How did you become comfortable with being gay?

you dont have to be part of the stereotype if thats what you're saying, everyone's an individual and can express that any way they want

I myself have no gay friends what so ever, the closest I'll get is a bisexual best friend and even then I dont really believe her, she hasnt even shown any girl attraction tendencies

All my friends know about me and thats all that matters tbh, I dont have to relate to anyone because my sexuality is just key part of me, it doesnt have to swallow everything I would do, Im still the same person I was when I was in the closet, if anything I am more happy

 

I was never really uncomfortable. I had to hide who I was and any overt actions because of the day and age but as far as personal discomfort, there was no problem.

 

Hi,

Don't know how unique I am but I never had angst over being gay.

Sure, I have lead a closeted gay life but that does not relate to self acceptance, but rather social acceptance. Two very different things to me. It is the "When in Rome..." axium in action.

Being gay was no different to me than accepting my hair color, my eye color my height or body hair. It is what it is.

No angst over being gay, I just kept a low profile to avoid the roaming packs of dogs general society was/is towards gays.

Stuck

 

I'm a lot like you, I don't fit in the gay stereotype. But that's okay! It's not because you're gay that you have to act girly and all that. There's all kinds of gay people, the non-stereotypical ones just seem to be in the minority because... Well, they don't fit the stereotype so you can't immediately recognize them. But they're definitely out there!

Just be yourself, there's no need to conform to anything. The gay community will accept you for the wonderful guy you are

 

This is the main thing that gets most people, me included. From the outside the LGBTQ community can seem very strange to the "norm" because you are looking at it from a very skweded perspective. Think about it like trying to judge how housewives behave in the US by watching shows like "Desperate Housewives" and "The Real Housewives of whatever". Yes, the show will show you some people from that group, but it won't show you the whole picture.

So what can you do? Explore this "community" and get a sense for yourself. Its hard to do when we are in the closet, but, lucky for us, the internet makes it easier. Use EC for that purpose; read other stories, interact with other people, ask questions and try to find people who match your views. Little by little you will realize that the picture that you have in your head doesn't match the whole picture. And at that point it becomes easier to accept that you are gay and that doesn't change anything about you.

Also, just as a tip, I would say that close to 60% of posts we get here look very much like yours so if its any consolation you are far from being alone

Welcome to EC

 

I denied denied denied. I'm masculine, found the stereotypical gay thing as interested but not for me. And I'm not a huge drinker so gay bars? Stay tuned.

How I became comfortable? When I realized and when I felt that gay is who I am. I AM gay, always have been. I think of things that happened years ago- and think damn, who was I fooling. My health, emotional state, life have so improved in the past couple of months.

Now I got to figure out how I live out- that's a journey yet. It's going to require me to go way beyond my comfort zone. I'm making gay friends my age, and looking fOrward, with some trepidation, to having a blast!

All the best. Peace

 

Accepting my sexuality has been an ongoing and multi-step process. But I'd say a big part of it has come from being on EC, reading other peoples' stories, talking to them, and realizing that the idea of "gay" I had in my head was way too narrow. Now I don't know how representative EC is of the entire "gay community," but the fact that so many people on here are in situations like yours and mine makes me think I'm not as "alone" as I feel sometimes.

 

How did I become comfortable with being gay? Well, quite frankly shutting off the external world of uniformity of any and all groups perseptions of me and my lifestyle. Its no one elses business who you date or what you do in that relationship at home or wherever. Of course, this is easier said than done just give it time and your confidense will bloom in this area to some extent.

The second point about the lgqtb community reflects the struggle that all of us face in normal society being the fight against ignorance. The media weaves dramatical exaggerated claims to reifirm, alienate or in general control certain stereotypes for ratings or other nonaltruistic purposes not for the general good. Keeping that in mind tthat the gay community in D.C, gay bars, book stores and Human Rights Campaign places are not homogenious with the log cabin republicans to liberals, muliple races, multiple religious or nonspiritual, old to young, body builder to desk pencil pushers (like me) or etc that the gay community is just different in general.

