hi, just looking for some advice here. my boyfriend of 3 months just told me about 2 past homosexual experiences he has had, but claims he is not gay or bisexual. let me briefly tell you about his 2 encounters and then i can tell you what my concerns are. the first was when he was 18 yrs old. he had messed around with some girls before then, but never had oral sex or any type of penetration (he was overweight in high school, never got the girls that he liked and was picked on quite often). he then met a girl in a club who he went home with and gave him his first blow job. the next morning he found out that this person was not a girl, but a transvestite. when he questioned her, she explained it as a genetic defect and made him feel comfortable with the situation. he claims that he did not know what a transvestite was a the time, that she really looked, acted and sounded like a girl and he truly believed she was a girl with a penis. with that being said, he continued in a relationship with this person for about a month having homosexual oral and anal sex. within that month he began realizing that something wasn't right and after seeking some advice realized what he was involved with and got out of the relationship. after this experience he had his first sexual intercourse experience with a female and said he loved everything about having sex with a women. at 19 years old, he married this women. they were married for the 3 years while he was serving in the military. he claims that he never thought about another man or penis during this time, even though he was surrounded by nothing but clean cut good looking men. after he was finished serving, they got divorced. he didn't deal with the divorce really well and claims he was reckless when he returned to the states, doing lots of drugs and partying. he had lost all of his baby weight and was now looking really good, but was finding it hard to meet any women. after a year and a half of not getting any girls, he says he began to question himself and his sexuality being that he was getting attention from only men. this leads me to his 2nd experience when he was 23 years old with a "real" man. a guy approached him in a club when he was extremely fucked up on all sorts of drugs (ecstacy, k, coke, alcohol) and going through a period of desperation in his life according to him. this guy was giving him the attention he had been seeking and he had never been with a "real" man, so he decided to give it a try. long story short, the left the club together, went back to my boyfriends place and started engaging in sex. he says that as clothes started coming off and he saw a mans body and hair, it turned him off. although he continued for a bit, he says that he was disgusted by having sex with a man and had to stop. he told the person that he wasn't feeling the situation and that he had to leave. since then, my boyfriend has only been with women, nothing serious until he met me. he says he knows what he has always been attracted to and it's women and that all having that experience did was give him closure to what his sexual preference is, however i do have some concerns. let me begin by saying that our relationship has progressed very, very quickly over 3 months. we are both extremely into each other and i have never questioned his feelings or attraction to me for a moment. he is probably the most honest person i have ever met and he says that he told me about these experiences because he wanted to be honest with me about his past and allow me to really step into his world and see where he comes from on all levels. my main concern is that he is only 26 yrs old and i am 31. i know how much a person can change from their 20's to 30's and i'm worried that this is something that may resurface. after all, he did get off from homosexual sex and expressed that "it wasn't all a nightmare" referring to his first experience with the transvestite. i understand that pleasure is pleasure, but i don't want to continue in the relationship if a few years down the road he is going to tell me that he is fantasizing about penis or that he is fully gay or even bisexual. i have NOTHING against gays or bisexuals, i just think that if you have those tendencies they will come out down the road and it's just something that i don't want to deal with in my future if i wind up marrying this person. he says that i turn him on in every way that anyone ever has and that there is nothing a guy can do that i can't do to him if he ever wanted it, which i do understand. and, he does say point blank that he is not attracted to men. i'm just really having a hard time being convinced that he isn't bisexual or may turn out to be fully gay down the road. i know some women are ok with dating a bisexual man, but i am not. it's just not something that i want in my life and at this point in my life i'm looking for someone to settle down with which is why i'm having some issues dealing with this. although he has been so honest with me, he has expressed how much he doesn't want to lose me, so i'm not sure if he is just biting his tongue now. since we are so "new," did he just tell me this to feel me out and see if he would ever be able to bring men into the relationship? i hope this post has not offended anyone and i really look forward to hearing your thoughts and advice. thanks!
Well when he had his first "real" sexual experience with a man, he was on drugs, so he wasn't in his usual state of mind. If he is really that crazy about YOU, then you don't have anything to worry about. I think you just need to trust him when he says he only likes women, and that he's had closure with expiramenting with men. I honestly think you have NOTHING to worry about! Don't let this insecurity ruin your relationship.
