what to do about my girlfriend now that I am gay

I'm exactly the same position and am wondering the same things you are thinking like as well. In my position, I've been engaged for five ad a half years and have been o the Bahamas, D.C, Florida, and countless other places in and outside of the states. I feel ripped into two beings of my spirit to be free and my heart or feelings to be of her but knowing the latter would make us both miserible ultimately. Any other help out there for people like us?


life boat,
Peter

 

I am not in such a hard position like you two, so the only advice I can offer is to tell you not to limit the capacity you have to love by labeling yourself. If you have to sacrifice the intimacy you share with your women for the physical attraction you have to other men, do not do it in a dishonest way. Really examine your needs, and discuss what is important. Share your fears with your girlfriends, do not assume they will react a certain way. Include them! The sooner the better. Bless you two.

 

Put into words exactly what I was thinking. Especially not limiting yourself with labels. Explore your emotions and feelings not with 'gay' and 'straight,' but with an open mind.

 

Perhaps you could avoid the sex topic right away. To start, just explain to her that you've experienced homosexual feelings before. See how she reacts, let her absorb the information for a little while, and move from there. I cannot tell you how to go about the sex part, but I am sure that it will be easier to suggest if she only has to deal with that part, rather than also deal with you being bi/gay/whatever.

 

I can't really tell you what to do, only suggest ways to consider. Only you know the full situation, your feelings about yourself, men, and her. And are you sure you want your first time being intimate with a man to be watched?

Just somethings to consider to yourself, do not feel like you need to post replies to these.
How badly do you want to have sex with a man? Do you want to be with a man because of the male body, spirit, or both?
Do you want a relationship with a man? Or just a one-night thing?
How much do you want to continue your relationship with her? Are you more afraid of hurting her than being without her?

As for the pornography-seduction plan, I do not think that it would make her open to it if she isn't already. I think you could save a lot of time, effort, and possible conflict by simply suggesting the idea to her.

Remember that it is important you do not rush into things. Consider the following scenarios:
A) Boyfriend tells girlfriend all in one emotional night that he's gay, wants to have sex with men but still loves her, wants her to give permission to have sex with men, and wants to know if she'll watch.
B) Girlfriend finds out boyfriend is gay. Later, he lets her know that he would like to try sex with a man at some time in the future. After she digests this, he lets her know that he would like to try it soon, but wants to make sure she's okay with it, and is open to her watching if it makes it easier for her.

And make sure that she understands you are giving her suggestions, not demands.

 

Honestly, I would avoid pornography altogether. I daresay that it does not promote intimacy-only lust. I do not think that porn is ALL bad, but using visual imagery to change someones mind even after they have expressed a disinterest seems like a weird propaganda tactic the government would use. In other words, I don't think it is fitting for an intimate, loving relationship between u and your girlfriend.

Are you thinking about what she wants?
Are you willing to sacrifice for her if she doesn't sway?

If not, then regardless of what questions you ask on this forum, you may have already made the final decision, in you heart.

 

Hi,

What if you left gay porn for her to find?

When she asks "what's this?" Tell her you enjoy gay porn.

This could possibly initiate a break up from her side.

Not 100% honest but sometimes it is easier for people if they feel they are in control.

Basically you are planting the seeds to initiate her breaking up with you.

Stuck

 

Just remember that you CAN'T do it without hurting her. The situation sucks, but it is what it is. Don't try to find some half-way point to spare her, if she's been through a lot with you she deserves the truth.

 

Slightly different situation but it's comforting to see so many other people have been through something similar. I'm still giving mine time to figure out how she feels about having a man that feels like I'm really a girl under the hood, and it's a roller coaster. Exercise and day to day stuff helps. Still really nervous that she's going to be telling her mom soon.

One thing I do know is that if you try to throw too much at her at once, you're going to cause her unnecessary heartache, AND you'll need to repeat yourself later, AND she'll probably be hurt enough to start reaching out for false hope. Say what you have to say - just one thing - let her react, then leave. If you or she comes up with an idea, be reasonable and realistic, but don't let the discussion drag.

What you don't want to do is let your heartache or butterflies drive you to try to settle things too soon. Women aren't juke boxes; you can't just put in your two cents and expect results. Whatever emotions you're feeling, just treat them like little reminders to think instead of reacting. It's going to suck for both of you.

Probably the best thing is just sleeping on it, or doing other things. Focus on goals that have nothing to do with sex. And be her friend. Things get a million times better and she'll get a million times stronger if you're genuinely happy when you see her. Even celebrities can part amicably; Bruce Willis and Demi Moore did it.

Also, I want to add that while you need to be honest about your identity, that doesn't mean you have to go out and have sex to validate it. Believe me I would love to be cradled in another woman's arms right now until all the pain and fear goes away. But that's not my style. What you're telling her isn't your secret. What you're telling her is that you want to take her world away. She is going to see it as a threat to the relationship plain and simple no matter how you spin it, and she needs to figure out if she wants it now anyway. Until then, just use the space to explore who you are and do the same thing she's doing, sorting everything out in your head.

Basically don't lie or give any false hope, but be compassionate. The goal should be both of you in happy relationships, maybe with each other if it's possible, maybe even single, but happy one way or the other.