So I'm drinking right now and I want to ramble off thoughts that are in my head. I don't really care if it's too long or my grammar sucks . So I have a pretty nice crush on this guy. I met him when he got a job where I was working. We worked together as equals for almost a year. Over that time we got to be good friends. GOOD friends. We always hang out, we know each others' tendencies much better than anybody else's, we're really similar, people always tease us about being gay together (he gets a lot of crap from people just by himself about people thinking he's gay...he takes it in stride...he's a really strong willed person...I wouldn't expect him to be phased by that, and he's not publicly), etc. We always buy each other stuff (dinner, groceries, random shit) and even have squabbles about who is paying for dinner. He is very physical with me. He always brushes up against me at work, hangs his arm on my shoulders, hugs me, pokes me, drums on my chest, all sorts of gratuitous touching which he doesn't do EVEN A LITTLE BIT with other guys (trust me I watched for a while because I was perplexed by it). You know how like lower back and upper leg are kind of personal places to be touched by someone else? Arms, legs, upper back, and shoulders no big deal a stranger could touch you in any of those places and it would elicit nothing. But more personal places (not my junk) he felt were totally in-bounds to him. I certainly didn't mind but he's kind of bold when he touches me in some of these places. He even makes jokes about "when we're finally together" but I dunno I don't want to read too far into it. At this point we are already practically dating. His parents are awful. He has said on many occasions to me that he's never heard his dad say "I love you" to him and his mom is super control freak. The image he tries to exude is one of a ladies man (very good looking) who is well dressed and well spoken. Problem is... he's never had a real gf. He dated a girl for a couple months his senior year of high school. Has had only 2 or 3 confirmed hookups, one from a girl who said he couldn't finish (take that to mean what you will). You've heard this story a million times. Bromance. Except I'm seriously crushing on him. And I think he's gay. No. I am 95% positive he's gay. I only leave the 5% because I don't like absolutes. But it's about as close to absolute as you can get with your clothes still on. He was the reason I came out of the closet. I wanted him so badly and nothing was progressing with me trying to be a straight dude. So long story short, I come out of the closet essentially to put myself in a position to start pursuing him. I came out to him (not my crush on him, just my orientation) months before I came out to any of my other friends because on top of him being my crush, he's also one of my best friends in Atlanta. He was totally cool about it and I knew he would be. Nothing changed about how flirtatious we were with one another except for the fact he knew I was gay now, and didn't stop the flirting. I reached the point (due to past experiences where I stayed silent and eventually hated that decision) where I decided I was going to tell him about it. I built it up telling him I needed to tell him something if he had 15 minutes of spare time outside of work. There was literally like a 2-3 week period where multiple times he'd try to get me to tell him what I needed to tell him in the most inappropriate of circumstances (namely around other people or at work, I think he was doing it on purpose because he suspected what it was). Eventually the two of us were alone at my house and he very casually brings up that he remembered that I needed to talk with him about something. I tried to back out but he was like "No come on you have to." So I just swallowed and told him. I told him not only that I had feelings for him, but that I also thought that I was detecting (because I was) vibes that he might have some feelings for me too and that I'd be willing to take it further if he had any interest, either in secret or publicly. Much to my surprise, he denied everything. He said that's how he is with all of his friends. Not only is this not true, but it's COMPLETELY not true. He's not like that with ANY of his friends. I listed example after example after example after example of serious signal sending - at times even over the top signal sending. Whatever. This takes a toll on me. I begrudgingly tell him I'm sorry for misreading him and I will do what I can to stop crushing on him. Very next day, I planned not to say much if anything to him because I was kind of embarrassed. That day and for the next couple weeks on this fucker starts flirting with me EVEN MORE than he used to before. Extra focus on me. I was so confused. But that all came to a screeching halt because not even a month later I was promoted and all of a sudden I was his boss. Everything, including our friendship came to a dead stop. We didn't even hang out anymore. The crush faded to a disappointing chapter that had passed. We were friendly at work but that's about it. Well fast forward about 9 months to the beginning of December '12. He still works there. I told him I was quitting the job at the end of the year. As a result, he and I began hanging out again. We picked right back up where we left off. Each time we saw each other it was like we took an additional step towards that chemistry we always had. Well I can say at this point it's back now, emotionally. Back to where it was. Not so much physically but I have a feeling that will work its way back in. I thought I shed myself of this guy but I didn't. We hang out all the time again. That chemistry is back. More importantly my strong crush on him has returned. I'm no longer his boss. The only thing that's different is that every time we hang out, after we're done I feel sad. Sad because I don't know if it will ever amount to what I think it can or should. SO WITH ALL OF THAT SETUP here is what I was actually getting to. I want to take a step forward but... I confessed my feelings for him already. Is there a point to doing it again? First time he fed me some lines about he treats all of his friends that way :eusa_liar. Why wouldn't he do it again? I don't know if I can continue to hang out with him because I've been getting progressively sadder every time we hang out because the chemistry is absolutely there. I can't tell him I like him again to his face. The disappointment from last time is too fresh and really kind of painful. I want to write him. I want to tell him that as painful as it may seem, I'm fucking crazy for him. All that time we weren't hanging and I thought I was over him... turned out to actually just be my crush festering inside of me for that time and all of that pent up desire is now starting to manifest in the form of depression-like behavior. If he really doesn't want to move it further, then for my own health I don't know that I can continue to hang out with him. This is such a painful thought. But I can't just keep hurting myself in the form of hanging out with him and flirting and practically acting like we're dating. It's tantalizing. My letter will tell him (if written) that in spite of what I may have told him about my prior feelings, I do still feel really strongly about him. I want to take things further and if this is something you are not interested in (I will lay out my {outrageously strong} case supporting my point) then I don't think I can hang out with him anymore. The pain is too strong. I'm just sad because the thought of not hanging out with him is really painful too. I dunno this is all really fragmented but any suggestions?