Hi, You apologized to us so I am curious... Would your boyfriend be offended you do not believe him in what appears to be brutal, embarassing honesty with you? Along the same lines have you outlined every social/sexual mistake you have made, regardless of how embarrassing it was to you to him? If the situation was reversed and he was posting here asking if a relationship with you was worth it with you when you question his honesty to you, what would you think the responses would be? If he is aware you don't trust him these are mute questions. Just something to ponder. Stuck
I can't really say what his orientation is from what you wrote.. He's probably lying to you about not knowing what a transvestite was while he dated that girl. Just saying.. How do you not know what that means; further, how do you have anal sex with the person and not know what a transvestite is. Him lying about that makes me feel like he's giving you the perception of being open/honest, but if he's as clever as many closeted individuals, he can simply be giving you lip-service (pun). On drugs, I've done a lot of things that I wouldn't ever do not on drugs. His curiosity may have piqued when the "real man" (I'm guessing the guy was a 'strict top' (screams insecurity)) met him at the club, but once again, that doesn't mean much on drugs. Many encounters I have had with women have been alcohol/other induced, and they didn't make me any straighter or gayer. You obviously know something is off, or you wouldn't have come here for advice. Without much knowledge of your personality/past, it makes it harder to pinpoint advice for you. I have dated many 'fag-hags' (sorry for the harsh terminology), and these women were attracted to men with feeble senses of sexuality. In all cases, those women were hoping to be "the one" girl that I couldn't pass up. I think their mindset was they'd be able to control me better since I wouldn't be looking for other dating options. Also, closeted, confused men are not well-established with self image, self esteem, confidence, so that added another layer of control for them. I attracted a lot of these types of women. The last woman tried getting into a physical fight with me after messing around and telling her 'no' to sex. I told her to get some help, and I showed her the door. I'm not demonizing you, or saying you're manipulative, I'm just painting the image of what has happened with me in the past. What exactly do you need advice about? What have your past relationships been like? ---------- Post added 23rd Jan 2013 at 01:05 PM ---------- Also, I'd be weary of someone who gets married at 19. Many closeted men do this thinking they won't have to deal with issues of being closeted, and it normally ends in screwed up marriages.
Hi, If there is no trust there is no relationship. I would not invest emotionally into somebody who did not trust me. Just my opinion. And it works both ways. Stuck
From reading what you said, I don't think he is gay or even bisexual. I think that he is straight. Did you know that a man's G-Spot is his prostate? I've heard of many straight men who like penetration. So while he may have liked sex with the transvestite, that does not mean he is gay or bisexual. The transvestite looked just like a female. If he ever were to have sex and feel that it wasn't right, then that's his mind telling him it isn't right for him and isn't what he wants. I truly do think he is only interested in you.
[/COLOR]Also, I'd be weary of someone who gets married at 19. Many closeted men do this thinking they won't have to deal with issues of being closeted, and it normally ends in screwed up marriages.[/QUOTE] i am weary of this as well. my main concern is that he is closeted. i think only time will tell, but i don't want to put in the time only to find out that the man that i love is gay. that is why i posted on here. to be honest, nothing has been off until he told me about all this. i'm just not sure how to handle it. i've never dealt with anything even close to this in past relationships. thanks again.
Yes, the uterus and prostate are the same organ under the influence of either estrogen or testosterone and both produce vast quantities of the orgasm neurotransmitter oxytocin when stimulated. Placement of the prostate and its ability to be stimulated defines a top or bottom. It is not a random choice.
Hi, You know... I have been thinking about this... For all his life experience your bf seems a bit naive. What this should teach him is to NEVER tell too much truth. The lack of trust with his truth should drive the lesson home. Possibly you will get less truth from here on out. Stuck
urm. we cant tell you your bfs orientation. however. if what somewhere down the line he did come out to you as being bi, you would leave him yes? have you spoken to him about it, if not then you should. would does he say about it? if you dont trust his word for him not being bi/gay then you dont have a relationship just as someone else said. relationships are built on trust. if you dont trust him you shouldnt be with him. he told you pretty early on though, so im pretty sure that was the best thing for him to do. you would probably be more upset if he left it for another 3 months or something. it probably took a lot for him to tell you of what happened, so if you dont trust his word then.... you dont trust him...
There are a lot of fish in the sea - you should explain your point of view as you did with us. He may try proving to you how straight he is, and you may forget about all of this. But, as you said, 'only time will tell', and this will resurface again most assuredly. You said he was torn up about his last relationship. Maaaaaybe, you could speak to his ex-wife (I understand the error here) about why they split and his orientation, but then you are just exemplifying your mistrust with him. Give us some more details about him after some questioning. He'll, how much time had you put in so far? If you think you smell something fishy, you probably smell fish, and you probably have decent inclinations to thinking he's gay/bi/whatever. Lots of fish in the sea... Just sayin.
He isnt gay and probably not bi either judging by his past encounter with a person actually looking like a man. One of my close friends loves to watch futanari/shemale porn and that is something I would never watch as a gay man, simply on the basis that they are more female than male looking, he admitted this to me because he was also questioning his own sexuality, I also have to mention that he isnt attracted to men. I remember a few days later here on EC one of the members posted a clip on male sexuality and it showed that shemale is actually very popular and statistically only shown to be viewed by predominately straight men then followed by bisexuals with no gay men watching it at all. I personally think its safe to say he wont go gay if thats what your worried about.
