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Great, she's back

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Ruby Dragon, Jan 21, 2013.

  1. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    Just when I thought I was finally rid of my ex-girlfriend, she contacts me again.

    She sent me something late Saturday night, I only saw the message the next morning...

    It wasn't exactly a message, just my name, typed out like this: "...VelvetBlade..." - Which I just ignore anyway, because it doesn't really SAY anything, so I never know what she actually wants me to say in return... It's annoying.

    I just deleted the message. Later that day (Sunday) she texted me again: "I'm obviously on ignore, but just wanted to hear how you're doing"

    I almost lost it completely and had to stop myself from sending some rude message. Perhaps I should, maybe THEN she'd get the message that I don't want anything to do with her anymore. I can't put into words how she makes me feel, but everything she says and does just annoys the living daylights out of me and I want her out of my life.

    The blocking function doesn't work properly either, I've tried it with another former friend of mine and he was still able to send me texts, so don't know what's the whole point of BLOCKING a number if they can still contact you :rolle:

    Anyway, I'd like some advice on how to get it through this ex of mine's thick skull that I want nothing more to do with her. At this stage I don't care if I end up hurting her feelings. She seems so friggin' stubborn and persistent that I'm going to have to stop trying to sugarcoat it and just tell her exactly how I feel :tantrum: :bang:

    Ignoring her obviously doesn't do the trick...
     
    #1 Ruby Dragon, Jan 21, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2013
  2. MerBear

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    then tell her straight up but politely.....
     
  3. remainnameless

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    Then do just that!

    ---------- Post added 21st Jan 2013 at 10:38 PM ----------

    But yes, politely :wink:
     
  4. wilted

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    Next time she texts you respond with something like: "I would prefer if you didn't text me again. I am not interested in being friends."
     
  5. pinklov3ly

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    I agree with everyone else, just be up front with her about you feel. What's up with the hostility towards her? I know that you've finally figured out that you're indeed straight and not gay at all. Perhaps, you kind of hurt her in midst of your uncertainty with figuring out your sexuality.
     
  6. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    Thoughts on this please:

    You're probably wondering why I haven't contacted you for a long time, and why I ignored your initial message the other night?

    Well, I tried to distance myself from you. I don't think we're a good influence on each other, and I can't see how this friendship will work. We actually don't really have anything in common, and it feels like the friendship is forced

    I simply cannot keep "smiling and waving" pretending that nothing's wrong. I simply CANNOT continue with this friendship, and was hoping that you've also moved on. There are quite a number of things that bother me about you specifically, and this so-called "friendship" and I'm sorry, but I know none of those things are going to change. It's time to remove the rose-coloured glasses and go our seperate ways


    She'd probably want to know which things bother me about her, and that's where things will get ugly... because I will then be brutally honest, and feelings WILL be hurt, no matter how nicely I try to put it. Facts are facts and truth hurts.
     
  7. pinklov3ly

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    How about you just change your number? If at all possible, I mean she should be able to move on; things shouldn't have to get ugly. If that's not possible then, I guess you're going to have to be brutally honest with her.
     
  8. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    To tell you the truth, I don't really know why I'm so hostile toward her now. Just a few months ago, I practically worshipped the ground she walks on, and now I can't stand the thought of her. I really don't know.

    Yes, she probably was hurt during my self-discovery phase. And I feel terrible about it.

    Things that I just cannot accept about her/the friendship:

    1) I'm a huge animal lover, and she cannot stand them.

    2) Whenever we decided to hang out together, I always had to go to HER, she has NEVER made the slightest effort to come to ME

    3) She'll start to speak and then just keep quiet, and I have to force it out. It's like a game to her. A very annoying one.

