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basically just my story...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by skswt, Mar 2, 2008.

  1. skswt

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    I found this site a couple weeks ago and knew I'd eventually want to be telling my whole story on here. Mostly just because I want to see who relates to me, and not being out to anyone makes it hard to EVER get my thoughts out. So basically I just see this as my chance to do that. I guess I'm looking for advice, looking for support or whatever but I know my story is also really hard to grasp. Like, hopefully people will relate but at the same time might be offended? If that makes sense. Anyway, I just need to get it out, here goes...

    I've pretty much known I was gay since maybe 12? Or even earlier. And I've always shown signs of being interested in things boys shouldn't be, and most of my friends growing up were girls. I mean, it was more normal at that age. Basically by middle school, it was me trying to hide it everyday, and at that point, it was uncool so of course I got called many names, and often was asked directly if i was. The thing was, at that point in my life i thought i could never come out, have a wife and family and be fine and no one would know. I still thought that way up until junior year of high school, even though all my best friends were female and though i played sports for school i wasn't really interested in typical guy stuff. I never had a girlfriend in high school, but my friends were good enough that it was never addressed. The issue has NEVER been addressed with my high school friends. But by senior year i had come to grips with the fact that i wasnt going to stay in the closet forever. There was no way i could lead a straight life forever. The thing is though like...there is nothing i want more in this world that to be a dad, and have a family. Like it kills me everyday that that will never happen for me, and thats basically whats keeping me in. At this point, if someone asked me directly if i was gay, I'd just tell them, thats how fed up I am. I don't know how much of this people can relate to, but I hate like... never being able to stay over at my friends when everyone else does (since they are girls) or not being invited to birthday parties or whatever just because its all girls. Like these are my best friends yet they can not invite me and not feel bad about it (Thats nothing against them, its just the nature of things) And don't get me wrong, I hang out with guys too, I'm just closer to my female friends. And now my female friends at college I can't even get close to because they just label me as a guy, and my guy friends i don't know, i just don't relate to well and would rather hang out with the girls.

    Basically its time for me to come out, but I have a problem...my family. I'm the second oldest of four kids (older brother, younger brother, younger sister) And we are Catholic and I know they wouldn't approve. And sometimes they say things that suggest like, i have a feminine side but they also talk against gay people sometimes and how its not really right, and they talk about when im older and am married...i dont know, it just kills me.

    So my problem at this point is that I'm so ready to come out because I'm fed up with not being close to my guy friends nor my girl friends, and i'm fed up with not being able to retain friends well because of that. But what kills me is how badly i want a wife and kids. I guess I just want to be normal. And my friends always talk about when they are married and when they want to have kids and i guess i just can't bring myself to admit that that won't ever happen for me. Another hard aspect about this is like...I think I'm kind of homophobic? But I've read thats normal for gay people, just because of the hate against us. Its just like, sometimes when i see guys in the mall or whatever just being really flamboyant and everyone is uncomfortable around them...I guess I get uncomfortable too (judge away, judge away). I don't want to be characterized even though i know i will be when i come out. And i live in a semi small town and I know word will get around and I guess I don't want to do that to my family.

    Basically I just don't know what to do! I'm more sure of myself than ever but at the same time, more confused than ever, if that makes sense? I know I want to be a dad and have a family but i would never want to do that to someone (lie to them like that) and i also just want to be able to have close friends for once, who i can totally be myself around. I have a lot of issues... So I don't even know what I'm looking for by posting here. I would be shocked if anyone even made it down this far in my post before getting distracted or falling alseep.

    Just that...going to college made me realize how alone i am. Its so hard for me to make good friends but thats like all i want. Please help. Coming out now=good decision?


    Thanks everyone for reading... glad I found this site so far.

    -Tyler
     
  2. Louise

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    I can't relate but I can empathise. It seems to me that you are going through what most of the people here are going through or have been through. You are not alone in feeling the way you do.

    As for being a dad one day, there are loads of homosexual couples who have kids, there is artificial insemination (of a woman willing to carry your baby) or adoption. This is maybe not what you would have wanted in an ideal world but the world is not ideal and we have to make the most of what we have.

    Try to keep things positive in your mind and for every problem there is a solution, maybe the second or third choice on your list but definately a solution.

    Hang on in there, you are doing fine :kiss:
     
  3. Alexander

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    Ahh the catholic church. What gays hate to love and love to hate. It's definitely one of the hardest religions to live with, because although it preaches love and dignity and all that stuff, it's really very anti-gay. I mean, there's even an ex-gay ministry (although shock therapy and destructiveness towards the body and mind aren't tolerated - huh I don't get it, but whatever). eew. Something I would never go to or even visit their website so I'm not mentioning any names.

    Point is, yeah it's hard, living as a gay person in a straight and religious house. But it's nothing that you can't get over.

    If your parents are worried about getting a bad name from you after you come out, they really aren't being good parents, are they?

    I suggest you head over to PFLAG though and grab "Our Daughters and Sons" and also the religion brochure.

    Other than that, I don't know what else to say at the moment, but good luck, peace, and don't worry about the future. Your life will fall into place.