I have mixed feelings here. I find it difficult to believe that an 18 year old male didn't know what a transvestite was. It also wasn't a one time hook-up with her, it carried on for a month. I think you may only be getting part of the story here. It doesn't sound like he had performance problems so perhaps because she looked like a girl he had no difficulty with it. With encounter number two he agreed to go home with a male. It sounds like when they got home it was not what he expected and so he put a stop to it. I think this could be classified as simply experimentation, nothing more. You have only been with him for 3 months so have you considered that it might be best to just take things slow before you come to a conclusion? There are no guarantees in life. You could move on only to find that you've hooked up with someone else who hasn't shared his history with you and is actually bi or gay. Your boyfriend has been very open with you. It sounds like you are in a rush to either move on or get married. It might be better to give the relationship more time and see where it goes.
I never understood why straight men watch it.. If you go to a straight porn site, there will sometimes be a section on transsexuals. Why not just make him a man, and pass on the whole xerxes thing going on. I'm not being critical, I really do try to understand other men's preferences; be it straight, bisexual, gay, or whatever else. ---------- Post added 23rd Jan 2013 at 09:11 PM ---------- Thank you, crazy guy. That was my point too. I think he's covering up a lot about his past, which is shady. It's manipulative for him to make her think that he's being transparent, and he claims a lot of naivety that's just not rational when put into perspective. People tend to drop their guard when you "open up" to them, which is fine and all, except when the person opening up uses that to manipulate. I know this because I have done it to people, including the last girl I dated. It's a sociopathic trait that people use to control others. I went through a horrible phase where I thought I was a sociopath, and even started to accept it. In reality, I had learned to control my reality by manipulating others, because I did not ever want to come out. There's no trust in this relationship above. She's right for having a hunch that he's being shady.. Exactly what he's being shady about, I don't know. More than likely, he wants to fit in. ---------- Post added 23rd Jan 2013 at 09:14 PM ---------- He's open, but it's a disarming technique to get you to trust him and to get you to believe the reality he paints for you. You never mentioned what was special about this guy, just that he was some guy. Find another one, you're only 3 months in. Nbd.
I think he is straight. You mentioned heavy drug and alcohol use. Two things that definitely can alter his thinking. He might have been acting based on the effects of both drugs.
l really don't think he's bi. or gay. l don't think it's super common for most straight men to have that curiousity, but it does happen. Also 20s-30s is like two entirely different lifetimes IME. At 26 people really understnad what they like and don't like(if they're telling you so). l know the general line of thinking is that men just aren't fluid in their sexuality but it can be damaging. For some men that's not true. l know entirely too many straight women who would be appalled if their husband grilled them this way about ever having an experience with a woman.
I don't understand why you wouldn't date a bisexual man. What's the fear? If it's fear of losing him to a man, then would you feel better losing him to another women instead? Are you just insecure that he might be able to appreciate men? If he's committed to you, then you don't have to worry about losing him to someone--whether man or woman. If he's devoted to you, then you don't have to worry about him checking out someone else--whether man or woman. So why would him being bisexual be so bad? Just because? Does the idea of both you and him looking at men walking down the street make you feel uncomfortable? I do sense a bit of bitterness towards gays/bisexuals. Otherwise, you wouldn't have a problem with him being one. If you lose him, you lose him. Doesn't matter if he's bisexual. If he stays with you, it doesn't matter if he's bisexual--unless you don't like bisexuals.
thank you everyone for your input and opinions. crazyguy & andmow - your point that his honesty is to gain control over me and the relationship is something that i hadn't thought of. makes me think. i also do not understand how an 18 year old guy does not know what a transvestite is. i know he had a strict mother and did not have much of a life in high school, but still.. hmmm. andmow - we have discussed this at length numerous times since he told me (which was only 1 wk ago). he is aware of my hesitancy. his story has remained consistent, he says he knows what he wants in his heart and he thinks it's unfortunate that i'm not completely getting it, but he thinks that i will in time. he says that he loves me and i've had his full attention since the day that we met. on a side note, there have been NO arousal or performance problems at all. the one stick in my mind though is that he seems to playing this "desperation" card. when he had his first "real" male experience he was desperate and unable to attract females (which i also find hard to believe because he is extremely good looking). through all the questioning i've been putting him through, and it's been a lot, i sort of got out of him that if we were not together, and he went though another period (some years) of desperation without any relationship or contact with a female, he would maybe go that route again. clearly there are a lot of insecurity issues here, but if you are not attracted to men, which he says he is not, and were disgusted by your first homosexual experience, which he says he was, why would the thought of going that route cross your mind again? i guess only he knows what he was truly going through at that moment in time and it was so strong that he can understand how and why he was able to be with a man.. but i see it as he is unable to declare extreme heterosexuality. phospholipase - i have no bitterness towards gays or bisexuals. the reason why i would not want to date a bisexual man is simply because i'm now competing with 2 sexes. if he ever chose to leave me for another women, at least i know i was the best woman i can be in our relationship. if he chose to leave me for another man, that battle was lost before it even began.