    4) If I have a bad day, she'll keep pushing my buttons, even though she knows I'm not in the mood for people

    5) She's constantly trying to change me. "You should give up smoking" "No, you shouldn't cut your hair shorter" "Stop swearing so much" (at idiot motorists); etc. I don't like it if someone tries to change who I am. Oh, and in the beginning, when we were dating, she'd comment saying, "How can you go around telling people you're butch when you're dressing more like a femme and then say it's because your parents don't approve?" SHE DIDN'T HAVE A CLUE what I was going through every single day of my life. She has no idea how much crap I had to take from my parents and sister because I was dating her. And yet she still wanted to make comments like that? :tantrum:
     
  9. Chip

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    Honestly, this sounds like someone with no boundaries whatsoever, so trying to reason with her or send her any sort of lengthy message will just encourage her... even if it's a polite "piss off" message.

    I would suggest the most succinct, curt message possible, maybe something like "I'm not interested in talking. Please do not contact me again."

    And if that doesn't work, then the nuclear option: "You haven't heeded my previous requests. Any further contact will result in a harrassment complaint being filed with the police, and a restraining order issued. Please save us both the hassle."

    And then... if she still persists... follow through. My guess is a call or visit from the police will do the job nicely. It really sucks when you have to do such things, but people with no boundaries often don't get any sort of subtlety or kindness.
     
  10. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    Changing my number sounds easier than it is. It'd be easier to just be brutally honest with her and get her to stop contacting me :slight_smile:
     
  11. pinklov3ly

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    Just tell her that you had fun while it lasted and that you're no longer interested in being her friend. And that you'd appreciate if she would stop contacting you. Now, I must warn you that it may backfire on you. Some people are unable to walk away so easily as it is potentially heartbreaking.
     
  12. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    LOVE IT! :roflmao:

    She's like a piece of bubblegum, stuck to the bottom of my shoe :lol: Time to scrape her off

    ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2013 at 12:36 AM ----------

    I probably sound like a terrible person.

    Treating someone I used to care about like shit just a few months down the line... :icon_sad:
     
  13. Ianthe

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    It seems to me that you are hostile toward her because she brings up feelings that don't fit very well into the narrative of you being a straight girl.

    Guess what? That's your shit. It's not her fault. You having feelings about her is all you, and your desire to be straight is also all you. She sent you two messages, polite ones, and you are having some kind of meltdown. If you feel bad about hurting her because of your own shit, stop doing it.

    Her existence in inconvenient for the story you are telling yourself, in which you are a straight girl and you can go on your merry way and have a life your family will approve of. You don't get to treat people horribly just so you can lie to yourself.

    It's fine if you don't want to be friends with her anymore, but you have to actually tell her that and explain that she just brings up feelings for you that you aren't ready to deal with. There is no need to say cruel things to her when she hasn't done anything wrong. And just cutting her off with no explanation is mean.

    I don't think it's reasonable to expect her to know that you don't ever want to hear from her again just because you didn't answer one text message. You have to actually tell her you don't want to hear from her, or else keep not answering her messages for a week or so until she gets the message. (The second way is the nastier one!)

    The excuses you give for your animosity toward her are not very good.

    1.) She doesn't like animals? So you are never speaking to her again?

    2.) Okay, so she never made the effort to come to you. If this were an issue in a friendship/relationship for me, it would be a reason to say to the person, "I feel like I'm the one who always has to make an effort. Couldn't you come to me once in a while?" It would not be a reason for overwhelming, senseless rage and completely cutting the person off.

    3.) That actually sounds like she has some kind of social anxiety. But even if it really is a game for her, that would be something to talk to her about. It would not be a reason for the kind of reaction you are having.

    4.) I hate to suggest it, but I kind of have the feeling that when you "have a bad day," just about anything a person did would push your buttons. Kind of like now. Anyway--this mostly just seems like a good reason not to hang out with her when you are having a bad day. Or should I assume that every day is a bad day for you?

    5.) These at least might be actual problems, but I still think you are overreacting to them. Have you ever even talked to her about these issues, or do you expect her to just magically know? You can't expect people to just be perfect, and when there are issues in a relationship you have to talk about them. And anyway, your relationship is over already and all that's happening is that she sent you a couple text messages.


