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Destined to be straight...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by PeterMcCormick, Jan 21, 2013.

  1. PeterMcCormick

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    Well, pretty much, I am gay, hate it with the fiery passion of 1000 suns, but can't do anything about it.

    I have nothing against gay people and admire them extremely. But just purely based on what I observe, stereotypes, stories, etc. I would much rather be straight.

    How they dress, act, talk, move...it all seems so inevitable. There is nothing wrong with it, it just goes totally against how I have always seen myself being in the future. And it seems like there is no way to stop these things from happening to me too, like acquiring the gay male accent. I really really really don't want it, but whenever I am drunk or high or anything, my friends all tell me I start to talk in that accent. And I am afraid that it is only a matter of time before it translates into my sober life. Lack of athletic ability, lack of interest in sports, lack of straight male friends, are all things I am afraid of.

    My BEST FRIEND is my uncle, I just came out to him, he is 100% supportive. But now I am so afraid of losing the friendship because I am gay. That I will not relate to him on the level best friends should, just because I'm gay.

    I hate this so much, and it is just a lifestyle I feel like I wasn't made for. So much self hatred that I don't know how to deal with.

    Also once again I am not homophobic at all, I REALLY do admire all of the gay community. But it is just something I feel I wasn't meant for.

    I just want to be as straight acting (but out) as possible. But it seems like it is all just inevitably going to change me.

    Please, I'm just looking for advice/support/people who can relate.
     
  2. Phoenix

    Phoenix Guest

    I can relate, if that helps. I've always been taught that gay people are just like everyone else so I never disliked them. But when I realized, I was like "You've got to be kidding me." It just couldn't be true. I never worried about changing per se, but when I realized to now I haven't changed at all. Your personality doesn't morph just because you realize you're not straight. It does for some people, but the only reason it changes is because they're dropping the charade and being who they really were all along. So on the surface it looks like a change. But if you're not suppressing any part of your personality as it is then it won't change because of your sexuality.
     
  3. Robellious

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    Well i'll tell you one thing, you can choose not to be like that.
    I was actually on the same boat as you, but then I realized, I can change those things, by the accent/pitched voice I started to speak in a lower octive, and that helped that problem, and some gay people are into sports, I have a thing for boxing. Plus all of that is sterotypes, you're kinda freaking yourself out over this. Just keep doing what you're doing and you'll be fine.
     
  4. Splenda

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    I can totally relate, I knew I was attracted to women since I was 11 years old but the thought of turning into someone I didn't recognize .ie the gay stereotypes I was surrounded by scared the bejaysus out of me...

    Coming out will not turn you into anything you don't want to be, remember people only adopt those mannerisms because it helps them feel comfortable but it sounds to be like you're perfectly comfortable being masculine and there's no problem what so ever with that :grin: You'll find that some gay men like masculine partners and others like efeminate partners and thats because (despite what the media will have you believe!) lgbt people are all unique and diverse!

    There's actually term called bear which describes masculine gay men!

    Quick example of non stereotypical gay celebrities!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Good luck!
     
    #4 Splenda, Jan 21, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2013
  5. TheSeeker

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    To the above poster: That first picture of Neil Patrick Harris is Legen... wait for it...

    ...

    ...

    ...

    ... DARY!

    Just throwing that out there, true story!
     
  6. Anthemic

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    Being gay is who you are. You may not want to be gay, but you are. The fact that you are afraid of becoming something you're not is something you shouldn't have to worry about, since you've always been this way. Drinking can make someone act like something they're not at times. It is not a choice to be gay. But how you act is a choice. You aren't going to change and develop a flamboyant personality because that is not who you are.
    A lot of people feel the way you do. They're ashamed of being gay and feel that this lifestyle was not made for them. But your life is what you make it. So no need to worry. :slight_smile:
     
  7. Splenda

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    I'm reposting Neil Patrick Harris since I found a better size image :grin:

    [​IMG]

    Mark Feehily

    [​IMG]

    Will Young

    [​IMG]

    Wanda Sykes

    [​IMG]

    Jodie Foster

    [​IMG]
     
    #7 Splenda, Jan 21, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2013
  8. Pain

    Pain Guest

    I'm sorry if this come across as less than cordial:

    Not everyone fits the stereotypes you see on TV. What makes you so sure that you will "catch the gay?" While jumping into a stereotype can seem easy, it doesn't happen. Talking campy while high or drunk means nothing. It's not like that you're in your right mind in either of those states. That idea of nature FORCING you to turn into a campy, flamboyant poodle is purely in your head, and you gotta realize that you liking guys changes nothing else about you. In saying that, I have to tell you, bud, that being gay is not a lifestyle. It's just who you happen to like.