    (*hug*)
     
  4. Charlie

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    Dear Tyler,
    First off I want to say that I have been where you are now hiding how I was born from family and friends. But I want to say something that I hope will make you sit and think. What exactly is normal? I have been with my partner ( illegal husband) seventeen years and we have five adopted kids. Our kids are not only well ajusted but all on high honors in school. This is normal to us even when I was told when I came out by my brother that I would never get married, or have a family or a home and would be doomed to hell and be lonely my whole life. Can you imagine if I had believed him and took him at his word? Can you imagine if I had also taken my family at their word and left God behind also? God is in our home alive and well, no church needed, no congregation needed, God listens to our children when they say their prayers, he listens to us when we say our prayers and this is normal for us. Nine years has passes now since we adopted our kids. They are thirteen, ten, nine, eight and six. They are healthy, love their two dads and this is normal for them. Others have tried in the past to tell them otherwise but they know the truth and the fact that they have two dads that have no issues with who they are, are proud of who they choose to love and to commit to. Someone a couple of years ago asked our kids what it was like not to ever have a mom, our child answered very honestly, " I do have a mom that was too sick to care for us, so she gave us two dads that love us unconditionally. Besides, we never had a mom since birth so how would we know we are missing what we never had"?
    You will lose some family members, some for good and some just for a bit until they realize you are no different now then you were growing up except you have been born gay. Some friends also but they were never really there for you to begin with because when another person insists you be something other then what you are they were never really family or friend to begin with. Some see the truth and run to embrace you and others will walow in their ignorance. Just don't live your life wishing for what could have been instead of what you can make it and use your future to make it everything special you deserve and "normal" for you.
    In closing, I'm gay and that is normal for me even when it was not "normal" for others that wanted to change me. Having a lover of seventeen years is normal because I prayed for him when I was very little and I prayed for a big family and it happened. yes we had to work for it but that makes it all the more worth it.
    Stay well and anytime you want to talk don't hesitate to reach out to me, I'll be there.
     
  5. beckyg

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    Charlie is right, Tyler! You can achieve anything you want to achieve. Its just sometimes we have to get there in ways than other than what we'd planned.
     
  6. Charlie

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    Listen to Becky Tyler, she is ALWAYS right! I do hope though you will respond back to our messages and let us know what you think. You took a great deal of time writing your first post and just to give you an idea of how much impact it had. it went all across the US and got responses from different corners of the world. (&&&)
     
  7. beckyg

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    I called on Charlie to help me out here. He has such a beautiful and well-adjusted family. I thought he could be an inspiration to you. :slight_smile:
     
  8. step49x

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    Well, first off, thank you Tyler for posting question, and thanks Charlie for your story. I'm going to have a hard time following that up, but there are a few things I'd like to comment on.

    Should you come out as gay? As it sounds like it's eating you up, I definitely think you should. You don't have to come out to everyone at once, but I do think you should pick one or two close friends, ones that you really trust won't go telling other people without your permission, and come out to them. If they're good friends, they will understand. If they desert you, perhaps those aren't really the types of people you want to hang around with. Also, if you don't want to tell your family right now, then don't. Feel free to wait until you've told a few friends, and have a bit of support at college, in case your family doesn't take it that well.

    So, you're now at college. Have you tried seeing what resources your college/local area has to offer? I think that would be very benificial to do, if you haven't already done so.

    I know you want to have a wife and family. That's what we're taught to want, pretty much since we're born. As a gay man, you can still have a family. It's just that it will be with another man, and not a woman. You say you want to be with one, but I don't think this is a good idea at all. It's not good for you, as you'll be living a lie, trying to pretend to love her when you really don't. You'll also be hurting her by dragging her into this marriage and getting her involved. But that's just my opinion. You are free to have your own one on that. I think that with time, though, it will become less of an issue (to marry a woman).
     
  9. acorn7

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    If you're scared of coming out to your family, which is totally understandable, try coming out to a close friend or a few of them and asking them for advice too... Sometimes it's much easier starting with the friends and then taking care of the family.
     
  10. skswt

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    Thanks everyone for taking the time to read my (giant) post and respond to it...I guess I just know I need to do it, but I don't know when (I pretty much already know who...a couple of my best friends, who probably suspect anyway). Sometimes I come so close to doing it, but its like...every moment after that will be different, its so hard. And I get what you're saying about "normal", but I think everyone has a different view of what normal is in their mind, and in my mind, I'm just not it. Pretty much I just need people I can count on until I come out to EVERYONE (Especially my family), so its inevitable I'll do it soon. But being in college makes it all the more difficult.

    And is it normal to feel the slightest bit homophobic? Is that just because I'm afraid of what people will think of me once I'm out, so I just pin those feelings on others?
     
  11. sayitforreals

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    man, this so sounds so much like me, only im Bi and Im not catholic. I really cant say whether or not its a good time to come out, as im only out to like 3 people, but I just thought I would post and tell you that I know how you feel, and it really sucks to be alone like that.
     
  12. step49x

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    Yes, it is normal to feel a bit homophobic.

    And yes, it's definitely hard coming out the first couple times. It took me months to tell my best friend at college. It's been a year and a half since I first started coming out, and I still get nervous every time I do it. Just realize that perfect opportunities don't always come, so sometimes you just have to go for it.

    Best of luck with everything! :slight_smile: