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Questioning you're own 'gayness'

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Shadowsettler, Jan 21, 2013.

  1. Shadowsettler

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    Is this normal to do? I feel something like doubt and it confuses the hell out of me. I don't know which way is up and I don't feel comfortable posting on here to everyone. can anyone help me?
     
  2. Ticklish Fish

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    huh? what? the only defining definition of "gay" is a man who likes man...
     
  3. remainnameless

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    It's actually kinda crazy to see you post this, since I have read some really good advice given by you in the past. (only relevant because you seem to understand)

    Has anything happened lately that may make you question it? Or maybe something making you wish you weren't? (I have never felt that way before, I'm positive of my "gayness")

    Hope you find your answers, good luck :wink:
     
  4. OMGWTFBBQ

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    l think so. What l attribute it to is subconsciously longing for something "easy". l know when l have straight friends who have an AWFUL break up, go out a week later and meet the person they eventually have their next real relationship with, all in the s[an of like 3 months, l start feeling this way.

    Because things juts don't happen that quickly for me. l get jealous. So part of me still thinks l could have that if l really wanted to.

    But never is it like "OMG THAT GUY IS HOT. Am l not gay?"
     
  5. myheartincheck

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    Sometimes I question it. Then something always happens to remind me how gay I really am. :icon_bigg
     
  6. Phoenix

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    I think it's because heteronormativity is so emphasized by society that any time we get an inkling of that we're like "Yes! Maybe I actually am "normal"" Basically we're encouraged to look for any sign that it's a phase or whatnot.
     
  7. RueBea85

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    Yup I question my gayness. I think it's more so in the way I look and act sometimes. I know I like women and I know I want to be with women, but I don't feel like I'm gay enough in my looks. I don't look like a "stereotypical lesbian." So that makes me question whether I'm really gay or not if that makes sense. I also always wonder if I think I'm gay because I haven't met "the right guy", sometimes I hear of people who don't meet the person they want to marry until their 25 or 30, or even older. So I always wonder if someone will come along. I know in my heart that I'm gay but I always wonder. I'm not at the point where I'm completely and totally comfortable with being gay.
     
    #7 RueBea85, Jan 22, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2013
  8. Sartoris

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    I honestly don't think I could have put it any better and I imagine this is what a number of people who come to identify as gay go through. Especially if you're someone who didn't know you only liked guys from a young age and/or don't feel unquestionably 100%, Kinsey 6 gay [which causes you to latch onto any hope of being romantically and/or sexually attracted to the opposite sex.

    Speaking for myself, I've questioned my "gayness" not in the stereotypical sense but in that I wasn't sure if I was really experiencing life the way a man who is attracted to other men does. It was one thing for me to realise the reason I didn't pay much attention to girls in the beyond noticing their 'prettiness' or what have you because I wasn't genuinely romantically or sexually attracted to them. So even realising I'm attracted to men, the problem has been that for my life thus far I didn't really experience and 'express' sexuality when now I want to do so in a casual or everyday manner comfortably and confidently. If that makes any sense.
     
  9. Zaio

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    Well it depends what you mean by gayness in this context...

    If you mean attractions then no, I'm absolute in the fact that I am 100% attracted to men and only men. That's how it is and always will be.

    If you're referring to masculinity then I do occasionally. I've noticed how over time, the more accepting I become of myself and others, the seemingly more relaxed I get about the matter. I think it's a good thing though :slight_smile: at the end of the day we all want to be happy with who we are.

    All the best.
     
  10. LEZmis4

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    Yes. I first thought I was gay in college...and then talked myself out of it...then again in my early 20's...and talked myself out of it...and then met a boy and had a 3 year disaster of a relationship...then thought I was gay again towards the end of my 20's...and well...you get the picture.

    I'm just now starting to think that there might be something to this "maybe you're gay" thing. When I look back, there are so many little signs along the way. Last night's session with my therapist was really affirming that yes, at the very least, I am not straight. I think I've finally gotten to a place where I am at least acknowledging it. I still have moments where I wonder if I'm on the wrong track, but I really don't think so. I think it's more wishful thinking...because this is causing a lot of stress and anxiety for me.
     