    Though, I appreciate that you quoted the Fairly Oddparents with your "1000 suns" analogy.
     
  9. Reptillian

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    Ok, first of all, generalizations don't necessarily help. Second of all, have you heard of stories where people go against their own orientation by choice? I would strongly advise against doing so, but if it does bother you, then there's nothing to stop you from trying. A lot of them didn't turn out well, but some few, let's just say they are content.
     
  10. pinklov3ly

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    I know how you feel to a certain extent, but don't believe the hype. Not all gay men act, dress, and speak the way you've insinuated. You are who you are regardless if you're gay or not. I haven't changed one bit; I mean, I am more vocal about my feelings. And that isn't necessarily a bad thing. What may seem as a negative--being gay to some, actually turned into a positive in my life. I used to be extremely shy, introverted and just a waste of life. But now, I feel so alive because I was hiding who I am for so long.

    The only way you're going to feel any better about yourself is to accept who you are. I know that it's not easy, but if I can do it then so can you. What helped me the most was reaching out to people who are just like me. It's always nice being able to talk to someone who can relate to how you feel. And we're all living proof that it actually does get better.

    I should mention that self loathing is completely unhealthy for your mental state. But I'm sure you're aware of that. Just take things one day at a time. It's been a long journey for me and here I am more happier than ever. Years ago, I was a complete mess and I am so glad that I found this site. I'm here for you if you ever want to talk, until then hang in there (*hug*)
     
  11. Chip

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    I'm going to restate the point about the stereotypes.

    People (usually people just accepting that they're gay, and just coming out of the closet) get SO hung up on gay stereotypes and being deathly afraid of them.

    Guess what? Lots and lots of gay men don't fit them at all. They aren't any less "gay", they aren't any less accepted or appreciated, and they are just as much a part of the gay community as anyone else.

    I have gay friends with absolutely zero sense of fashion, style, interior design, or any of the typical gay creative flair. Friends who no one would ever guess in a million years they're gay. Friends who wouldn't be caught dead at a Pride event, gay club or bar, or any of the stereotypical "gay" activities. Friends who hate theater, Cher, Lady Gaga.

    And I have other gay friends who fit a few, most, or almost all of the stereotypes.

    We are an incredibly diverse group of people, and accepting and loving your gay self means that absolutely nothing has to change, except that you can love yourself for who you are, as you are, and you can love guys and create a life with another guy. That's pretty much it.
     
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  12. Ditz

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    You are and will be what you are right now... Nothing will change in your behaviour unless you actively decide to change them... Just be who you re and you will be fine.
     
  13. skiff

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    Man! I could not get beyond the first few lines of your post. It reads like shallow, narrow minded bigotry based on stereotypes. You don't have enough life experience.

    I would bet you only 20% of gays fit into any of the stereotypical categories but since they are easily identifiable they define "gay".

    Buddy, 80% of gays DO NOT fit into any of the gay stereotypes.

    Should people hate you with the heat of a 1,000 suns because you are ignorant of this fact? Should we hate the naive and ignorant?

    Read up on the Pareto Principle it applies widely across society and that includes the demographics of sexual preference and stereotypes.

    Because 2 out of 10 fit a gay stereotype you hate them all.

    This says more about personal, narrow minded, bigotry than being gay.

    Stuck
     
    #13 skiff, Jan 22, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2013
  14. Ianthe

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    As others have said, being gay won't make you different than you are. You will only develop a "gay accent" (this more or less means a feminine speech pattern, which is not really the same thing as an accent) if you have been suppressing it in the first place. People who act "more gay" after coming out do so because they are no longer holding themselves back from being their true selves. It is often a great relief to them.