A final note is that you hopefully don't apply the same logic on mass culture as in other things because that could cause problems tthere too! I mean in general culture on television that african americans are depicted as criminals, drug addicts, women beaters, etc and would you believe all AA individuals are like that? In fact, I'd say no cause my last bf is AA andd totally listened to rock'n'roll and didn't act a bit feminen at all. It just goes to show that the Hollywood elites need to listen to us more not control us in teir image.


hope this helps,
Peter

 

Stereotypes like these exist only because it is the most obscure thing about the group. Most gay people are just like you, and don't fall into it. It's not interesting to hear about anything being "normal." It is just like how most black people don't deal drugs and live in ghettos, and most Mexicans don't "Just drive around listening to raps and shooting up all the jobs while stuffing their lowriders full of free healthcare." as Malory Archer put it.

As far as accepting yourself and becoming comfortable, find out who you are and BE who you are. Next time you're shopping for clothes, for example, buy what YOU like yourself, not what you think others will like. Grow your hair out the way you want it. Listen to what you want. Spend your time the way you want. Maybe you already do all this, but this is what helped me become comfortable in my own skin. It's all connected. The more parts of you that you accept and love, the easier it is to love and accept the rest of you.

 

If you're uncomfortable about being gay because of the way you perceive other gay people, then all you need to realise is just how little being gay means. Think of it as being left-handed or something.

 

AlamoCity,

Before, I just would never think about my sexual feelings, and I always made sure there was something else to do if I ever got close to thinking about it. I never would put myself in a sexual situation, because I was terrified to find out that I was gay.

What I finally did to accept being gay was to acknowledge that I am valuable enough to feel love for others and receive love in return. I went to a LGBT meeting and noticed that the other guys were checking me out, and I liked it. It makes you feel so free to just finally know something about yourself that the shame just goes away. I mean, it doesn't go away overnight. But for me, it's getting smaller and smaller every day.

 

I never went through any phases really. I've known I was bisexual ever since I began having sexual feelings during puberty. However, I always assumed I was hetero-romantic, as I'd never had even the slightest actual feelings for a guy. About two years ago, I read a book which had the most amazingly life-like characters, one of which was incidentally gay (it wasn't a sappy romance novel, the character's sexuality had little to do with the plot). The character was very vocal about his sexuality during a few scenes; those speeches suddenly made me realize what it really meant to be gay. It didn't just mean being sexually attracted to other guys, it was about loving them. It's strange, I live in a very progressive area, with a very progressive family, so I've never been exposed to extreme homophobia. However, I think that society in general only looks at the sexual side of being gay, that's all that's ever talked about really. It just never occurred to me that being gay meant you actually loved another man. I mean, I intellectually knew that of course it involved love, but I dunno, it's like the concept just didn't feel real. So that experience sort of flipped on a switch inside me, suddenly I realized that I was open to the idea of loving another guy.

About a year after that (so 2012), I met a guy at school who I just clicked with. We started off as friends, we got along so well. Then one night, as I setting my alarm for the next morning, I realized that I had fallen in love with him. It was the strangest feeling, suddenly noticing something that deep within myself, especially since I'd never been in love before (I'd had crushes, but they definitely were not love). I wasn't bothered by the idea, but a little unsettled. However, it eventually flourished, and though he didn't end up feeling the same (despite being bisexual too), we remain the best of friends.

I guess I'm lucky, but I've never once felt shame for being who I am. I went from being straight-leaning bisexual to the opposite, gay-leaning, without looking back.

 

Don't worry man you're definitely not alone. I was having a lot of trouble with the same thing, worried that because I am so far from what a stereotypical gay man acts like (except for the whole dating dudes thing) or dresses like or speaks like. Not only am I not like that, I am not attracted to it either, it's kind of a turnoff for me.

