So anyways as most know I have been not eating a lot at all... Anyways my mother said I was to skinny my brother was worried and contacted her. Anyways my dad really hurt my feelings today. He saw me and he hasn't seen me in a while and said and I quote "you look like a faggot, is that what you want? To be a faggot?" I was like wow he's like "put some muscle on I had a son not a daughter" I'm just really upset and hurt like I haven't seen you in a while and that's what you have to say? And he won't talk to me
are you still eating crackers and i think something vegetable as your diet? EDIT: yes, it would hurt for your father to say that, but what about your mother and your brother worrying you?
No I have a nutritionist coming next week my mother higherd her to help me and to also cook for me. I'm happy my mother and brother care but I always seek approval from my father and its like nothing I do is good ebough. He always makes gay jokes around me says homophobic things he even went and made fun of Ellen fr being a lesbian. Ok not out yet to them but I feel like he already knows and is ashamed of me
well, that's good that you have a nutritionist. because you and your other threads concern me. as for the other one, i don't know how to reply. there are so many people in the world, and one can never do enough to please people. there are choices you have to make. and sometimes, it's not always your fault.
I feel so separated from my father he is never here business comes first and I hate it I can't talk to anyone about my feelings and I have to keep then locked up inside its so hard
I wish I could help you out more than posting. It has to be awful living in that situation. Having someone picking on you is not going to help at all. Make sure you eat a healthy diet it will make you feel better and help you defend yourself. The good thing is being 18 you have options and can get out of the situation if you feel like you need too. Always remember you have your EC family here to support you.
Thank you so much! I'm so scared for the day I come out to them it makes me cry sometimes because I know they will never accept me
well, I have been staring this thread and I am stuck at words. I don't know your father's upbringing and his views on homosexuals, but from that one phrase from the original post, perhaps he worried about your health but was just terrible at phrasing it. I don't know well your relationship with your father since, like you said, he probably put business first...
wow dude, sorry to put it this way, but your dad is an ass! (*hug*) sorry you have to go through that!
No it's ok I know...... He is....... I love him but I've never bonded with him our conversations are so awkward I feel so weird when he talks to me I feel like I'm talking to a stranger...... I can't explain the feeling inside but it feels cold and just weird...... All he ever talks about is business, sport and universities I should be attending and when I should find a wife a "suitable" wife. So FUCKING annoying I feel stressed enough being gay I don't need to be told to find Someone to marry UGH ARG UGH UGHHHH!!! I just want to cry all the time I feel like I don't know myself like I should know myself I think it is because I've been told that who I am is no good and I should be a person to impress. Like the other day my mother and I were going shopping we hadn't done that in a while anyways this guy gets in his Beemer beside us (my mother has a range rover) anyways she looks this guy up and down and looks at me with a face is disgust and says "people who look like that should not be driving a luxury car it makes the company look bad" I WAS LIKE WTFFFFF how do you know he isn't as rich as us!? Just because he isn't dressed nicely imagine that he is a real human and doesn't want to dress up to go shopping holy shit. It just bothers me now it didn't before because I didn't see our actions were wrong. But now I do and I know why I am so fucked up in the head because I was raised so so so wrong. Like I'm not fake tanning anymore I had a woman complement my porcelain white skin today lmao I was shocked. I am naturally very white but I have a pure white face I hate it but I guess people like it? My mother always said I looked like a albino I was so white so I hated my skin so I tanned. But It takes so much maintaining it and its not worth it.but ya can you see why I'm always stressed
Alexander, both of your parents already know you are gay. You mentioned before that when your mom got angry she called you a little faggot or something, and clearly your dad, by his references also knows. They may not want to admit it, they may be trying to stay in denial... but they know. And, this is really tough to hear, but... unfortunately, it's unlikely your dad will *ever* connect to you, or give you his approval. He's clearly a very unhappy person who spends his life traveling for work. Your mom is clearly equally unhappy and numbs her unhappiness by spending all the money your dad makes on stupid shit no one needs... and she also numbs by judging and insulting everything and everyone else, because it makes her feel better about herself. You've grown up with this, and so it's no wonder that you have these huge insecurities and unhappiness, and have held the values you've held... because it's all you've known. And children inherently seek the approval of their parents, and no matter how shitty their parents treat them, they *still* seek their approval... in many cases, they continue to do that, unconsciously, when they are older and their parents aren't even living any longer. So the tough part is learning to believe in yourself, having the body that YOU want, not the body your mom or dad or anyone else wants you to have. And you aren't there yet, because you're stlll really concerned about what other people think, and you're still buying into the fucked up images that the fashion and other industries put out there that are the cause of enormous pain and suffering in so many ways. But you're also talking about these things and that's a huge, huge improvement. We let go of our shame by talking about the things that we most fear, and are most ashamed of. We learn to love ourselves by learning to let go of judgment about not being buff/skinny/tall/tan enough. When you can truly look at yourself, exactly as you are, and say to yourself "I am enough. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am loveable" ... and REALLY mean it... that's when you are really healing yourself. You'll get there. Because you are all of those things. Right now, exactly as you are. You just aren't ready to accept that yet.
I wish I had people like all of you with me around me in person ❤ I always feel so alone and I always feel like crying at night because I think about everything I just wish I could be me!!!! I want to just be me be happy be in love I want this NO I need this so bad I crave it I would sell everything give up anything and everything for this no one knows how much I need this I.... UGH
Alexander... you WILL have people like that around you. You still need to do some work on yourself, as I said, to love and believe in yourself, because... until you start to do that, you're not going to attract healthy people who will just love you for you. But as I said, you're on the right track. It sucks to be depressed and crying all the time, and to feel alone. But any emotional healing that's worth anything requires going into this dark stuff that we're all afraid of. And you're doing that. Plus, you aren't really alone. You do have the EC community around to support and help you, and the more you talk about, and work to change the feelings and beliefs that have been imposed on you, and be your own person... the more you'll feel different, stronger, more loveable. And *that* is when you'll be better able to attract someone loving and healthy who will love and appreciate you for who you are... not for what you look like, what clothes you wear, what money you have, or anything else. They probably won't be rich, drive a BMW, and spoil you with expensive bullshit... but they will love you for you. And, in my book, that's what matters.
