Trying to figure this all out..... (sorry, pretty long)

Hi everyone. I'm not sure exactly where to start....but here goes

I'm just starting to come to terms with the fact that I'm probably gay. I've had plenty of little hints over the years and I've shoved them away because they scared the hell out of me.

In Jr High and High School gay to me was just some thing I'd heard about that was more of a joke than a real thing. I didn't even really understand what it was. Had a couple little hints here and there on reflection, like locker room and such, but none of that would have made any sense to me back then.

Late teens/early 20s I started to feel like maybe I wanted to see what this whole sex/relationship thing was all about. I didn't really know what I was doing or even what i wanted from it, but it seemed like what i was supposed to be doing cause it was what everyone else was doing. I'd go out to the clubs and bars with my friends and sometimes talk to and dance with girls, but the whole process just seemed silly. The times I'd dance I wasn't really having the fun I expected I would. It just felt kinda awkward and forced, and I'd be relieved when it was over. Sometimes the girls would come after me, but again it felt awkward and forced. I got a few numbers, but never called them. I tried some internet dating and had lots of conversations with girls online, but only ever went to meet one of them, and then I just kinda made chit chat and waited for it to be over.

A little later I had a couple encounters with female friends and got hooked up with someone by my friends. I liked being with someone, and kissing and cuddling was nice. When things got more serious though it was always a bit of a disaster. It wasn't what I'd expected it to be. Just kinda mechanical and boring. I made all kinds of excuses as to why. Nervous, just not good at it yet, need to find the right person......and on and on. Still didn't really consider there might be something else going on.

Around that same time I had a male friend that mentioned a coffee shop he liked, and i went along to check it out. It happened to be in the gay neighborhood, but I didn't really think anything of it, cause the coffee and pastries were good, and it seemed like a nice place to hang out. I started going there with him a lot, and occasionally would get hit on by guys. My reaction to that was not at all what i had expected. I'd get kinda shy, and smile and laugh a lot, but say oh, no, sorry i'm straight. But inside it felt good, really flattering and made me feel kinda special. Eventually, the guy I was going there with told me he was bi and interested in me. My mind was racing, I didn't know what to feel. We went to a park and sat next to the water kinda leaning up against each other, almost kinda a cuddle thing and talked about it. It dragged up all the little hints i'd had over the years and kinda brought them into focus for the first time. That really freaked me out, and I told him I didn't think I'd be into that, and even if he was he wasn't my type. I couldn't believe my response was anything but revulsion. It just didn't make sense. I'm straight, why am i saying this stuff? Why do i feel this way??? I avoided him as much as i could after that and went back to trying to find a girl, without any success. Moved away from there not long after and pushed it all out of my mind, shoved it deep down and told myself it was just a weird anomaly.

By that time I was only making the occasional halfhearted attempt to find a girl and that eventually tapered off to basically nothing. Moved again, far enough away that I lost contact with most of my friends over the years, and went back to just having a few close friends. I pretty much gave up on trying to find a girl or anything and focused on hobbies and work and stuff. Just ignored most of my feelings.

Up to that point I'd only watched straight porn. But i started kinda peeking every now and then at gay. I told myself it was just so see what it was all about, just an intellectual curiosity, and once that curiosity had been satisfied I'd stop. That didn't happen. I'd start looking more and more, but it would make me feel like I was doing something wrong. It started to bring back those feelings I'd had at the coffee shop and with that guy, and it really messed with my mind. I'd keep pushing it down and ignoring it and I'd stop looking for a while, but it would always come back. That's been going on up to about now.

Lately I've been wanting to find a real relationship, as I'm tired of being alone. Trying the bar thing a little, couple blind dates, poked around dating sites a bit with no luck findning anyone I had interest in meeting. I've been talking to a family member who's also my best friend about why I'm just not finding what I'm looking for for a few months. Eventually I started to tell her about the experiences I've had in the past. I told her I thought i might be bi. We've been discussing that for a while now, and she's been super supportive and helpful. About 2 weeks ago we were having a fairly in depth conversation about how I feel about everything, how I like the way good looking women look, but i don't really have any idea where I'd go with them from there. How I've had some feelings for quite a while that I might enjoy being with a guy, and how the thought of it gave me feelings that aren't really there when I think about being with women. She finally point blank asked me if I was sure I wasn't just gay. When she said that it's like something kinda clicked in my brain. I gave it some serious thought, more than I'd ever let myself before because I'd been too afraid and didn't have anyone I'd trusted enough or supportive enough to discuss it with, and things started making more sense than they ever have.

I started poking around this forum and other places after that, and I'm really starting to see a lot of people saying a lot of things that I've been dealing with for years. Things that had terrified me, and made me ashamed of myself. I feel like a weight has been lifted. My emotions are all over the place and the problem I'm having now is that I keep second guessing myself. Is this REALLY true?? What does this mean to my life? Am i just convincing myself I'm gay because I can't find a girlfriend? What is this going to do to my friends, family and job?? I'm starting to accept it, and for the most part it feels really good, but the doubts that keep popping up are making me nuts. I worked up the courage to tell 2 of my sisters, scared to death what they might think, and they have been super supportive too!

So now I'm not sure where to go from there. Part of me wants to just start telling everyone. Part of me still won't accept it and keeps tossing doubts around. I've been looking for local groups that I might be able to join. But I'm still scared about what it all means. I know I'm still me, and that this really shouldn't be so hard to accept, but.... I just don't know. I'm still really confused and I'm hoping I'll settle down after a bit.

Sorry for the long post...

 

Thanks for the welcome and the supportive responses! The more time i spend here the more I see I'm not even close to alone in all of this. And it's really nice to see how many regular everyday non-stereotype people there are out there that just happen to be attracted to the same sex. What I really want is someone i can share life, good and bad, with. I'm starting to get comfortable with the idea that it really doesn't matter if that's a guy or a girl as long as it's someone I love. Every day it's getting a little better, but I still break down sometimes. Even that i don't mind so much, I've suppressed my emotions for so long it actually feels nice to just let it all out like that. My sisters and cousin continue to give me lots of support and encouragement and it's so nice. Now I'm trying to figure out if i go further with it and start talking to some friends about it. I'm not sure yet, I'm still not entirely comfortable with it myself yet. But the one thing i know for sure now and can fully accept is that I'm definitely not straight. And I'm pretty OK with that now. I've spent my life trying to live up to expectations in all aspects of life not just sexuality, my own as much as those of others. Accepting this has been helping me get over all of that nonsense. I can feel myself just being me finally instead of thinking about how others might perceive me.

Ok, I'll stop gushing now. Thanks again for the welcome and kind words!