When I came to this site, one of the first things I read was this and I was like fuck yeah I'm definitely in a good place to try and hammer some of this out. "You have to know that everything you think about what being gay is about, is wrong. You'll find your own path; and it doesn't have to look like anything you've seen before." <= that was a quote from there that really stuck with me. I related to every single word of this person's post. With some brief exploring and posting on this site, you'll come to find there's an abundance of us... we just have a difficult time finding one another (at least I do) in the offline world because we're kind of tough to spot. Good luck with everything brother.

 

l get a lot of what you're saying, sometimes l do feel like l'm truly signing myself over to a life with less prospects. l don't know if that feeling is ever to fade completely. And l am NOT the type to take a leap of faith so for so long as l was taking the advantage of the opportunities right in front of me thinking it would just work out. Dating men.

Once you know that it doesn't you just don't have another option, l guess. Unless you don't care about not being totally satisfied with your partner(which is OK for some people).

But l wouldn't look at the gay community from the outside in. Think about how many groups of friends you had or coworkers who all seemed strange and foreign to you before you became a part of that group.

lt feels that way with any group until you work yourself into it.

 

I've noticed that some gay men change themselves into the gay stereotype, just to be accepted. Sometimes we think that we have to fit into a cliche. I think that being who you really are is what's really going to change things in the rest of society. What I mean is, that when someone learns that I'm gay, they have to rethink everything they've believed about gay people, because I don't act like the stereotype. So you can take alot of pride in knowing that you're changing things. I tried for years to put to the side my sexuality, until I accidentally fell in love with a straight man, and then I decided that it was too much to try and be something that I'm not. I came to a point that allowing myself to love someone else did not seem like the worst thing anymore. Good luck on finding some people that you can identify with. I have the same problem in East TN.

 

Personally, I'll admit that I'm still not very...comfortable with being bi. I prefer guys over girls but do want to end up getting married and having kids one day, so me being bi would definitely play a big role in all of that. I'm only out to a handful of my close friends, as well as several other people who I either told spur of the moment or I was outed to by a certain biotch that I know. With those friends though I am comfortable with my sexuality, especially with my buddy Matt, but that's a different story.

As for 'following stereotypes' I definitely don't. I wouldn't really be classified as your 'average gay guy' in any way. Well I like several female singers and read 'girly' books occasionally, but that's on my own time. All my guy friends that I came out to were legitimately surprised but still very accepting. Anyone who meets me thinks I'm straight, which, for now, I'm fine with. That's what I act like at school and I guess that means I'm doing my job. So you don't have to fit the archetype for a gay guy to be classified as gay.

 

For me, being a bi is a blessing. I can see what most people can't see, and being bi makes me humbler than average person, because I can feel the feeling of being an "outcast" so I won't judge people quickly and say anything bad to any person. Also being bi makes me can see other side of life. So... don't be afraid, don't be worry, just being yourself and chase what you want yourself to be...

 

With the exception of one stereotypical thing that I love (going to the theater), I'm the straightest looking guy you'll ever meet. I'm overweight, have facial hair (and no,.I'm not nearly identifying as a bear - that's not me - I'm just out of shape by far) and work in a male-dominated field (technology). I'm the biggest geek that you'll ever know, if there's a new gadget, I've got to have it.

What I'm trying to say (and seem to be a broken record in several threads over several days - apologies to anyone that feels *yawn, read this from him before!* ) is that you need to live to be authentic to yourself, and not someone else's expectations of you, or your own expectations of what it's like to "be gay".

This is something that I've struggled with as well, so you're certainly not alone. Maybe I found (subconsciously) the performing arts to be interesting because it was "expected" (this was long before I'd accepted myself). However, it's something that I enjoy (but not something I could actually do!).

In fact, my ideal BF is either in performing arts with an interest in technology, or in technology with an interest in performing arts. That why we're more similar than different