    Regardless, your reaction is all out of proportion to anything she has done.

    You know, every so often we get the reverse of this situation as a question on here--someone seeking advice for what to do because some person they were dating, or who seemed like might be into them, who has been struggling with accepting their sexuality, suddenly wigs out on them, yells at them, and cuts them off for no apparent reason.

    What I tell those posters, is that they can't date that person, and probably can't even be a friend to that person. She's in denial, and denial makes people behave irrationally, and there is nothing you will be able to do to help her until she is ready to accept the help--and accept the truth about herself. You have to leave her alone in her wretched closet to torture herself, because there is nothing you can do for her. Just let it go.

    Maybe someday she'll figure herself out, and if she does, and she contacts you again, just try to forgive her and be the friend she needs. But for now, you just have to let her go, even though you know she's going to lock herself up in the closet and throw away the key. You can't help her, because she won't let you.

    That's basically what I tell them, when they come in here tearful with a long story about someone who jerked them around for months and then flipped out on them. But I'm not talking to her this time, I'm talking to you.

    My advice to you is to face reality and admit to yourself that if you were a straight girl, a lot of things in your life would probably be substantially different. (And you wouldn't be so irrationally angry at her for basically no reason.)

    Or at least try not to hurt other people too much in defense of your denial.

    Denial being what it is, my hope for you taking my advice is limited, though. Really, I'm sorry you are having such a rough time, but taking it out on other people isn't really fair. Yes, it sucks that your family is not supportive of you dating women or of your preferred gender expression. However, your ex-girlfriend is not the one to be mad at about it. Yes, it sucks that you would rather be straight and keep having these feelings that don't go along with that. But, again, your ex is not responsible for the fact that she inspires feelings in you that you would rather not have.

    IF she already would have some reason to think you don't want to hear from her ever again, you can take Chip's advice. But you should definitely make it really clear at least once before calling the police. The feeling I'm getting is that she would have no reason to think you don't want to hear from her. I know I wouldn't assume someone never wanted me to contact them again just because she didn't answer one text message.

    I don't think you are a terrible person. I think you are a person in denial and struggling with self-acceptance, and that this makes you behave irrationally. The only way to fix it, though, is to get you to face it, which seems like it might take some blunt language.
     
  14. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    Thank you Ianthe. Very thought-provoking. I know the problem lies with me, and that I really need to just get a grip and stop treating other people - people who CARE about me - badly just because I'm frustrated with myself and my situation.

    I actually have sent her a text - a few months ago - explaining to her in a very friendly way that I don't think we should see each other again, or continue with the friendship. I also explained to her that even though I now identify as straight, a small part of me still feels something for her and it tears me apart when we're spending time together.

    She completely freaked out about it and just made me feel so bad. And I don't feel I was being mean to her, I was being very nice actually. I accepted her back into my life as a friend, even though all I really want it some distance from her. She's a sweet, gentle soul who deserves to be loved and treated like the great person she is. But I just feel that staying in contact with her might bring up all those old feelings again and we'd be back where we started and we'd both get hurt.

    I know I'm being completely irrational about this and perhaps you're right in saying the reasons I've provided aren't valid.

    I don't know how to deal with the feelings I still have for her, even though I don't want to admit to myself that I feel this way.

    I've always had this way of turning nasty in an effort to push people away, thereby avoiding hurt on either part. I also realize it has to change. I need to learn to "man up" and be straight-forward and honest about my thoughts and feelings.

    Maybe I should give her another chance, we could become great friends, who knows?

    Thanks again for your insightful post. I needed to hear it :slight_smile: :icon_redf

    Add: She texted me as I was typing this. A cute picture of a chimpanzee hanging over a rail with the text, "Wish you were here" and then she sent another text saying that she misses me. Gotta be honest, it made me smile...
     
    #14 Ruby Dragon, Jan 22, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2013