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Approach anxiety sucks

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Akatosh, Jan 23, 2013.

  1. Akatosh

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    There's this tall, attractive guy in one of my classes, and from day one we have sat within close proximity of each other. It seems that we are purposely sitting near each other now, and I'm wanting to introduce myself but don't really know how. I'm intimidated bc he is obviously out and proud, and I'm just sorta out and sorta proud. I don't fit a stereotypical look for a gay man, so I'm wondering if this is all coincidence sitting near each other, or if he can just tell I'm gay.

    Either way, I've dated one person who I met online, and have no real world experience in dating. I prefer to meet people in person, it's just convenient/takes little courage to meet online. Sorry to offend, I just noticed how much more courage it takes to meet in person. I feel I am ready to have a relationship, and feel that I'm doing it for the right reasons. I'm emotionally independent, I am very spiritual, and I feel whole and comfortable in my solice. Will it be a turn off for a more experienced man to date one who has one foot in the closet? I don't feel I will be embarrassed with respect to my classmates if I start dating him, I don't know them, vis versa.

    I think he's attractive, I know he's smart, and I'd like to settle down with someone like him eventually. Not saying that's what I'm expecting with this one, but he fits what I want in a mate almost to a t. Has anyone been in a similar posish?:help:
     
  2. counterspade

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    It sounds like a tricky situation. However, I see absolutely no harm in introducing yourself. I'm sure by this time, he probably has a grasp on something regarding your attraction to him. Keep the conversation light and open, experience his personality and let him experience yours. When you feel comfortable, if he hasn't made any type of first move, possibly ask him out for a cup of coffee or something similar.

    Your classmates should have little impact on your decision to pursue any type of potential with this man. They're not dating him, so why should they be involved in the situation?

    I would say simply start by introducing yourself. It might be awkward for the first five seconds or so. Just casually approach him, offer your hand and tell him your name. Let the conversation flow naturally after that. Talk about things he might like and offer your opinion if it's something you feel you may have in common. Just let things progress naturally. The more thought and stress you put into saying, "hello," the more awkward it might be down the road when the option isn't so easily available to you.

    Good luck! :slight_smile:
     
  3. Akatosh

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    Thanks counterspade for the advice. I can be a bit awkward (normally erceived as charming), and I am an introvert, so introductions don't make sense to me unless they are unavoidable. I talked to some extroverted friends, and they told me it isn't weird to introduce themselves to strangers. I don't talk to people in class, so it's going to be tough, I'm going to fumble through thoughts/speech. I can see him being nervous about approaching me since I don't fit into a stereotypical look. I am tall and pretty, and maybe he's interested in figuring out what kind of fish I am.
     
  4. shovelman

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    Well there are other ways to approach a person without direct contact like maybe partner up on assignments or maybe ask to borrow a pencil/pen or whatever, just something to give you a reason to say something to him. He's already gay so at least you don't have to figure that part out which makes things easier but a simple hello or hi when you start class could help introduce yourself to him. Good luck and I hope you find the courage to talk to him :slight_smile:
     
  5. bingostring

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    yes, don't rush from 1->10 with him
    go .. 1->2
    then maybe ...3
    and see
     
  6. Akatosh

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    Bingostring, are you referencing something, or do you mean in general, steps 1-10 of dating?

    He was a little bit late to class today, so there wasnt much time beforehand to strike up conversation. I have a discussion class later today, and I've already started the next homework so ill strike up conversation about that. Once I start talking, I think general interest will keep the conversation alive. Also, I stopped holding the expectation of talking to him according to a timeline bc it just adds pressure. We'll see what happens in a couple hours
     
  7. bingostring

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    Yes ... I simply meant just one easy step at a time
    no rush or panic
    and things should develop at a natural speed and not too much stress
    hope it goes well
     
  8. Amicus

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    Hi Andmow,

    Kudos to you for having the courage to try to do this! Approaching someone can be terrifying, but it's much better than nursing a secret crush that balloons into bitterness and a wounded sense of entitlement.

    This might come a bit too late if you have already attempted this tonight ( ! ), but just in case, advice for you:

    The important thing to remember is that he's just a human like you. Everyone has their issues and things about themselves that they're uncomfortable with. Don't put him on some kind of pedestal. Don't put so much pressure on this one conversation. Just talk to him.

    You know this already, but you don't want to start with: "HELLO I AM GAY AND SO ARE YOU LET'S DATE!!!"

    Instead, start with simple things either about your class or your immediate environment (i.e., things around the room you're in, things he's wearing, etc.). Follow up with a question that keeps things going. Some examples:

    "Hey, we had to do [x] for the assignment for today, right? What do you think of this class so far?"

    "That's a cool [object/article of clothing] you're wearing. Where'd you get it?"

    You'll very naturally be worrying about whether he likes you and thinks you're cool, but the important thing to do is actually the opposite. As you talk to him, ask yourself whether you're enjoying yourself. Do you like him? Is he cool? You only know him from class so far, so he might be a very different person (for better or for worse) than what you imagined. But you won't know until you talk to him :icon_wink

    Best of luck! Let us know how everything turns out.