIV flyers is not a homophobic act.

Of course, they really should have educated you about all of the risks when you were young. It was heteronormative of them, when you were a kid, to assume that you would grow up straight. Ideally, everyone should be educated as children or young teens about the risks of both straight and gay sex. But trying to correct the error now is not the problem. And I'm sure they know that the dangers of straight sex were probably covered by the schools.

I'm really kind of bothered that everybody so far in this thread seems to support the notion that gay men don't have any higher risk for HIV. I think that's really dangerous, and it makes me really concerned for today's youth.

I would never discourage parents from educating their gay kids about HIV.

Incidentally, I've done a lot of reading about HIV, including recent information. I'm not an expert, but I'm definitely not ignorant on the subject. And you guys are promoting an idea that is simply false. Gay men definitely are at higher risk for HIV. Saying so is not ignorant or homophobic, but rather factually correct.

It is a virus, and not something that should be so overly stigmatized as it often is. But it is a real threat, and not just something to be dismissed. It's one thing to stress, when talking to straight people, that everyone is at risk if they are sexually active: that is true, and good for them to know. But gay men should know that they are at higher risk, and that it makes sense for them to take all possible precautions.

I'm not even sure I think you should be bothered by the "If you are going to be gay" phrasing. He doesn't really seem to be suggesting that you have any choice in the matter, but just that the situation of being a gay man, or having sex with men, puts you in a position where you need to be aware of different things than a straight person might, regarding sexual health issues.

Health and sex ed curriculum is woefully inadequate even for straight people, at least here in the United States. Justin, you claimed to your parents that you had sex ed when you were younger. Did your sex ed cover anal sex? Or even oral? I'm guessing no. Was there a section or unit devoted to sexual issues particular to people with same-sex partners? Again, my suspicion would be no. Did they cover condom use, and particularly the effectiveness of condom use in preventing transmission of HIV? If you were in school during the "abstinence only" years, the answer will be no. So saying you learned what you needed to in school is bullshit. They aren't teaching you what you need to know in school.

In fact, if they were, everyone in this thread would have known that gay men are at higher risk for HIV, including you, and there wouldn't be this suggestion that saying so is homophobic.

 

I get the idea that mom and dad were trying to love you the best way they know how. Perhaps wording may have been better but they actually do care and love. So many kids have lost homes or been beaten as one poster mentions here.
I would suggest sitting down and having a discussion with your parents and loving them in return. It seems what caught your attention was the miss usage of a few words and the love and well meant advice was missed on your part. I am certain there are ten's of thousands of LGBTQ people who would trade their eye teeth to be loved and accepted by their moms and dads.

 

I'm sorry man

I know what they did is hurtful to you and it would extremely hurt me too, but I kinda think they were trying to help. It's hard for a parent to deal with this kinda stuff and in their minds the really do not want you to catch HIV. They seem really really uneducated.

Maybe find some fliers of your own educating them on the subject. And leave them in the mailbox or slip them under the door. Hell, hand them to them and leave it at that. And once you've calmed down, really try to educate them.

I really wish my dad even cared enough about me to help, you're lucky to have both of yours. Try to be understanding, it's really the only way help situations like these.

It's easier said than done, and I really admire how you handled that situation because I would not have handled that as... Gracefully as you did

 

What? Did I just read the Same original post as everyone else?

Justin, to me that looks like your parents were trying to reach out and connect with you. I can't speak for everyone, but I know when I first started realizing I was into guys there was a freakout phase involved. To me this looks like the tail end of their "freakout phase" and moving to acceptance. It looks like to me this was their attempt to "reach out".

I know your really pissed at them and I'm not excusing what your dad said, but do they really know better? Try and cool down and then attempt to reconnect with them.

 

I don't argue about my sexuality with my parents because I'm not out to them but I argue with them over everything I feel you I really do.

 

Justin,

Relax, you are correct. Anybody not aware of safe sex by the time they become sexually active in major countries are living under a rock.

If I had this discussion with my son/s it would not be about safe sex but the difference between love and lust and to only act in their sex life over love.

Yeah, a gay man can end up with children. Not a good way to go for the wife (long story).

You are doing the RIGHT thing. Stick with it.

Stuck

 

I'm not siding with your dad here, but I want you to at least see his point...

He clearly doesn't understand gay relations yet, but it looks like he's trying to help. He's probably just simply heard about HIV being more common in the gay community (which it is), and gotten you these in an effort to protect you. After all, you are his son. Parents just want the best for their children, and protection is part of that. I get why you're angry now, but he probably feels you don't know all you need to know, or that there's some way he can protect you from it.

If I were in your position, I would just simply apologize for snapping, and explain to him calmly that you know all you need to know, that you've done extensive research on it because you know how risky anal can be. Explain that you know how to be safe and that you know he was trying.

I know it's hard to see things for how they are when you're angry, but to me it sounds like he was just simply trying to protect you.

All the best.