  11. GuidingLight

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    I totally agree with you. Society makes it seem as if being gay is some kind of problem. Its just evolution, a lot of other species on the planet have "gay" interaction. I understand completely when you spoke about "maybe I'm actually normal" I've been thinking that way a lot lately.

    btw, I love your avatar!! Jenny was my favorite! :thumbsup:

    ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2013 at 05:40 PM ----------

    Yes!:thumbsup:
     
  12. Silvails52

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    Wow, I really didn't expect you to write this. But anyways, yes it's perfectly fine. You're asking yourself if you're really gay or not, right? Just ask yourself one question: 'Do I get aroused by men or women?' If the answer is men, you're gay. But I totally understand. I had a week or two questioning myself. But I eventually realized I like men better than women. Just give it time.
     
  13. Gleeko0

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    Pretty much the same for me.. sometimes I question it, I don't mention it anywhere because even my friends who are extremely supportive and understanding still somewhat "doubt" If I am really gay, because "I don't seem gay at all" even though they know I've been with guys...but yeah, questioning is definitely there xD, but then I "catch" myself checking guys out on the street and the amount of girls I "check out" (?) is irrelevant.

    I guess I can only "like" girls a little bit and when theres a strong emotional side about it, now guys I can easily like in every way xD, that tells me I am definitely pretty gay in fact..

    I think questioning your own gayness is perfectly normal. I was told several times that sexuality is most often a fluid thing. Thats pretty much the main reason I don't feel comfortable saying "I am that" or "that", I leave it on "I am not straight AT ALL" and thats it. I'm always open to all possibilities, although that most often surrounds guys hahaha.
     
    #13 Gleeko0, Jan 22, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2013
  14. Rexmond

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    You alright Shadow? You haven't replied back yet. Is there something going on that's leading you towards these questions?

    I suppose in the moment of things, we may take some time in our lives to question "are we truly gay?", but only because of the rare occurrence of it. It's more than likely we do that when we see or hear something that pushes towards this mindset - "wow... look at all these straight people, am I really not one of them?" Simple questions, can affect the way we think and see things.

    In the end it's the fact I'm gay and I'll be happy with another man, it's just something special to myself, probably because of the broken relationship I had with my own father. So it's something I've always wanted to experience, and look where that has lead to. At first we normally do question ourselves until we become self-accepting.
     
  15. Ditz

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    I do all the time, hence I've settled for middle ground right now. I get turned on by both sexes... I think I check out more guys than girls, its still confusing as hell. I think it would have been easier for me if it had been either or.
     
  16. Naomilly92

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    If you're referring to actually being gay, yes. There have been a couple of signs that make me think, am I really gay

    • Fancying this girl through college
    • Wanting to have sex with a girl out of curiosity
    • Seeing a girl in the club give me the eye and wanting to go over

    However, I'm aware that I'm gay because I just don't see women this way. If you're unsure you might want to experiment and see if it's for you, you've got nothing to lose, and it'll get rid of your confusion/curiosity
     
  17. Silvails52

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    Where are you Shadow? I'm getting a little worried.
     
  18. caughtbywitness

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    From what others have said, you seem to give good advice but aren't open about your own problems? Slightly worrying how similar that sounds to me; I help all my friends with problems but I don't trust anyone properly, or really talk about feelings. It's tough, I just don't want to feel reliant on people.

    Hope this isn't the same as you? EC's a good place to start, or you can PM someone directly :slight_smile:
     
  19. localfwbguy

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    I question it a lot, my heterosexuality, bisexuality, or homosexuality. In my case because I feel like I dont fit in either camp. I'm somewhere in between and feel like most folks are.
     
  20. cm81990

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    Here's the test, assuming if you're unsure if you're gay or bisexual. When you see girls in public, do you get turned on? Do you ever imagine sexual scenarios with girls and do those thoughts turn you on? When you fantasize, do you ever think of girls? If the answer is no, then it's safe to say you're gay. If the answer is yes, then it's safe to say you're bi. Porn is not always the most reliable test. I know girls in real life don't turn me on but a lesbian porn scene can cause some arousal. So if you found yourself aroused by girls in porn, don't sweat it. It's what turns you on in real life that counts.

    I actually disagree with localfwbguy on sexual orientation being this VAST spectrum. Most people have erotic attractions to one gender. Some to both. Sexual behavior, on the other hand, is a spectrum. A lot of people may experiment with both genders or be curious for a variety of reasons, but erotic attraction is not the #1 reason. I'm 100% gay, yet I can get turned on by grinding with a girl. So my sexual behavior may indicate bisexual but my true sexual orientation (erotic attraction) is exclusive to guys. I only get turned on visually by guys and fantasize about them, not girls.
     
    #20 cm81990, Jan 22, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 22, 2013