I'd say write it. It sounds to me like he could or could not be gay. But if he is, he's either not ready to accept it himself or isn't ready to come out for whatever reason (maybe his parents, from the way you describe them). I think you're right that it's not healthy for you to be around him when you have such strong feelings. When you write the letter, I'd tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him the feelings you have for him, how it's hurting you to be around him, and how hard it is to let him go as a friend. Not to make him feel guilty, but so he understands what you're going through and that you're not cutting it off out of anger, but out of necessity. If you write the letter, there's a possibility he'll understand where you're coming from, and will let you go. If he IS gay and does like you, there's also a chance that the thought of losing you will be the incentive he needs to spill his true feelings. I'd say the former is more likely, but hey, I like optimism I really feel for ya man. I know what it's like because I've been in a similar situation. And I know it's easy for me to say, but don't let it get you down too much.
I was in exactly the same position as you, albeit perhaps more confusing (more ups and downs). I actually documented most of it in a thread you can read here. To make a long story short, I met a guy, liked him a lot as a friend, and eventually started crushing on him. We're both bisexual. I was often very confused, since we definetly acted like more than friends, talking about really personal, deep feelings and secrets. We acted like twins (always hanging out at school, always involved in conversations together, etc). I was pretty open about expressing affection to him, such as smiling at him all of the time, and sometimes when we were on our own, giving him a hug. However, despite seeming to be very close, and having a few "moments" of great closeness (a really close hug, etc), he never seemed to pursue me. Didn't ask me over much, and never bothered inviting me anywhere with him (trust me, it's not because he was embarassed, he's out of the closet). So I ended up getting so tired of getting excited, depressed, excited, depressed, that I wrote him a letter explaining my feelings in their entirety. I didn't pressure him to say he shared them, I just told him how I felt, and said that if he felt the same, I would love to take things farther, but if he didn't, I'd still want to be friends. Giving him that letter was the fucking scariest thing I have ever done in my life. I didn't hold back, I wrote about how much he meant to me, how much I respected him, and that I loved him, so there was nothing hidden. He could have done anything he wanted with that, not to mention that I half-expected him to break off all contact. When I handed him the letter I was nearly shitting myself, lol. He didn't feel the same. But, he was extremely kind, caring, and understanding about letting me down. I've never had someone treat me so kindly, so it wasn't really heartbreaking. I know that he meant it, that he likes me a lot as friend, but knowing that I had a friend who cared enough to realize how much it took for me to be open like that is almost as good as having a boyfriend. And we're still wonderful friends, things aren't awkward in the slightest. I still love him, but I also know that I can't make him love me, nor would I want to change him. Trust me, knowing is way better than not, as you can't truly move on without knowing whether or not you had a chance. Just emphasize in the letter that your friendship is real, that you never had any hidden agenda (i.e pretending to be a friend just to get in his pants), so that he knows that even if he doesn't feel the same, you guys can continue on just as ever, if not better friends than before.
First off 4AllEternity I read your situation with your bi friend. Really awesome story, I totally enjoyed reading it and honestly took several things from it as well. One of the more compelling tales I've read on this site. Would definitely be down to hit you up for some details about it. That being said I think our situations are a bit different fundamentally. The biggest difference is that my crush is not out of the closet at all. I wouldn't bring too much attention to this otherwise, except that I honestly believe that this is the main reason for our stagnancy. But reading about how close you and your boy got at times...I related to it so much. Any situation where we're sitting next to one another and our knees touching the whole time, our looks into one another's eyes that are far more than what normal friends do, it totally hit home. The problem is...and this pains me a bit to say...but I think our friendship is based on this crush. If he doesn't feel the same, I don't know that we can go on the same way. If I give him the letter that I'm thinking about giving him (I haven't written it yet) then I don't think it could be business as usual with us. Maybe it can I don't know. Your situation made me think a lot about how if it turns out he has no feelings for me at all. It honestly would be really hard on me. But I would carry on. I know what I have to offer somebody else but...damn I really want this guy.
I'm sorry that you're going through this . I have to agree with Caleb you need to let him know exactly how you feel because even if things don't turn out the way you want them to you will at least know that you said (or wrote) what you had to and that it's now up to him to make the choice because your feelings are far more important and this is making you feel pretty bad. So yes, you should write that letter and let him know everything and I truly hope everything turns out OK no matter how he responds. (*hug*)
Well, I wouldn't assume that he wouldn't want to be friends still, as long as he doesn't feel like you'll force the issue, you guys can still chill and have a good time. However, if you know that you can't have a relationship outside of romance (perhaps because it would just be too confusing), than that's fine. I say still give him the letter. Part of what was so good about my letter to my crush, was that no matter what he replied, be it "I love you too", or "This is weird ", I'd be at peace. I was just so tired of being confused, that even complete rejection would be better than going on without knowing. As it turns out, he didn't feel the same, but he still really cared about me. So, I was disappointed, however, I could finally start to move on. Maybe things will change, and we'll be together sometime, but I've accepted that may never happen, and have been able to happily be just friends, and being optimistic that I'll find someone some day.