    What will happen is that you will become more you. You will not start acting like someone else.

    It's possible that making friends with other gay men will cause you to develop interests that you didn't have before, but if so, it will be voluntary. Nothing is mandatory.

    I don't seem gay to people at all, incidentally.
     
  15. skiff

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    Gay accent? Come on! Gay has nothing to do with accent.

    It grates against me when men refer to other men as "cute" (a diminutive). I am gay, no accent, no lisp, fit into no stereotype.

    Stuck
     
    #15 skiff, Jan 22, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2013
  16. john1984

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    I don't think being gay is a lifestyle but it can be for a lot of people. I don't fit in with any of the "gay community" i've met around here where i live at all. I'm still just me and all the guys i hang out with are straight and i couldn't be happier. I'll go further and say not only do i not have anything in common with the gay people i've met here they sort of actively dislike me. They are all extreme liberals and i'm not. I'm a big gun person and fully support the 2nd amndt and they HATED that. I'm also a person of faith and that was frowned upon as well. It's weird that you find so much judgement like that but sometimes you do. My point is i'm still me. And i'm gay. You can be the same if you don't want the stereotypical "lifestyle" just don't do it. Just do you and forget about all the rest of it. You will find i think as time goes on that there are many gay guys that don't fit the stereotype at all.
     
  17. jaysuss

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    I wouldn't say gay people have a lack in sports or aren't good at them. Look at all the incredible dancers and that is one of the hardest sports out there. There may not be many that are out but that is also there because appealing to a large population helps with money and fame which is good for larger athletes. I do really well in swimming myself and I was ranked very high up in racquetball before I quit. Stereotypes are like any other ones..only apply to a few people
     
  18. castle walls

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    You probably notice these gay stereotypes because they tend to get peoples attention. The bright colors of the rainbow, men having feminine traits, and so on and so on. That can grab someone's attention really quickly. You know what you probably won't notice? You probably won't notice the gay man in a business suit heading home to be with his husband but chances are you will notice a gay man in pink short shorts that say "GAY" on the butt. You probably won't notice the gay man at the bar ordering a beer with some friends after work but chances are you'll notice a gay man with a high pitched voice ordering a cosmo. The point is that gay stereotypes tend to stick out. That doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with being stereotypically gay. It just means that, often times, they're noticeable. That does not mean that they represent the entire gay community.

    Also, there are plenty of gay athletes. There are a lot more than the few I'll be naming. Here's a small list to get you started:
    • Graham Ackerman - gymnast
    • John Amaechi - basketball
    • Ivan Bussens - water polo
    • Mark Bingham - rugby (I highly suggest you read about him)
    • Terry Garvin - wrestling
    • Andrew Goldstein - lacrosse
    • Gus Johnston - hockey
    • Patrick Jeffrey - diving
    • Mark Leduc (Olympic Silver Medalist) - boxing
    • Ray McDonald - football
    • Chris Morgan - powerlifting
    • Jim Morris - bodybuilder
    • Robert Newton - Track and Field
    • Ian Roberts - rugby
    • Ted Tinling - tennis (he was also a spy during WWII)
    • Orlando Cruz - boxing
     
  19. Lewis

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    I haven't read other posts on this thread so if I repeat any advice already given, I apologise.

    I think you're the living proof that all gay people don't fit that stereotype. Being gay does not affect your life's outcome, you do. If you want to get married, have kids, lead a conventional life, then do it!

    As for your friendship with you uncle, if you were able to relate to him before, what changes now? You're still the same person. I think you're over thinking the situation and we're all guilty of that. He probably hasn't changed the way he see's you at all.

    Being gay doesn't define you. What you make of life does. Don't let being gay change that!
     
  20. Hexagon

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    I'm pretty sure gay is something to do with liking the same sex, not what you wear or how you speak or your hobbies. Your idea of straight acting involves behaving as if you are straight in all aspects of your life except who you sleep with, but that isn't straight at all.

    Just be you. Talk with the pitch and accent you are comfortable with. Do the type of things you like to do. Wear the clothes you like. And get a boyfriend.
     
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