Ok -- I'm writing about this, because I feel if I write about it here, it'll be in black and white and next time I'll DO IT Went to my support group last night. Two of the guys I've become close to (phone calls, texting, etc) -- were not there. I REALLY expected to go with the group out to a gay bar afterwards, was pretty excited (ok, and darn anxious) about it. Well the group was going out, but by the time it got to it, there were only 2 guys (plus me) left, and the 2 guys I hardly know. (and you know, its not the first time I've been to a gay bar, its just the first time as I'm coming out) WIMPED OUT. I'm so pissed at myself. I know I need to push the boundaries of my comfort zone to begin to have an out life and enjoy myself. I absolutely refuse to be one of those guys who sits at home watching junk TV instead of finding people to hang with. (and b/c of a family emergency, I had to cancel my therapist today) Ok EC friends -- give me (a gentle) kick in the ass.... I will do this... soon
Are you ready? For sure? I'm not. But.... There's this restaurant (I guess it's like a club-Aurant) that I can totally handle. Baby steps! But if you just want a kick in the pants and don't want to take it slow, then GO!
Pete, don't think of it as a 'gay bar'. A good friend and work colleague of mine helped me out big-time as I was coming out, and introduced me to my city's gay scene. He could tell I was nervous, so he said to me as we left the first place (he took me to several differmt bars / clubs) "see - it's just a bar". Stop thinking in terms of a trip to a gay bar, and think of it in terms of an evening out with friends in a bar.
I agree with Given - its a bar - its patrons all happen to have similar interests. And lets give yourself some credit - it was only a few short months ago you thought you could live the rest of your life happen with a woman. Some days we take huge steps - some days little ones, some days we rest! LOL
I agree with some of the advice and especially based on my own advice, just think of it as a bar. And you are making progress in the right direction. So it is only a matter of time til you get comfortable enough to go. So you almost went this time, lets try to actually go next time! It should always be when you are comfortable going, send me a pm if you want to talk about my experiences with the gay bars as I was just as nervous!
i think many people think gar bars are akin to bathhouses and most just aren't. i took my ex-wife to one last year. she too was nervous (and she's straight) and thought men would be having anal sex whilst swinging from the chandeliers or lesbians would be hitting on her. she was pleasantly disappointed when she realized it was just like any other bar (save for the fact that the bar tenders were only wearing speedoes). so, just like everyone else here has said, don't think of it as a "gay bar" and just think of it as a bar.
I handle things very differently I suppose... I'm an 'all-in' guy. If I'm excited about something enough to be anxious about it then I will definitely follow through no matter what. You are the key to your happiness and that includes the fun you have. You don't need to bring people along. Just walk in sit down at the bar order a drink and start talking to the bar tender about how it is your first time at a gay bar. That will initiate a conversation and you can go from there. Don't be afraid to take chances and risks.
Well you have the courage, you just got to muster it all up! I bet when your close friends from your support group return, these steps will be easier to take. AND there is NO reason to feel regretful or anything cause the bar is not going ANYWHERE. You'll go when you are ready and only when you are ready. I hope your first experience is awesome! I have yet to go. I hope to meet some friends that I can go with in the future. I'm really anxious as well.
I went to a gay bar before I admitted I was even gay to myself LOL because my best friend had a sister who was a lesbian and her and her wife liked to go there. I just went to dance and have fun. I also was able to playfully flirt with my best friend there without feeling like I stood out heeheehee
The thing is it always helps to go with someone that you have a trusting relationship wether you go to any bar. Just remember it's just a bar with mostly gay men in it.
Thanks for the comments and advice. Tonight I dropped off my kid at an event in the northern part of the state, and had there been a gay bar on the drive, I would have gone in. Even looked on google maps... snow tonight, so in no mood to drive, drink, then drive home. In other news.... I emailed my best friend to get together for lunch or coffee next week so I can come out to him. I put enough in my email to him that I can't back out (yes, planned that way). So now he says -- we can talk tomorrow (turns out we're going to all day event, I didn't know he was going). I have to tell him that's not the place to talk (bunch of other friends will be there, too). Of course that'll raise his suspicions for sure. I had a couple hours in the car tonight -- I think I went through in my head 50 ways to tell him I'm gay. I'm not REALLY trying to drive myself crazy, but can do a damn good job of it.
I have the exact same issue. I appreciate the courage to put it out there tonight, Pete. I need the same swift kick in the pants. And I never thought of it as just being a bar. I've got the same damaged mindset - it's a gay bar. NO! - it's just a bar. Thanks for this, writers. I'll take that good swift kick, now! ....
Right?! If this is the case for my local gay club then maybe I should re-consider my nerves and just GO! Its worth it for the speedoes. Epic win!
Never been to a gay bar before. Last september I went to watch this little gay event because a member from another gay forum I'm on was participating in it...there was an after-party at a gay bar. I will admit that I was a bit afraid to go there, but probably would have went... ...but couldn't / didn't have the time because I had to get back home for something. I did atleast walk with the group from the original event to the bar, and then headed for the train station to go home. My mind sees 2 sides of it: * One side says it woulda been cool to go there and see it... * The other side that gives that bit of fear/afraidness says its a good thing I couldn't...
